You Can Only Be Who You Are - Overcoming Female Stereotypes.

by Anna Baréz-Brown

This week I worked with 42 European women in Copenhagen from various agencies all over Europe and what strikes me again and again is how much we are all still confined by female stereotypes.

We still feel guilty that we enjoy work as much as parenting, that we are not all natural carers, and that we quite enjoy having some power even if this quality seems to be ‘reserved’ for the male stereotype. There is shame about not effortlessly transitioning into motherhood and instinctively knowing what to do with a newborn baby or, in fact, not being spot on in any situation with children aged 1 – 18.?

We are gatekeeping so many roles like bringing kids to bed, picking them up, organising birthday parties, choosing childcare and schools, cooking and shopping, travel organising, birthday cards for our “partners' parents”, dishwasher emptying, chauffeuring kids – and we feel uncomfortable to shed those roles and passing them on to others.?

The inner critic or gremlin behind this seems to be – “Having it all together” or at least “Looking like we have it all together ” which is something my business partner of 10 years Caroline Whaley found out after six months of research with women in the US.?

Society does not like it when we go against those stereotypes, and it seems like subconsciously we don’t like it too.

Let’s investigate why you might prefer working in a stimulating environment with people who appreciate you instead of raising your beloved teenagers. If your values are recognition, gratitude, empathy, connection, feeling valued and success (yes, I dare say success) then a stroppy teenager who rolls her/his/their eyes at everything you say, won’t hack it for you.?

If your values are adventure, freedom, independence, and hedonism again parenthood will be more difficult. Sometimes not wanting to be a mother and admitting that parenting is so much harder than you thought is a taboo. Missing that reckless part of you that just wants to have fun and is incredibly creative, naughty and fulfilled – feels wrong.?

There is a lot of trauma around womanhood that gets passed on from generations before us and it’s not ours to pass on. There is a dominant discourse in our culture that encourages explicit (no aggression or bossiness) and implicit ways of behaviour (be soft, nurturing and kind) for females that are restricting our authenticity, voice and power.?

As a woman who did not represent many of the female qualities until I had kids, I want to end this post with the encouraging words my neighbour Heidi Merrit who went to Oxford, then raised 6 kids and is now a priest used to say to me when she found me at the bottom of the garden overwhelmed by so many responsibilities “You can only be you, not someone else – and that’s enough because you are wonderful!”