Are you constantly looking to please everyone else?

As I recall various stages of my life, certainly up until the last 15-20 years Ive come to realise that I spent quite a large amount of my time trying to be perfect.

Trying to be appreciated and liked by everyone else around me.

Trying to fit in with different groups of people so that I could feel accepted and approved of.

Trying to be all things to all people. I thought that the more people that like me the more opportunities would come my way?.

I can recall many situations in my earlier adult life when I did things I didn’t really want to do to placate or please others. I was dedicated to people pleasing and to be honest, it wasn’t always because I wanted to make everyone happy.

The truth is that I wanted people to like me.

My expectation was that they would give me the things I wasn’t giving myself - love, care, and attention.

I spent no time on myself, ever!.

People pleasing is an unhealthy behaviour and is often a clear sign of low self-esteem. It is inauthentic, extremely time and energy-consuming and can disempower you.

I learned the following things that helped me stop being a people pleaser.

1. I Allowed myself to be me.

I can recall times whilst serving in the Royal Navy that every time someone need a sub or stand in for their duty I would volunteer - hoping it would make me popular and included. Instead of doing what I wanted to do I put others first all the time.

It had the opposite effect and subsequently they didn’t ask for volunteers they took it for granted that I would do it and when eventually I objected, they just shunned me and turned their attention to someone else they could take advantage of.

If you also do things you don’t want to do, hoping it will strengthen your relationships, be extra careful as it doesn’t work long term.

Be true to yourself. Pretending and faking who you are and what you want will only work against you in the long run.

Being genuine is a matter of choice, so I stopped trying to be someone else and started being me. After all, authenticity is magnetic, and you will attract rather than repel!

I want you to know it is okay to be you. Your perfect imperfections make you special and unique.

Be your own kind of beauty. Stay true to your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and emotions. Live your own life, with no apologies and no regrets. You are good enough and if you have trouble believing in that take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself, who do I need to convince?

Remember; “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” - Brene Brown

2. Ive learned to detach from other people’s opinion of me.

According to statistics the fear of public speaking comes top amongst things we are frightened to do.

Even the fear of death comes after public speaking.

Most people don’t have the courage to allow their vulnerability to be on show in front of others because they’re focusing more on what people might think about them than on the message they want to deliver.

Ive been there in the past and if I had to deliver a speech or presentation at work it made me so anxious and nervous.

Continually seeking validation from others turns us into their prisoners.

We can influence what other people feel or think but we are in charge of our own actions, feelings, and thoughts.

When I know and understand that what other people think of me doesn’t define me, Im able to set myself free from any judgment.

What they see in me is entirely their opinion. Some might perceive me as smart, funny, and talented. Others might think I’m an average public speaker or even a poor one. To some, I might look healthy and smart. To others, I might look fat and scruffy.

This is all about how they define their standards, and it has nothing to do with me.

I try to be the best version of myself every day.

Im happy and approve of myself as I am and other people’s opinion or validation of me is just not required or needed.

If this resonates with you please know you cannot please everyone, no matter how much you want to or how hard you might try. Other people’s opinions of you are merely perception, filtered through their own lenses, expectations, or beliefs.

Know you are worthy and completely acceptable not because others think so, but because you decide to believe it yourself.

When I seek your approval, I’m disapproving of myself!

3. I set healthy boundaries with the outer world.

One of the most challenging things I had to learn (and still find challenging) was how to say no to things I didn’t really want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or worried that I might hurt or let someone down.

This was a real challenge at work too, whether it was saying yes to tasks that were not part of my job or volunteering to take on new projects when I already had too much to do. But one day I decided to speak up for myself and to see what would happen. Surprisingly enough everything was simply fine especially when I started telling people what I needed.

I learned that setting healthy boundaries was a good practice and this is where I am today.

Saying no doesn’t mean I don’t like or reject the other person. I can say yes to the person and no to the request. In reality, in this moment I learned to understand that now I can’t disappoint anyone. People disappoint themselves with the unrealistic expectations they set for who they want me to be and for what they expect me to do. It’s always their story. If they truly accept and appreciate me for who I am, just me, they would better understand.

