You Can Communicate Better. Here’s How.

In the last edition , we talked about how to collaborate across generations, cultures, and even political gaps, even if you are dangling off a 3,000-foot cliff in Yosemite. On the mountain and in the office conflicts arise frequently. You forgot the rope or a deadline and here we go…

The good news is: conflicts can, if handled correctly, increase the connection and trust that you have with your co-workers because it allows both of you to understand each other’s needs and feelings better. Also, it allows you to find solutions that fit the needs of both parties and therefore reach your goals not only better but also with more comradery.

This is why I promised to share a proven communication technique that doesn’t only allow you to resolve conflicts and avoid defensiveness. Moreover, you’ll get to know yourself and the person in front of you much better.

Another communication technique? I know you are skeptical. However: I have used this technique for over one year in most of my conflicts and it has had a huge impact: I was able to resolve them more constructively and without the bad feelings that often arise when conflicts are not properly resolved. It't the #1 communication technique we train leadership teams in at ONEDAY and it's proven very effective.

So, if you would like to communicate better yourself or want to improve communication in your team, then you will find this edition valuable.?

Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, is a communication framework that is rooted in the belief that people's actions and words (including critique) are driven by their unmet needs and feelings. By understanding and addressing these needs and feelings, you can navigate conflicts more constructively and at the same time establish more meaningful relationships.

How to use it:

1.???? Facts: state facts, e.g. your observations without any judgment, critique, or generalization.

2.???? Emotions: share how that makes you feel. The more precise you are here, the better the other person will be able to understand you. I find that often it is quite difficult to label the precise emotion.

3.???? Needs: then share which of your needs has triggered that emotion. Needs can be things like respect, connection, or a clean office space.

4.???? Request: make a specific, actionable request that is in line with both of your needs. Then, the other person can choose to fulfill the request or continue the conversation to find a solution that fits both of your needs. ?

→ In practice, conversations will not always stick to the exact order. Instead give everyone room to share their observations, emotions, and needs. Really try to understand the other person.

When using NVC adopt these habits:

• Feel into the other person instead of judging their opinion: there is no right or wrong just a different need or empathy. Mirror back if you understood them correctly.
• Find constructive solutions that satisfy the needs of everyone. What do they need right now?
• Send “I …” messages: talk about your feelings and needs instead of the other person

For a Real-Life Example

Here’s a real situation from this summer in which an employee, let’s call him Friedrich has repeatedly set very ambitious targets for himself but then failed to meet them. His leader Linda addressed this issue at a quarterly performance appraisal talk.

Linda: I have noticed that you have repeatedly not met your targets (observation, no judgement). This makes me doubtful (emotion), because I need to be able to trust that my people deliver what they promise (need). ?

Friedrich: Yes, I have not met my targets, which I set very high to begin with (observation) and I can see how this makes it hard for you to trust me (acknowledgment). I set these targets so high because I believe that if I set extremely high targets and don’t achieve them I will still achieve more than if I start with low targets and achieve those. This gives me a lot of motivation (need).

Linda: I understand you would like that type of motivation. For me, it is important to be able to know what we deliver, you know, it’s like a team sport here (need). Wouldn’t it be motivating for you to set realistic targets and actually meet them (request)?

Friedrich: Yes, it makes sense from a team point of view. Let’s sit together and define more realistic targets for the next quarter (solution).

This example shows that now Linda and Friedrich have not only found a solution but also gotten to know each other better in the process.

A last note: when discussions get steamy is when NVC is most needed – and often the hardest to remember. Why not take action today? For example, you could print out the graphic and hang it for 2 weeks on your desk.

Since success can be measured by the number of hard conversations you are willing to have (Tim Ferris), I am sure you will make use of it shortly.

Climb your peaks,

Oliver

PS: I will be going with a team of good friends to do an excursion into the Himalayas for the next two weeks, equipped with a paraglider and a tent. Stay tuned for the next edition that will go into how to prepare on the ground for uncertainty in the air – be it an excursion or in business.