Are You Crazy???

Are you crazy? Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

Voices came from near and far, Voices came from strangers and loved ones, Voices came from outside and sometimes, inside. By now, you must have really started wondering, Is she really crazy? What is she talking about?

I don’t blame you. I have been listening to these 3 words repeatedly and I tend to lean on questioning my sanity too… Am I really crazy?

I will tell you my story, and let you be the judge.

1st phase… - The Youngling

I grew up with a lot of boys in my family, mostly my cousins. I wanted to be like them, do everything like them, be rebels like them. This is the first time I heard... “Are you crazy? 'Boys' will be 'Boys'. You can’t be like them, you can’t play like them, you can’t talk like them, you can’t eat like them. You are a 'Girl'! For heavens sake, you have to behave like one.” I was confused. I had more questions. I wanted more answers. But with this one question “Are you crazy?” my inquisitive mind was shut down. Couldn’t help much then, I was ‘the youngling’, remember? Had to listen to & obey the orders. So I did.

2nd phase – The Free Spirit

When you reach your senior year, you tend to feel that you can make your own choices, because you are an adult now and you really don’t have to listen to or obey the orders anymore. You are on your own. You are the Free Spirit? Free to explore the world, free to make your own choices!

So, I made a choice. I declared; “I want to become a Fashion Designer”. No one in my family or their extended family had dreamt of having such an atrociously fancy career, but I did. Eyebrows were raised and yet again the infamous question was bashed at me “Are you crazy?” But this time it was more like, “How dare you? Typical-middle-class-traditional-girl, picking an upper-class-modern-fancy-career? Oh no no no, You are crazy.”

But my parents knew better. They knew that I wouldn’t shut myself down till I try my hands on it. They agreed to spend on my classes. But, you know what? I didn’t have a role model, no mentor in this field who could guide me, especially no internet and google as my BFFs. I trusted the old & rusty yellow pages and newspaper advertisements. I made a choice, alas! a poor one. After few months of trying, I dropped the idea of becoming a fashion designer. It was time to make more practical choices instead of my crazy ideas. I decided to follow my dad’s footsteps & joined a Bank.

Well, as you can imagine, everyone was happy. In their minds, I wasn’t crazy anymore, because in their judgement, I made a right choice. I can have a normal life and be aptly ready for the next rightful phase of my life… “Marriage”.

By now you should have guessed, “Wait, she is not the one to follow the rules. I am sure she must have had different views.” You guessed it right, I decided to stay unmarried (wink). Yet again the notorious question was shot at me from horror-struck faces, “Are You Crazy? A girl cannot stay unmarried. In this society no such thing can happen. No young-lady not a chance”. I tried to turn some deaf-ears but I could sustain the badgering & prying looks only for some time. Eventually, I changed my mind. I got married. An arranged one, in a traditional way with a middle-class boy and we started our middle-class traditional life.

In the process, my craziness took a dip in the holy water & drowned. I let my life take its own natural turns. Continued my day job in the Bank, became a mother of two beautiful daughters and followed the husband for a while. I had no ambition, no passion, no thinking outside the box, no career aspirations, whatsoever. Most importantly, no one asked me anymore “Are you Crazy?”, except for one…  ‘My Conscience’.

3rd phase - The True Self

The plot gets interesting here. As you have read in my life story so far, at every important turn of my life and at every courageous decision that I made, people kept asking me “Are you crazy? This pushed me to distrust my instincts and I started to live in Self-doubt.

‘Self-doubt’ – it’s is a killer, literally a murderer. It will stab your confidence again and again, till you succumb to darkness of self-loathing. I felt like, I have lost my voice, like I have cloaked my real identity with an impersonation of someone else, like I have failed myself. I found it too difficult to breathe.

Slowly it dawned on me that ‘my craziness’ is the ‘real Me’. I desperately needed to find my voice back, to rekindle my passion, to fan the fire in my belly… to hunt for ‘my craziness’.

I sought for help! From my family, my friends and my mentors. They lifted me off the ground, dusted me and motivated me. They reminded me of who I really am. They made me realize that they will always be there for me, no matter what situation poses. I read and listened to leaders who have found their voices. I joined Toastmasters Club. I helped myself to learn continuously, seek for help when needed to find my voice back and I did. My career took an upward turn and I took some important decisions in personal life too.

I have found my 'True Self'.

In my rollercoaster journey, I have realized something even more valuable. Whatever I do, wherever I go, people will never stop asking me “Are you crazy?”. But I have made my decision. The only one that I should listen to is “Myself”.

So, what do you think? “Am I Crazy?” (wink).

Yours Crazy,

Vidhya Veeraraghavan