You can use listening to transform your relationship

Do you ever feel like your partner isn’t really listening to what you’re saying? Do you feel unseen and unheard?

It’s not a good feeling is it? You probably feel frustrated, ignored, and maybe a little hopeless.

What you really want is for your partner to take notice of what you have to say, to understand what you mean and to care about your needs and desires.

But you’ve probably already discovered that you can’t change your partner. You can’t make them listen to you.

Shouting doesn’t work either, does it? We might get what we want by shouting, but it’s definitely a short-term option, because people don’t like being shouted at and it drives them away.

So given that you can’t force your partner to listen to you and you’ve realised that what you’re doing isn’t working, what other options are there?

Be the change you want to see

One of the wonderful things about being human is that when we change, the people around us change too. This is simply because we’re not isolated units, but we’re all part of a system. In fact we belong to multiple systems.

You and your partner are a system. You, your partner and your children are a system. Your family and your parents; your family and your in-laws; you and your neighbours; you and your friends. You exist in so many systems!

The important system here is you and your partner. The two of you are engaged in a dance. Your behaviour is part of that dance and so is your partner’s.

If your partner isn’t listening to you, then it suggests that the dance in which the two of you are engaged is one in which not-listening is one of the dance moves. You might ask yourself why that is.

If you want your partner to start listening to you, you will have to change the dance. And one way to do that is to change how you listen.

A different kind of listening

What do you do when your partner is talking to you? Do you listen attentively with your whole being focused on this person. Or is your mind going off in other directions?

For instance you might be:

• thinking about what you’re going to say when your partner has finished their piece
• thinking about what advice to give your partner
• thinking about what’s wrong with what they’re saying
• thinking how typical this is
• wondering when your partner will finish and let you get on with more important things

None of those constitute listening. They’re all about your stuff rather than your partner’s. But the truth is this is how most of us listen until we realise that we could actually improve on what we’re doing. So if this sounds like you, there’s no judgement.

People feel heard when we listen with our full attention on what they’re saying, and perhaps more importantly when we’re paying attention to their tone of voice and their body language.

But we don’t pick up as much information when we’ve got part of our attention fixed on our own stuff.

It takes a bit of practice to get good at listening without saying anything, let alone listening without having anything else on your mind.

The urge to give advice can be overwhelming when you want to help. I remember finding myself in a listening course with a group of doctors (GPs, registrars & consultants), and they all found it difficult to just stay quiet and listen!

How men and women listen

Even when we’re listening with love, we don’t always listen the way our partners would like us to.

Women in heterosexual relationships often complain that they just want to be heard – they just want to offload. But he’s too quick to jump in with advice. Or perhaps to give his interpretation of what she’s telling him.

On the other hand men complain that they often feel criticised or invalidated when they speak to their female partners.

Listening to really hear what your partner is saying plays a hugely important role if you want to upgrade your communication, alongside expressing appreciation and looking for common ground in relation to flashpoints such as parenting and intimacy.

Your listening skills can help to foster a supportive and understanding environment, where you and your partner can work through the challenges you face and strengthen your relationship.

There are different ways of doing listening, for instance:

• active listening
• deep listening
• empathetic listening
• reflective listening

But I’m not suggesting you listen like a professional. If you’re a beginner, I would simply suggest that you approach the act of listening with curiosity and compassion. These two can replace judgement. And if you listen without judgement and start to get good at it, I can more or less guarantee something will change on your partner’s side of the dance.

If you would like some more input on listening skills, come to my free online masterclass on January 24th. Once you've registered, I’ll send you the Zoom details. And if you can't make it live, you can still watch the replay.