People learn how to treat us when we inform them of what we will and won’t accept.

I stopped letting anyone take advantage of me.

I am not a doormat to be walked over.

It is not my responsibility to entertain other people and make them happy.

Whenever I offer people my time, I give them a piece of my life. A piece I want to be happy Ive shared not disappointed that I will not get it back.

These days I try to spend my very precious time with people who bring the best out in me, who support me and accept me just the way I am. Relationships in which we need to pretend and be someone else are toxic. If I don’t feel at ease or am unhappy with people, I don’t change myself to suit the circumstances, I change the people.

Setting boundaries in relationships might look selfish to the outer world but in my reality, it is the ultimate form of self-respect.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said;

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

4. Assertive communication.

Often I used to find it extremely difficult to say no (and occasionally still do) only because I didn’t know how to express myself with confidence and total clarity for fear of looking or sounding aggressive or impolite. Ive since learned to say no with grace, without offending anyone. However, there are those that will look for offence to validate their own misgivings - don’t be fooled by those that seek to be disingenuous.

Here are some simple answers that can work well for you as well as me:

• That’s not going to work for me right now.
• I’m not able to make it tomorrow/this week/month/year.
• I’ve got so much on my plate right now.
• Thank you for thinking of me, I’m sorry I can’t at this time.
• That’s such a shame I’m too busy, but please let me know how it turns out.
• Maybe another time, let me know what next week looks like for you.
• No thank you, it sounds great but not for me.

Often when you say yes to others you are saying no to yourself!

5. I’ve become my own best friend. 

I oversee my own happiness.

I stopped expecting others to make me happy - that’s my responsibility just as it is to fulfil my needs and desires.

I’ve made myself a priority in my own life.

I try to find and engage in activities that bring me joy and happiness.

I do more things for my heart and soul.

This way, I’m creating happiness from my inner self rather than chasing it through other people and expecting them to deliver.

It is not my Wife’s responsibility to make me feel valued, complete, loved and cherished it’s mine!

Loving ourselves as a whole - our mind, body, and soul is not selfish, it’s essential. Being loved is a basic human need. However, being needy is something entirely different. Ive come to understand that people who are taking good care of themselves are less dependent on the approval of others.

I pay much more attention to the way I talk. I try to eliminate disempowering words or thoughts from my vocabulary - “I’m not smart enough,” “I am too fat,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m not good enough”.

I treat myself with dignity and respect.

I talk to myself kindly.

I don’t call myself names and I acknowledge my achievements, my willingness to learn and to continue to grow. This way, my cup of self-love is always overflowing, and any genuine external praise comes as a bonus.

I practice the art of embracing praise.

I take compliments gracefully instead of putting myself down almost as if I’m unworthy of such a comment.

I enjoy when people compliment me but I’m not dependent on them to feel good about myself.

“It’s not your job to like me; it’s mine.” ~ Byron Katie

Once I decided to embrace and show myself some love and compassion being alone didn’t feel scary or hard and I started to enjoy my own company.

Just think from this perspective:

Out of all the people you know in the world the only person that is always present in your life, every day and every night without fail, is you. So, if you don’t like being all by yourself, at least from time to time, you might need to work on the most important relationship you’ll ever get in life - the one with yourself.

As defined by Descartes, humans are “social animals”.

Being liked, being included and feeling a sense of belonging to a community are basic human needs. However, many people use others as a diversionary tool that helps them run from themselves.

I’ve done it as well in the past—spending time with others to make me feel seen or included just by association or keeping the telly switched on all day long in my home, even if I wasn’t watching it.

I was using that as a distraction to run from my own mental state, whatever that may have been at the Time.

When we have a harmonic relationship with ourselves, we no longer look to other people to fill holes in our self-esteem. We need people but we aren’t emotionally needy. There’s a big difference between the two.

In essence we all have limitations.

The real challenge is learning to accept them for what they are and to learn to become happy at the level you have attained, whatever that might be.

Look in the mirror.

You are unique.

You are you, be yourself and learn to become content with who you are and you will always be good enough!