Are You the Center of Your Universe?

By Jane Peterson, PhD

Today, I want to reach out to all helpers, people pleasers, conflict-avoiding placators, anyone who consistently gives more than is healthy (you know who you are!) If you find yourself placing others' needs as more important than your own, then this article is for you. Here are some tips to help you claim the space as the center of your own life.

How did you learn to give more than you can? To put it in familiar tech terms, the operating code in your family was probably buggy. Instead of the flow of life moving from parents to children, you learned to sacrifice yourself to soothe or placate a parent or sibling(s). Your parent may have been traumatized from a harsh upbringing, or you lost a parent, or had a parent with narcissistic or borderline characteristics. Or perhaps you had a sibling that garnered all the attention due to illness or disability or jut being the favorite child. Or your parents used the familiar "what will other people think..." to shame you into compliance. Guilt and shame were used like cruel sheep dogs nipping at your self-worth to keep you following the family rules.

Any of these situations can lead a young child to believe they are not the center of their own life, and don't deserve to be. The message is that others' needs must be met in order for you to survive. After all, when we're little, the most important thing we have to do is stay in our family so as not to be tossed out into the cold. We'll follow the rules, even if that means being the despised black sheep who carries the family karma for everyone else.

Once you solved this problem of "how do I get a place in my family" as a little one, you'll continue, unconsciously, to use that operating code with others. Learning to care for others has advantages, unless you often do this at your own cost. It can get to the point where your life no longer feels like your own. Besides the inevitable overwhelm of being over-extended and burned out, you may find yourself accompanied by smoldering resentment, endless analysis of why you didn't say "no", painful grudges, as well as digestive, heart, and other ailments as your body reacts to this lack of protection and attention.

How do you rewrite this operating system if some (young) part of you is convinced that you aren't that important, and you don't matter?

First, understand that the flow of life was disrupted in your family. Your parents could only give from what they received or had acquired themselves. This is not a reflection on you. In order to shift this belief and place yourself at the center of your own life, you have to give up the childhood narcissism of believing that everything that happens is because of you and that you can "fix" your parents. Parents are people, too, with their own struggles. It's not up to you to solve their problems. After all, they were the adults (even if they didn't act like it.)

Next, adopt an "as if" frame. Treat yourself as if you were one of those important people you take care of, and you'll provide yourself with new experiences that can change your perspective of yourself. Interestingly, Kristin Neff, a researcher into self-esteem discovered that self-compassion is the foundation of self-esteem. To value yourself, start by being kind towards yourself.

Finally, these three questions can help you. When that demand comes from the person outside, ask yourself:

1. Would doing this for them truly be kind to me?

2. Can I do this right now? That is, what is my capacity? Maybe I'm spent right now and the honest answer is "no" regardless of the "family rules" and shame and guilt dividend.

3. Do I want to do this? To answer that question, you'll have to be truthful with yourself as to what is really important to you. Is taking care of your sister's child really important to you? As important as attending your own child's first piano recital or soccer game? If you're honest, you can kindly say to that other person using this valuable two letter word that can put you back in the center of your universe. That word is "No". You don't have to be mean (like those grudges will make you if you don't attend to your own needs.) The more you do this, the more you will discover that other people will start to respect your needs, too (after they get over their initial surprise and realize you mean it!) What's more, you'll discover that they survived and you survived using that magic word, No.