You Can’t Put A Policy On Emotions
Kelly Swingler
Global Burnout educator and keynote speaker | Author of F*ck Burnout and Mind the Gap | Founder of the Burnout Academy
A few weeks ago we saw a news article about a woman who was sacked because of time off work following the death of her dog and lots of questions about policy came up from HR professionals.
Bereavement policies are often a regular conversation starter in HR policy groups. Who should be included and how long should people offer?
I strongly believe that we do need to treat people as people and find out how long they need off at time of sadness and loss – some will want to be at work to keep themselves occupied and busy and others will want and need time off.
“Time off for close relatives” is often a clause in bereavement policies, but how can you define this?
Some people don’t have ‘close relatives’, some are brought up by distant relatives and neighbours. Some people have friends instead of family, and we can’t capture everyone’s personal circumstances in a policy. Some people regard their pets as children, whether they have children of their own or not.
And we can’t always know this.
I’ve been watching The Secret Teacherand Born Famousover the last few weeks, and if you’ve seen it too, you’ll have seen that Paul Ince was practically brought up by his best friend’s mum. In Secret Teacher, sisters, support workers and foster parents are the backbone to the lives of some of the students.
Likewise, I’ve had colleagues and managers who have lost loved ones; parents, wives, husbands, children and friends, and for each of them, the time they have been away from work has varied. Years later some have still not been ‘back to normal’ and I don’t know that you can ever really get over a significant loss, but you do learn to adapt.
Grief is hard. The grieving process takes longer for some people than others, and it’s likely you’ll always miss the person who has gone. Years may go by without a tear and then suddenly a moment triggers your emotions and you find yourself in a moment of happiness or sadness.
I’d lost all of my grandparents by my mid-teens and my maternal grandparents by the time I was seven. My god-parents filled ‘the gap’ of my grandparents as I grew up, but I’ve never once seen a bereavement policy that mentions godparents.
Yesterday, we had to say goodbye to our beloved Bulldog Bowser, and I have to say I was fit for nothing all day. I cried for most of the day, and as a family we all took Bowser to the vet and stayed with him as he slept for the final time. The emotion in the room was overwhelming and it continued when we got home and we’re all dealing with it in our own way.
To see the hurt and sadness it caused my sons was heart-breaking. One of my sons has gone to work this morning, the other needed a day off. I felt numb when I woke up first thing, the exhaustion from a day of tears, and I burst into tears again as soon as I came downstairs and I saw the gaps on the kitchen floor where his bed, food and water used to be.
Would I have been in a fit state to go to work this morning? Quite frankly no, and I’m grateful that as I have my own consultancy and we work a four-day week that I don’t have to be ‘at work’ until Tuesday. But I’m doing a few things today to keep my mind on other things.
Whether it’s a person or a pet, we all have different connections to different people and beings, and we can’t be prescriptive on who and how long we should include in a policy. To some, my godparents won’t have been in a policy, but the loss of them both, less than a month apart was hard and I needed time. To some, Bowser was just a dog, to us, he was part of the family and I know I couldn’t have been at work today.
And so my plea continues, ditch the long policies with the ‘standard’ lists and timeframes, and show some compassion and understanding for your people. How long do they need to grieve, to be with loved ones, to rest, to cry, to come to terms with?
Treat your people as people and their emotions as emotions. We aren’t robots, we won’t all feel the same way, and we won’t all need the same time.
Kelly
Kelly is Founder of The Chrysalis Crew and Global Empowerment Coach for HR Professionals. She leads the crew with an open heart, an open mind and has the courage to challenge the status quo and do things differently so that we can change the world of work.
Senior Psychologist, currently studying Clinical Hypnotherapy and Strategic Psychotherapy, NLP Practitioner
5 年We had to put our 21 year old feral cat Max to sleep 12 months ago and I cried solidly for 2 weeks afterwords. He had a cushion on my desk where he slept which I have been unable to remove since, a photo of him sits perched atop it and his ashes live inside a Glass Coffee jar on the other side of my desktop computer.? It wasn't aware it was possible to cremate my previous fur-babies or I would have done it then too, I was renting at the time so had nowhere to bury them. I have always had pets dogs, cats and rabbits and I love them as my children. They are very much a cherished part of our family and spoiled rotten.? Each has their own distinct personality and we can recount funny anecdotes about our experiences living with them, our quality of life would be diminished without them. I remember them as well as family members and friends who are no longer living in a mantra during my daily meditations which that brings me comfort, acknowledges my love for them and perpetuates their memories. I only wish their lifespans complimented ours so we didn't need to lose so many of them along the way.? Bereavement leave should cover losing pets as well, losing them significantly affects workers performance as much as losing a child or close companion.
Product Marketing Manager @ Berkshire Corporation | Marketing Communications | Writer | Connector
5 年Kelly Swingler, I am so glad that your article popped into my feed today. First, I am so sorry about the loss of your canine child, Bowser. As a fellow dog mom, I too have felt the loss of canine children, and it broke my heart a million times over. Our current canine child is nine and still like a puppy. My husband and I don't like to think about the inevitable - we know we'll be wrecks. The point of your article and the topic is an important one. We all grieve differently, and what one person defines as a family is different for another. I'm fortunate to work for an employer whose policy is accommodating. When my aunt passed away last year, they told me to take what time I needed - no questions asked. I was stunned because a previous employer would not have allowed me to use bereavement time. I'm glad to see a conversation about this topic. Thanks so much for sharing your insights.? Mary Schaefer, SHRM-CP, PHR, I think you'll appreciate this article and am curious about your thoughts on this topic.?
Ex-Civilian?? | Mission - ???? ????? | Rotary Zonal Chair - Peace Building & Conflict Prevention | Instructor, Close Protection and Counter Terrorism ???? | Tango Six O'Clock LLP
5 年Millions are spent on team parties and fun activities as stress busters in almost all companies. A little do they actually realize that by giving a blanket to a shivering person without knowing why they are shivering, they are merely covering up emotional instability, that soon turns into depression and mental illness. Grief, is one of the deadliest emotional pattern that can turn violent if pushed away. I have seen some very calm minds go violent and the tipping point was found to be during their grief. In the race to peak performance and achievement trophies, we are band-aid'ing too many deep wounds in the corporate/professional life. High time companies woke up and addressed the challenge.
Enterprise Governance Architect
5 年The best way to get over losing a dog is to get a new puppy. Its not that you are replacing a dog but there is something so comforting about having a warm snuggly puppy sleeping in your lap. I know it doesn't work for everyone but that's my recipe for dealing with the fact that we will almost always outlive our beloved pets.