Are you a chameleon? Your need to prove yourself could be driving you to burnout
Marie was a successful marketing executive. She’d worked her butt off for years trying to climb the ladder, and fortunately it paid off. When she got promoted to Marketing Director she thought she’d finally made it, but somehow it didn’t feel like that.
Rather than excitement and pride, she felt fear and anxiety. Now she had more to prove than ever before. Should she really have been given this role? She wasn’t as educated as some of her peers, was that going to come back and bite her in the arse??
With so many doubts and questions about her own ability, it wasn’t long before Marie started to feel like she was in over her head. Even though she was nailing her job and getting results, behind the scenes she was constantly terrified that with one false move it could all come crashing down.
So what did she do? She put in more hours and took on more responsibilities. She figured that by doing more she’d compensate for her perceived downfalls and prevent anyone from thinking that she didn’t deserve to be in that position.
Eventually however, this mode of operating led Marie to burnout. While she was indeed achieving in her role, behind the scenes all other areas of her life were falling apart:
Essentially, while it looked like Marie was killing it, in reality she was exhausted, unhappy and extremely lonely. She felt like a robot, just going through the motions and stuck in a cycle of same sh*t different day. She often fantasised about throwing it all in and becoming a yoga teacher, but would get even more disillusioned when she remembered she has zero flexibility and doesn’t really like yoga. She was trapped, but was too scared to step off the hamster wheel because that’s all she knew and all she was known for.
Marie was driven by her need to prove herself and her fear of people thinking badly about her. This was at the heart of her burnout, because it was putting her in a constant state of fight or flight mode as a result of the incessant thoughts which made her brain think she was in danger.?
She was continually trying to second-guess who she should be at any given moment, depending on who she was with and the situation she was in, because she feared that who she really was wasn’t good enough. Like a chameleon she would constantly shape shift and change herself in order to fit in, avoid rejection and survive.
Note: If you read my previous article, “She had 99 problems but her career wasn’t one,” you might be thinking how Marie’s story is very similar to Lou’s - and you’d be right. The truth is, we all have similar stories, because we’re all living a fast-paced high-pressure life, but often we don’t talk about it so we think we’re the only one going through it. I’m here to tell you however that we’re all having a similar experience, so hopefully by sharing these stories you can see that it’s possible to change your story too.
Unfortunately there was a huge flaw in Marie’s plan, as it relied solely on controlling the uncontrollable - which of course is not possible. We cannot, nor will we ever be able to, control people’s thoughts (unless we become Jedis), yet so much of our time, energy and head space is consumed by it.
Why we feel the need to prove ourselves
As mentioned above, this is because we want to avoid rejection - which is part of our primal instinct to survive. You see, our primal (or reptilian) brain still operates in the same way it always has since early man - and one of its key requirements for survival is a tribe. Think about it - in order to keep our species going we need to eat, protect ourselves from danger and reproduce; and in order to do those things we need other people (particularly with the last one!)
So if a tribe is so integral to our survival, it makes sense then that we will go to great lengths to avoid rejection and keep this essential safety blanket around us. Unfortunately however, a lot of the strategies we tend to employ to achieve this involve us changing who we really are - which then exacerbates the self-doubt and imposter syndrome, which further triggers fight or flight mode and pushes us further towards burnout.
领英推荐
I believe this is a result of the world we’re now living in. We’re constantly bombarded with imagery and messaging telling us who we “should” be, so we start to believe that if we’re anything less than that then we’re not good enough, which of course puts us at greater risk of rejection. We constantly compare ourselves to others - whether that’s our peers, colleagues, family members, role models or celebrities - and generally focus on how they’re better or have more than us, which further reinforces our belief that we’re not good enough.
Holy moly, it’s exhausting isn’t it! Add onto that the demands and costs of modern living, plus the competitive nature of pretty much every environment you find yourself in, and you’ve got even more pressure to succeed which means more pressure to fit in and be accepted!
Annnnnnnnnnnnd breathe!
Are you ready for some good news now? Since we know where these issues are coming from, we also know how to make them go away - or at least have less of an impact on how you feel and behave.
How to stop proving yourself and dodge burnout
At the heart of the solution is getting comfortable with who you are and unapologetically being that person, regardless of opposing influences. This allows you to ride the waves of self-doubt rather than get wiped out by them. It allows your body to live more in rest and digest mode, because the imposter and critical thoughts won’t be constantly triggering fight or flight mode, which means you will be able to operate more efficiently and with more confidence and drive…which ultimately means you’ll probably achieve more and have more fun in the process. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?!
Step one in this process is simply to become aware. When you notice yourself feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed get curious and ask questions:
Let me give you an example of how the responses to these questions might go:
Whether you run with the old story or new story, the physical situation will still be the same, however the way you feel about it and therefore handle it will be different. And if you continue to change the story and therefore the response, over time the neural pathways in your brain will change so you start to believe more intrinsically that you are indeed good enough and the calmer more logical way of thinking and feeling will become your go-to response.
Slowly and consistently reframing situations to reinforce that you are indeed good enough is the only way to create long-term change - and ensure you remain impartial so you can take the emotional charge out of the situation and deal with it appropriately. This gives your brain time to form the new neural pathways, and therefore create the necessary mindset and behavioural changes to allow you to flourish.
As always, if you need help with this please shoot me a message or email to [email protected] and we can arrange a complimentary coaching session to figure out a game plan. Of course with some specialist guidance and accountability these changes can be made more quickly - which is music to the ears of a busy professional!