Are you connecting with your team or deflecting?

I have a confession. Despite being a connection expert and advocate, there is a part of connection that I struggle with - the two way part! 

It comes very naturally to me to focus on other people and learn all about them. But, when the focus is turned back on to me and it’s my turn to share, my natural response is to…deflect.

In my head, I'm just super interested in people. I want to know more about them – people fascinate me, I mean, I built a whole business based on what makes people tick! How could that be a bad thing?

Well, I didn’t think it was until I met my partner, George.  When he and I started getting to know one another, he naturally asked me questions about myself…and I, naturally, deflected and re-directed the focus back on him. Each time George asked me a question about myself, I would respond by asking him another question. After many failed attempts on his part to get any information out of me whatsoever, he asked me straight up why I was trying to stop us from getting to know each other? That was not my intention, and frankly, I was shocked by his observation!

But he was right. While I thought I was being a good communicator,  keeping the focus on him, and showing my interest in his life - I was not offering him the same opportunity with me. This style of communication, where we always focus on the other person and never talk about ourselves, prevents us from connecting and forming equal and open relationships. 

And that is not a connected relationship - that’s a one-sided, transactional relationship. 

As leaders, it can be easy to stumble into adopting this style of communication with our colleagues and teams. We are told to take the time to get to know our people, know what is happening in their day to day and how they are feeling, both personally and professionally. 

But do we provide the same transparency and openness if they ask us a question in return? Or do we deflect, keeping the focus on them? 

Is this really connecting with our team, or just gathering information to meet our responsibilities as a leader? 

What would happen if you allowed yourself to really respond and be open?

Often leaders feel the pressure to carry the weight of many, while upholding an image of unwavering confidence and resilience. While there is merit and importance in giving your team a leader they feel they can rely on, there is also merit in giving them a leader they feel connected with. 

Someone they trust, not only because they deliver professionally, but because they know who they are personally. 

Instead of aspiring to be a leader that people put up high on a pedestal, be an accessible, relatable leader they can speak to and learn from because you share your stories of failure and triumph. 

Now, I’m not saying you have to share all of your deepest, darkest secrets and keep none of your personal life private. Boundaries are also important (thank you, Brene Brown). 

But I am encouraging you (and myself) to break your well-intentioned deflection habits and share something about yourself with your team when you engage with them. If they come to you facing a problem you once experienced yourself, share that you faced the same struggle and how you overcame it. If a colleague asks how you are, share that your lovely little newborn is the embodiment of perfection…. but they kept you up all night!

We can still be confident, reliable and capable leaders, while also sharing pieces of ourselves with our team. 

So, when it comes to connecting with your team or anyone for that matter, there are three basic things to remember. 

IT TAKES TWO!

Just like the tango - it takes two! If we’re never providing input and only accepting another person's output, the relationship begins to feel one-sided. One person is being vulnerable and giving, while the other is listening and keeping their cards close to their chest. This type of relationship is great between a doctor and a patient but can feel protective and closed off in any other relationship.

IT'S MUTUAL - I LEARN A BIT ABOUT YOU AND YOU LEARN A BIT ABOUT ME!

It’s about being seen and seeing others! I learn a little something about you and in return, you learn something about me. Put simply, connection at the most basic level requires two people with a desire to connect to be open, honest and vulnerable. When we do this, we mutually invest ourselves in the relationship - we have given and we have taken - we’ve put something on the line. 

IT'S 'GIVE' AND 'TAKE'!

Ultimately, it’s about going back to the basics of communication and conversation. Both parties need to speak and listen; with connection, we need to be willing to give a bit of ourselves as well as take some understanding of the other person away.

I’d love to hear what you think! Do you have a habit of deflecting in the workplace or personally? Do you think it’s possible to be more open with your team or do you feel obligated to keep your personal and professional selves completely separate? 

Visit www.celestehalliday.com/ to find out how Celeste can help you and your team!