Are You “Braving the Wilderness”?

If you haven’t yet picked up Brene Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness,” I highly recommend that you put it at the top of your reading list.

Ostensibly about how to “belong in an age of increased polarization,” I’d classify it as one of the most compelling books on communication I’ve ever read. Though you really should pick it up as a gift for yourself, I’ve selected three major ideas to share with you below as you continue to sharpen your communication expertise.

Dehumanizing and Humanizing

Dehumanization, the process of stripping others of their humanity and demonizing them, “always starts with language,” Brown writes. She gives examples from both political camps such as the foul language used to describe both Hillary Clinton and Kellyanne Conway, pointing out that outrage over the treatment of one of these women should be outrage over the treatment of both of them. When we dehumanize the “other” we make violence and hate easier while pushing away solutions and productive discussion. One of the great powers of our language is to humanize those with whom we disagree so that we can get at the root of the disagreements while maintaining our own dignity and humanity. How? By maintaining awareness of our own language and engaging a conscientious effort to see those with whom we disagree as people. 

False Dichotomies

When we set up a zero-sum game such as you can support only Black Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter or All Lives Matter, we over-simplify and limit the discussion (and any potential solutions or understanding). It’s often the need to belong that drives us to this “I’m right and you’re wrong” state of being. Expanding the conversation beyond the zero-sum game can be incredibly difficult and requires bravery and tenacity. These false dichotomies are everywhere in our current cultural conversation. Pushing back against them puts you into a “nowhere land” that is uncomfortable but it just might be worth it for you and those in your world. A simple “both, and” approach may gently open up a conversation for you.

Civility and Incivility

It’s really hard to have a conversation of any kind, let alone a meaningful one, with someone who is uncivil. When we are attacked, we get defensive. So when someone’s first words to me are aggressive and geared to force me into an immediate battle stance, I have two choices. I can take that battle stance and work to “beat” them with words. Chances are, I could “win”. I’m good in a debate. But more often, I take the second option which is to respond with civility. Sometimes that shows up as a deep breath and a curious question to deflate the hostility. On other occasions, I allow for a few beats of silence to see how the words settle in the air before I speak. Hardest of all is to let the aggressor have their say and do my best to respectfully listen while they make their point. Then I work to address the issues they’ve put forward rather than the manner in which they put it forward.

Please, go get yourself a copy of this book. Not only will it help you to be a better communicator, it will help you to be a better human.