You C.A.N. Remember Names

"There are three things I always forget: names, faces and ... I can't remember the third." - Pinterest post

I’ll always remember the wife of a four star admiral who attended one of my “Concentration” workshops in Hawaii years ago. She said, “Sam, I meet hundreds of people a week. Sometimes, I go to three or four functions a day. I’ve realized I’ll never be able to remember everyone’s name. But with your system, I can remember more of them!”

What is this system she's referring to? It's my C.A.N. system ... and here it is.

C = Commit

"If you think you can or can't, you're right." - Henry Ford

Telling yourself you "can't" remember names is called “failure forecasting” You just gave your mind a negatively-phrased order, and it will do exactly what it was told it to do.

You C.A.N remember names ... if you put your mind to it. All you have to give your mind a a mental marching order - what’s called a “determining tendency" - and focus on what you DO want instead of what you DON’T.

Instead of saying, "Look at how many people are at this reception. I'll NEVER be able to remember everyone's name," say, “I will imprint and remember the names of at least ten people at this reception.”

Instead of saying, "I'm terrible at this. I always forget people's name," say, "I USED to forget people's name, and now I know how important it is and how I feel when people make an effort to remember my name, and I commit to getting good at this."

A = Attention on the Face

"Distraction is the death of retention." - Sam Horn

 If you're scanning the room or looking over their shoulder to see who else is there when people introduce themselves, you’ll never remember their name because it's not what you're focused on. The goal is to link their face with their name so every time you look at them, their name pops to mind.

The best way to cement that face-name connection is to shake hands. This causes you to lean forward which funnels your focus on that person so s/he is the sole object of your attention. The physial act of shaking hands also creates a tangible bridge between the two of you so you literally and figuratively feel connected, even in a noisy hallway or ballroom.

Try this right now. Imagine leaning forward, extending your hand, focusing fully on someone’s face and noting the color of their eyes as they say their name. Feel how this shuts out your surroundings so they're "out-of-sight, out-of-mind?" 

From not on, don't wait for people to extend their hand, make it a habit to extend yours first. This not only avoids that awkward "Should we? Shouldn't we?" start, it is a key aspect of charisma. How so? Focusing fully on people and giving them your exclusive attention makes them feel as if they're the most important person in the room to you.

N = Numerous Spaced Repetitions

"The King says, "The horror of that memoment, I shall never, ever forget." You will, though, " the Queen replies, "if you don't make a memorandum of it." - Lewis Carroll

If we don't repeat names out loud to when we hear them, we'll probably forget them.

Saying “Nice to meet you Bob,” not only increases retention, it gives people an opportunity to correct you if you get it wrong. He may say, “It’s Rob, not Bob” which gives you a chance to say, “Thank you. Got it. Rob. Nice to meet you.”

Memory = intention + attention. Silently repeating a person's name whenever you look at their face visually and verbally imprints it which causes their name to “come to mind” when you see them again, even if it’s days, weeks or months later.

Please note: remembering names is not just an important professional skill that warms up our relationships with customers, coworkers and everyone we meet in a business situation.

Finding out and using someone's name can turn a "nodding acquaintance" into a mutually-rewarding friendship.

I'm speaking from experience. I lived on a lake outside Washington DC for 6 years. I really admired a couple at the end of our cul de sac who were always outside playing with their three kids. We'd wave and say "Hello" every time I walked my dog in the neighborhodd, however I didn't know their names so our conversations never went much past that.

Finally, I 'fessed up to them that, although we had introduced ourselves years before, I had forgotten their names. They laughed and confessed they had forgotten mine too. From that day forward, Ron and Claire became friends ... not just anonymous neighbors.

How about you? Do you know the names of the people who work/live in your building, on your floor or in your community?

If so, good for you. If not, what are you waiting for?

Everyone is waiting for someone eles to make the first move. Why not you?

Remind yourself, "I C.A.N. remember names. All I have to do it use this approach and invest the effort."

And it's worth it as it can turn "strangers" into friends. - and we can all use more friends.

P.S. And in case you're wondering, "What can I do if I've forgotten someone's name?" here are a couple of options.

The first option is to ask a mutuall friend what that person's name is and then to imprint it by giving them a friendly greeting next time you see them.

If that's not an option for some reason, it's important to 'fess up. 

Approach the person and say, "Could you pease remind me of your name? I know you told me what it was when we first met and I've forgotten it ... and I want to get it right."

Please notice that last phrase "I want to get it right." That gives this grace and is preferrable to carrying on about how embarrassing this is or that you're "awful" with names. 

Rest assured, as shared in the story above, most people won't be offended if you ask for their name again - they'll be grateful. It's an indication you care enough to ask and is often the first step to creating a warmer relationship where you both greet each other instead of avoid each other. 

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Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, is on a mission to help people create quality communications that add value for all involved. Her books have been featured in New York Times, on NPR, and presented to clients including NASA, Intel, YPO, Cisco, Capital One. This is excerpted from Sam's book ConZentrate which received a cover endorsement from Stephen Covey. Want Sam to speak to your group? Contact [email protected]