You are cr*p at communication

More than likely, maybe you are… and yes, this is a controversial piece.

As your gasps of horror and indignant rebuttals surface, answer these two questions:

1. When was the last time that one of your work colleagues, maybe your boss, or an employee, asked a question of you – that you felt was loaded, had a hidden agenda, or was not all as it seems – that sent your brain into overdrive with why, what’s going on, how am I supposed to answer that, they think I’m not doing my job well, they don’t like me spiral?? (and for bonus points – how many of you find yourself in this spiral days, even weeks, after the question?)
2. When was the last time you asked for what you want, in a direct, unemotional, non-confrontational, non-threatening, non-ultimatum way?

If you find yourself resonating more with the first question than the second, then, my friend, you are a cr*p communicator.

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You’re not alone.? (Not meant to be reassuring, just a fact.)

Why am I writing about it?? Because this week it’s an issue that I’ve seen arise time and again.

Communication is a two-way street.? A highly overused analogy but pretty apt in this case.? What you say, how you say it, and what you mean are often vastly different from what’s heard and how it’s interpreted by the person on the other side of your comms.

When you’re not clear, how on earth is the other person supposed to understand, accurately, what it is that your saying?? When both parties are unclear, the likelihood of misunderstanding, mistrust, self-doubt skyrocket.

I’ll give you an example:

Yvette has a part time role that she loves.? She kind-of job shares with Felicity, who, she feels, isn’t quite as adept at the role as herself, and who, she suspects, feels somewhat superior to Yvette due to her longer tenure in the organisation.?

This week, Yvette’s boss, James, approached her to start a conversation about what Yvette’s hours may look like next year, because Felicity would like more hours and the only way to make that happen would be to reduce Yvette’s hours.

That spiral?? Yvette fell into it, face first, hook line & sinker (yes, I’m mixing metaphors – but go with me here).? Yvette took James’ question as a reflection of her own value, the quality of the work she producing, a comparative and relative worth to Yvette’s own assessment of Felicity.

Now, let’s look at the facts as we know them:

• Felicity had approached James and asked for more hours
• James asked Yvette what she’s thinking about next year and shared with Yvette what Felicity would like.?
• and… that’s it.?

Yep, that’s as sinister as it gets.?

When we look at this example objectively, James’ communication with Yvette was clumsy and Yvette’s communication with James was clumsy.

James’ request was ambiguous and unclear, leaving his intent behind the question open to interpretation by Yvette.

In turn, Yvette was taken aback and has stewed on the issue overnight, digging herself into a situation in which her value has diminished and this conversation has now snowballed into something it was likely never intended to become.

Many of you are probably thinking –“yeah, I’d be the same!”.

What would happen if Yvette were to approach this situation differently??

What would happen if Yvette said to James, “Great question, you know I’d like to have a conversation with you about next year and my role, which I’m really enjoying.? Like Felicity, I’d also like more hours.? It’s probably more than just a passing conversation, so let’s find some time in the diary to properly talk about it – what I’d like and what I can do for the organisation.”

See the reality is, Felicity’s request of James is likely to have absolutely nothing to do with Yvette.

James passing question to Yvette is most likely a clumsily worded oblique attempt to gauge Yvette’s intentions so James can work out what to do.

When we realise that the actions of others generally have nothing to do with ourselves, we can choose to respond in a different way.? We can choose to ‘play a straight bat’ (nice cricket reference there!) to those situations in which communication has been clumsy.? We can choose to shift the communication from ambiguous and uncertain into clear and certain.

We can reframe.

So what happened to Yvette?? Great question and thanks for asking!

Yvette and I had a chat, and Yvette decided to take the emotion out of the issue, reframed the interaction and decided her outcomes and what she’d ask for.? Yvette shared her work hopes and goals with James.? This was a conversation all about Yvette.??

And the result?? Yvette got what she asked for.

Radical, huh?

What’s getting in the way of you asking for what you want?? How can you be a better communicator???