You Can't Always Fix Things.

‘Do you want me to help you feel better, or do you just want to feel what you’re feeling?’?

This is a question I pose to my kids when they’re in an emotional tailspin. As a parent to two young kids, it probably comes as no surprise to my fellow parents and caregivers out there that this is a regular occurrence. Sometimes my kids’ feelings are just SO big that they explode out of their little bodies. And, because they’re kids and they don’t have years of experience seeing how different challenges and conflicts can ultimately work out, small injustices and frustrations can feel like they’re going to consume my kids until they collapse into a puddle and spill into a chasm in the ground.?

I have spent many hours of parenting working overtime to counsel my kids through these moments. I try desperately to help them feel better, find a solution that makes them feel empowered, and get them to the other side of an emotional moment. I know our older daughter is an empath who feels her feelings (and those of pretty much everyone else) deeply. I also know that she holds onto things long after the issue has passed, much as I do. I can almost see her fixating on something in her brain, putting it on replay to no real added benefit, beating herself up on the inside. It is both humbling and heartbreaking to see yourself so clearly reflected in your kids, understand exactly what they’re feeling, and want nothing more than to make them feel better.?

Candidly, not all of these stormy moments are ones that are heart wrenching or with sweet undertones. Sometimes the maelstrom they’re caught up in is a back and forth with one another where they’re litigating the other’s behavior, lamenting the perceived unfairness of a consequence they’ve been given as a result of poor decision-making, or dwelling on about 97 other things that feel arbitrary to young kids. Let’s be real: Kids are gonna kid.

In case it isn't obvious, no matter what personality test is your cup of tea you'll find that I’m a problem solver. My default mode is to jump right into asking questions, coaching, and mentoring. But that mode isn’t always what I need or want, and it’s critical for me to realize that it won’t always be what my people need either.?

It recently occurred to me that I might be approaching some of these moments with my kids, and others, incorrectly. When I’m caught up in a swirl of emotions, sometimes I really want the person I’m talking to to help me get out of my own head and find my way through the fog I’m in. I need a lighthouse to guide me through it, to ask me some hard questions, and to get me to look at the problem more objectively. If you’re familiar with Annie Duke and Thinking In Bets, these are the moments when I need my truth seeking group.?

But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I just want to vent and have my feelings validated. Sometimes I want to let it all out, everything that has been building up behind the dam that I’ve built to contain my emotions and frustrations. I’m really good at compartmentalizing and pushing things down that don’t feel like they’re mission critical at the moment. By the time it all comes pouring out, have I overblown some of it in my own head? Absolutely. Are there stories that I’m making up (hat tip, Brené Brown and Dare to Lead) about what is happening around me? Also yes. Do I sometimes need to let that out and have someone look at me and say, ‘Holy cannoli. That sucks. That sounds really hard,’ without trying to solve the issue or offer advice? Heck yes, sometimes I need that too.?

So back to those tiny humans. Maybe that’s what they need from me. In my constant attempts to help them through a challenge, it’s absolutely possible that sometimes I’m helping but other times I’m only creating more emotional stress for them and for me by trying to meet them in the wrong place. Because, at the end of the day, we all need someone we trust to meet us exactly where we are.?

However, as much as my intentions might be good, I’m not a mind reader! None of us are. So sometimes we need to ask the question: ‘Do you want me to help you feel better, or do you just want to feel what you’re feeling?’?

The result? Honestly, sometimes we still spend a lot of time going back and forth. Sometimes they aren’t exactly sure what they want from me. They’re kids. They’re still learning (tbh, so am I) and they’re processing in real time. But having a way to get on the same page about what I can do that will help them most and support them the most gives us a shared language that we can work from. And, it helps reinforce with them that, even if I don’t have all the answers and can’t help them with everything, I’ll always be there to meet them where they are.?

This framing and foundation setting is incredibly valuable with not just my kids, but with friends, partners, and colleagues. It helps get everyone aligned on the conversation that we’re going to have based on what the current need is. It focuses us on what we’re trying to do and what we want the outcome to be. It tells me if I need to be in problem-solving mode or if I just need to be an emotional release valve for the person on the other side. It’s now one of my favorite questions to ask and to tweak as needed based on the person (or people) I’m in discussion with.?

Some adjustments that I think work include:?

• ‘Do you want my advice or do you just want to vent?’
• ‘Do you want to discuss strategies or do you just want to get this off your chest?’?
• ‘How can I show up for you at this moment? Do you want me to ask questions or do you just want me to listen?’

We can all benefit from finding ways to be honest and open with what we need from our people. So, if you’ve been looking for a new way to navigate these moments and issues, give this a shot and let me know how it works! I’d love to hear more from others about how this lands with their own people. And, if you have other questions or tactics you employ, please share them too.

#problemsolving #truthseekinggroup #thinkinginbets #daringleadership #askthequestion #trust