Are you in a co-dependent relationship with your horse?

I think you’ve heard about codependence…perhaps you’ve even experienced being or feeling like you are codependent towards someone in your life. We grow up codependent of our parents. It’s a survival method when we are small to ensure attention, care and safety… but at some point, we have to spread our wings and venture out as independent beings, ready to take on a life of our own and a voice of our own.

?

Sometimes, things go wrong and we start perceiving ourselves as not successful at being independent and then a maladaptive behavior can set in, causing us to start behaving codependently again, giving away our personal power to someone or something else whom we perceive to hold the key to something we want, when we should really be looking to ourselves.

?

It can be a fine balance between realizing that we need help with something and allowing others to help us - or judging ourselves for not being able to handle something alone, giving up and putting the whole responsibility into the hands of someone else.

?

I think it depends on self-esteem and how harshly we judge our short comings as to whether we fall into patterns of codependency.

?

I’m not a psychologist, but as a horse trainer I experience that some clients want to be codependent of me. They prefer to give all responsibility to me to avoid making decisions on their own out of fear that something they did could “hurt or damage” their horse. But that’s not a powerful state to be in and I don’t encourage it. The thing about training horses is that at some point the owner has to start taking over and practice duplicating what I do and making it their own. That’s what being independent is…you have to make decisions and take actions that you have to be willing to back.

?

Yes, it can be scary…but that’s the deal. It’s also the only way to become competent around anything. So often, I realize that clients rely on me to “call out” when they need to do something like giving an aid. If it’s a brand-new thing then I understand, but if you’ve done it multiple times, now you have to start taking responsibility for remembering to do it on your own without me calling it out every time. Can you see yourself in this?

?

I read a study recently that codependence is defined primarily by these 3 things:

1.?????An extreme focus outside of the self (a focus upon others and what they think)

2.?????A lack of openly expressing one’s feelings (not wanting to upset others)

3.?????An attempt to derive purpose and meaning through relationships with others, rather than through one’s own self (only feeling loved if you are loved by others)

?

Fear is a very strong emotion that we as riders are well aware of when handling horses and it can cause a flight, fight or freeze response. But trauma therapists are now adding a new response which is called “fawn”, which means to “people please” – it’s a form of Love Addiction. The codependent person believes that if they are loved then they are lovable, instead of deriving true value from their own self and their identity.

?

This might show up as:

·???????wanting to avoid conflict and having a hard time saying no

·???????being unable to make decisions

·???????jumping into relationships too quickly (for example trusting a new horse too much too soon and getting bucked off)

·???????being a caretaker in order to gain emotional validation (like rescuing horses)

?

We’ve all fallen into codependent behavior at one point or another in our lives, but if it’s a consistent pattern, it can look like this: The codependent person believes that “my value lies in being a caretaker and keeping things together or being super considerate to the needs of others” no matter the cost. This person’s value comes from how they get others to recognize them or accept them, they adapt to fit in. Their focus is outside of themselves, instead of being able to comfort themselves and ask for what they truly want.

?

Horses are great at holding mirrors up to our faces and absolutely shattering all of these maladaptive behaviors in us, but it can be brutal to have a horse as your emotional/spiritual teacher – it can also be wonderful and wonderous especially when you finally gain an insight about yourself. This process has happened to me many times.

?

How many people go to the barn after a hellish week at a stressful job and expect the horse to be perfect and provide them with the perfect harmonious ride so they can finally put a smile on their faces, whilst the world melts away and they yell “Hi Ho Silver and ride off into the Sunset?”

?

– Come on, we all do it

?

But what happens if we show up at the barn and the horse is in a shitty mood…the first thing he does is turn his butt to you, then he doesn’t want to be bridled or stand still for mounting. On top of that he’s lazy, doesn’t want to go and maybe considers throwing a little buck…Now our emotions hit rock bottom and you no longer feel like your riding dreams will ever come true. We start asking ourselves questions like:

?

1.?????What have I done to deserve this?

2.?????Is he in pain? Am I causing him pain?

3.?????Am I really that bad of a rider?

4.?????Why don’t I know how to fix this already?

5.?????I should be better by now!

6.?????My horse doesn’t love me!

7.?????Everyone else has a perfect ride, except me!

?

I know many riders that do this and believe me I’ve been there. How a horse behaves will either be the highlight or the downfall of a whole day and our emotions are so closely connected to this, because none of us want to be perceived as unsuccessful or unloved least of all by our horses!

?

Riders will also try to negotiate deals with their horse like: “Please jump this next jump so I don’t look bad.” or “You’ll get lots of cookies if you get in the trailer NOW!” or “If you just give me one good ride this week, I swear you’ll get the whole weekend off.” LOLJ

?

So, how do you solve co-dependency?

?

Well, the core of codependency is a lack of identity or you might say that it’s a distrust in your Self. When you allow the things others do or say to determine how you feel or act, that’s when you are co-dependent.

?

Remember some of these core truths to help stop codependence:

1.?????If a project you are working on (like a riding exercise) fails, it doesn’t mean you are a failure. (Usually this happens because you don’t celebrate the small wins or because you didn’t practice enough – keep going!)

2.?????If a horse or human rejects you, it doesn’t mean that you are unlovable (if they are having a bad day, it doesn’t have anything to do with you)

3.?????If something goes wrong, it doesn’t mean that you should start the self-shame game (you can’t be in control of everything and therefore everything isn’t your fault)

?

Stop looking to your horse for your self-esteem or to anyone else for that matter. What they think, say or do should have no effect on “who you are”. Your identity is not derived from them. Learn to ask for what you actually want out of life and be resourceful on how to get it – this is where asking for help is totally ok – but remember at one point you have to make it your own and take responsibility for your new knowledge and abilities.

?

Healthy relationships are interdependent. This means that you don’t rely on each other for everything. You are two independent beings that come together in the middle and each of you should grow bigger and brighter because of it.

?

It’s like two circles with a bit of overlap. If one of you grows smaller or feels less than, then you might have a codependent relationship. Set healthy boundaries not to control the behavior of others, but to set rules and limits on your own behavior and around what you are willing to put up with. If you play by other people’s rules (even your horse’s rules) then your wellbeing and ultimately your happiness remains dependent on what they do or don’t do that day, and that is never good.

Stand up for yourself, stand up for your life, ask your heart, “What do I really want?”, and then don’t take things so personally. Take life with a grain of salt, stay curious and have fun!

Aliveness comes from authenticity – be true to yourself, know yourself, value yourself and express yourself! - Don’t let the behavior of your horse dictate how you feel. Change yourself by stepping out of that circle, think differently and then your horse will behave differently too. I guarantee it.

?

Ride in Lightness, Celie xo

To read more of my blogs, visit my website at: www.artfulriding.com

?