ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT A RESTAURANT IN AMERICA — YOU’RE GREETED BY A BEAMING HOSTESS, WHO CONFIRMS YOUR BOOKING. SHE (OR HE) IS BRIGHT. HAPPY. THEY’RE ON YOUR SIDE.

STRAIGHT TO A TABLE. ICED WATER. DRINKS. YOUR EVENING OF GOOD SERVICE HAS JUST BEGUN.

IN AUSTRALIA, MEANWHILE, THE EXPERIENCE OFTEN SO VERY DIFFERENT. EVENTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGED BY A BORED STAFFER. A NAIL-BITING, OFTEN SCEPTICAL HUNT FOR YOUR RESERVATION. YOU COULD BE AN IMPOSTER, AFTER ALL.

AND THEN A SMALL MIRACLE. DISAPPOINTINGLY, PERHAPS, THEY’VE FOUND THE BOOKING. AFTER WHICH THE UN-SERVICE SPANKING MACHINE REALLY KICKS IN. THE THIRSTY STRUGGLE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A WAITER — WHO MIGHT — PRETTY PLEASE — BE COAXED TO BRING YOU A BEER. 

SURELY THE RESTAURANT WANTS TO MAKE THE MOST MONEY IT POSSIBLY CAN? ON THE AUSTRALIAN UN-SERVICE MODEL — MAYBE NOT.

THE BRITS HAVE DEVELOPED AN EVEN MORE COMPELLING SERVICE ANTI-GOD. HAD TO INVENT A NEW WORD —“ BLANKED” — TO DESCRIBE IT.

“I WALKED UP TO THE COUNTER AND THEY BLANKED ME.” WHICH IS NO MORE THAN CODE FOR — IGNORED. A MODEL SO INFURIATING IT CAN TURN CUSTOMERS TO FOAM-FLECKED FURY — AND THE TRIUMPHANT RESPONSE ON SIGNS ALL OVER BRITAIN. “ABUSE OF OUR STAFF WILL NOT BE TOLERATED”. “BUT ALL I WANTED WAS A PAIR OF SHOES.”

THE BRITS HAVE ALSO DEVELOPED A NOTORIOUS OVER-SERVICE MODEL. LONDON PARKING COPS, FOR EXAMPLE, WHO TICKET CARS IN THE MIDDLE OF THREE POINT TURNS — AMBULANCES AT CRASH SITES — ONE REPORT— A HEARSE — DOORS OPEN — ATTENDING TO A DECEASED.

COULD AMERICAN RESTAURANT WORKERS AND LONDON PARKING COPS HAVE SOME MYSTERIOUS TERRIFIC -SERVICE DNA? WHILE THEIR AUSTRALIAN CONTERPARTS — AND LONDON SHOP ASSISTANTS — THE CARCINOGENIC ANTI-SERVICE GENE?

SO HOW ABOUT THIS? THE AMERICANS ARE PAID A LOW HOURLY RATE TO TURN UP. THE REAL MONEY IS IN THE TIPS. WHICH MEANS A TIGHT LINKAGE BETWEEN HOW MUCH THE CUSTOMER SPENDS — HOW MUCH THE RESTAURANT EARNS— HOW MUCH THE WAITER GETS PAID. 

LONDON PARKING COPS ARE PAID PEANUTS TO TURN UP — BUT A WHACK OF MONEY FOR EVERY TICKET THEY WRITE.

IN AUSTRALIA, WE’VE PERFECTED A WAGES AND SALARY MODEL BREATHTAKINGLY UN—RELATED TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN JUST CLOCKING ON.

WAITERS DON’T EARN A PENNY MORE FOR SELLING YOU A DRINK. FOR TAKING YOUR ORDER NOW — OR — WHAT’S THE RUSH? — IN HALF AN HOUR.

IT’S WHY THERE’S ALMOST NO DISCERNIBLE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HOW MUCH TEACHERS EARN AND WHETHER YOUR KIDS CAN READ OR WRITE. WHY A BURGLAR IN YOUR DRIVEWAY HAS POLICE ROCKING UP TWO HOURS LATER — OR — SOMETIMES — NOT AT ALL.

IN DEPARTMENT STORES — WHERE YOU DAREN’T INTERRUPT THE ONLY TWO SHOP ASSISTANTS CHATTING TO EACH OTHER ON THE FLOOR. AEROPLANES — WHERE THE STEWARDS AREN’T PAID A DIME TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

BUT SHOULDN’T WE BE MORE CAREFUL WHAT WE WISH FOR? MIGHT “CLOCK ON” AND GET PAID — CONTRIBUTE TO FLAT WAGES — WEAK PRODUCTIVITY — ELUSIVE JOBS? SERVICE BUSINESSES STRUGGLING TO STAY ALIVE?

WOULDN’T IT BE SMARTER IF WE WERE PAID TO DO THE JOB — RATHER THAN JUST SHOWING UP?

I’m #philackman and this is a #philackmanarticle originally to air on #cairnsfm891. I also contribute to #deniswalternights on #3awmelbourne, and every Sunday morning on #5aaadelaide with #JeremyCordeauxweekendbreakfast.