You can't change others, but you can change you

Just over a year ago, I had to slowly let go of one of my friends as she became mentally draining and toxic for me.

It's not that she done something bad to me, it was the constant moaning that I couldn't except and just found negative, as she wasn't willing to change herself.

She wouldn't except her flaws and blamed others for her mistakes, rather than confronting them to correct, and felt like the world owed her.

I did my best to give this woman my advice, but after a while I knew it was a waste of my time.

I would leave after meeting with her and feeling drained and my head was just simply too fucked to focus on important matters.

It got to a point where every time we would link for a coffee, it was the same repetitive bullshit.

Her- 'I am not happy in my marriage'.

Me- 'OK what are you doing about it?'

Her- 'its my parents faults and everyone else's in my family fault I am unhappy and got married'

Me-'No one placed a gun to your head and said you had to marry him'

She was a deja-vu and a reminder to the old me as I was the person who was always there for everyone, making sure everyone was alright.

I like the qualities I have and if you knew me well, I am the kind of person who would give you my last bit of food.

I don't ask much from others, if I do a good deed it is genuinely coming from my heart.

I have also been in a situation where I needed someone there for me, I had fuck all but myself, to be honest I wouldn't of had it any other way.

I didn't get angry and bitch on people for not being there for me or blaming them for my faults.

I simply didn't resist and when I did this I became more mentally stronger and as a result knew to place trust in myself to be emotionally more stronger in order to make the right decisions that would contribute to my self growth.

But I also realised there were people who thrived on this and at any given opportunity if allowed, would simply drain the living fucking daylight out of me.

On the other hand I was also attracting people that I can grow with, learn from and vice-versa.

Because I placed boundaries, it was very easy for myself to distinguish the two by getting rid of the negative people and opening the door for the positive ones.

But, in the process I discovered something and it went like this;

I had a duty to myself and that was to protect my mental health, so it was inevitable she had to go from my life, as it was clear she was not willing to correct her mistakes.

It didn't matter how many times I had given her advice, it simply was a waste of my time and energy.

I won't lie, before I thought I could change people, I only discovered that you can give as much advice until you are blue in the face and that it is up to the individual to change themselves.

Some people thrive on working on themselves by making it their mission to better themselves, I choose to be one of these people

In life we have a choice, to suffer emotionally, be stressed, be unhappy, the list is endless, but you get my drift.

Often people are so blinded of the options that are staring them right in their face. Instead, without even realising it, allow life's pressures to dictate their attitude and choices to how they react, rather than what actually benefits them.

As harsh as it seems, you need to realise you cannot change no one unless they want to change themselves.

This is also true if you waste your time listening to their repetitive bullshit and no commitment to change their situation that you are not helping them, but more so encouraging them to moan more.

Don't get me wrong, we will always have people that are loyal friends and need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to be heard, there is nothing wrong with that.

But the point is to be mindful of your actions that truly count.

Ask yourself these questions:

Who are you allowing to drain you in your life?

Do you have people who are there for their needs and don't consider yours?

Do you place boundaries when needed?

If asked for your opinion does the other person take your advice on board?

The people you have in your circle, do they uplift you or drain you?

Bottom line is, you can't change other people unless they want to change. However, you can change you and who you allow into your circle and this is your duty you should always remember that is a priority to yourself.

If you are not good for yourself, you are simply no good to others fact.

#youcanchangeyou #boundaries #mindsetcoach #mindsetiseverything

Interested in working with Helena, email her: [email protected]