You Cannot Just “Phone It In “……What You Need in Your Relationships
Women need men to show kindness, patience, understanding, empathy, and compassion.
Regardless of the type of relationship, men and women should be considerate of each other's feelings. Recognize that a partner’s trials and tribulations matter to her and that partners’ roles are to cherish and care for and about one another.
There are times when we're in conversation with a friend, that it's not until we're getting what we don't want, that we become aware of our unmet need.
For example, have you ever been telling a story to a friend and then she starts start problem solving for you (or one-upping, or starting to talk about herself, or giving advice)?
And you find yourself feeling misunderstood or unheard or defensive or frustrated?
Typically we'd just walk away and blame them in some way, "She never listens. I felt judged," and a chasm begins.
But what if, in that moment that she begins problem solving, we actually were able to feel ourselves not appreciating her approach, and asking ourselves, "How is it that I actually wish she were responding?"
And then asking her for that, instead?
So it doesn't have to be some big awkward, "We need to talk -- my needs aren't being met," conversation, but instead just be one moment where you're helping her help you, telling her what you need to feel connected. Because chances are awfully high that that is what her intention is, what's she's trying to do.
Asking for what we need while in conversation, in the midst of not getting what we want, increases our chances of
1) Walking away receiving what we needed,
2) Modelling to her that its okay she asks for what she needs in the future, and
3) Possibly teaching her in the long run how you typically prefer her to support you.
Sample Scripts for Asking for What You Need
When you need empathy instead of problem solving:
"I so appreciate you trying to solve my problem, and I may get to that point when I need that.
But right now it's not so much that I don't know what to do as much as I just need someone to empathize with me and tell me they understand why I am frustrated with my boss!"
When you need acceptance instead of a sermon:
"I can only imagine how horrible my feelings/actions must sound to others. I'm not proud of myself for doing them, but what I really need now, if at all possible, is just someone who can listen to me and accept me even though I'm far from perfect. You don't have to like what I did, but can you help me still see the good in me?"
When you need applause instead of one-upping:
"Thank you for sharing that story. I definitely want to hear all about x in just a moment.
When you need listening instead of advice:
"Thank you so much for offering that advice. But right now, I'm guessing I'll know what to do when I need to know.
When you need actions instead of words: "That means so much to me that you said that. You've always been so supportive and encouraging -- thank you!
As I face this challenge in my life, what makes me most nervous is feeling like I'm facing it all alone. I certainly don't want to ask too much of you, but I was wondering if you'd feel comfortable, during this season of my life, in helping me in some tangible ways?
It's so hard for me to ask for what I need. If so, maybe we can brainstorm one to two ways that you'd be able to help me feel more nurtured during this time?"
When you need vulnerability instead of guardedness:
"Thanks for listening to me share that. It's sometimes really hard to be that open. In fact, now I feel kind of vulnerable! Any chance you have a story you can tell of a time you've felt something similar so I can feel reminded that I'm not alone in this feeling!"
When you need validation instead of cheering up:
"You are always so very good at looking on the bright side! Thank you! I so often need that. But right now, I think I just need permission to feel hurt and/or to grieve this one. It’s okay for me to be sad for now?"
When you need to talk instead of listen:
Do you still have some time for me to share some of what's happening in my life?"
Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.
Thank you …Hopefully you get the idea?
My formula for speaking my needs tends to include the following:
1. Be appreciative. Chances are high that her intentions are good. Most of us want to help, we just don't always know how.
2. Own the feeling. It's not her fault for not responding how we want. There isn't always a right and wrong. How she responded might be perfect with another friend or at another time. Only we can know what we want,
3. State what would feel good. And then simply tell her what would feel the best to you right now, trying to leave it open as a question .
Want to add word or two?
The difference between asking and demanding
Often the problem that occurs is that people don’t really understand the difference between asking and demanding.
What you are trying to do is establish better ways of communicating so that you and your partner both get what you want and need.
Demanding is insisting that someone else gives you what you want, regardless of his or her feelings.
You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you don’t mind if the answer is no; when you are demanding, you get upset if you’re request is denied.
When you ask for what you want, you need to have a back-up plan in case the other person can’t give it to you.
Your comment ….?
The importance of knowing what you want
If you don’t know what you want, you’ll have trouble getting it and may experience a lifelong feeling of missing out which can lead to bitterness and resentment. If you can’t express your needs and wants you may also have difficulty asking your partner what their wants and needs are.
In your relationship, asking for what you want in a loving way helps both you and your partner to understand each other.
If you don’t know what you want you won’t know if you are getting it?
If you don’t know what your partner wants, you won’t know how to give them the best of your love and support. This can leave one or both of you feeling unsatisfied, resentful or frustrated.
When couples are asked to state their wants they often discover to their amazement that what they want are quite similar things e.g. to be appreciated, to be accepted, to be listened to etc.
Suggestions for getting what you want:
If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:
1. Get some clarity about what you actually want: You can’t tell somebody else what you want if you don’t really know yourself.
2. Before you go to your partner what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner try to get one clear sentence which sums up what you are requesting. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.
3. Simply state what you want: Don’t dress it all up with a lot of disclaimers just ask, politely, for what you want.
4. Be prepared for them to say no. It’s important to remember that if you cannot accept a no you are demanding not asking.
5. Listen to the answer. Whether they say yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what they actually say rather than thinking you know what they are going to say before they even open their mouth! You need to be clear what the answer actually is rather than what you think it is.