Are you being Cindy-Lou Who’d?

Welcome to Swag-HER!: Your Career, Your Way, a newsletter for professional women and their allies! We’ll explore how to break through the barriers to your success, making space for the career - and life -? you want.?

Is there anything more infuriating than having your (extremely valid and well-informed) concerns or insights dismissed out of hand? It can leave you feeling frustrated and demoralized, wondering if you’re living on the same planet as those around you. The problem is crystal-clear, so why don’t they see what you see? And why won’t they even entertain the possibility that you could be right?

It’s a scenario most women are all too familiar with. I can still remember one instance vividly.?

Years ago, I was head of brand marketing in a very male-dominated leadership team. Dave, head of product, brought a series of recommendations to a meeting that I knew were not feasible and had previously shared this view with him. It wasn’t the first time it happened; he’d done the same thing last year, delivering his ideas in such a rah-rah way that everyone had been taken in. I’d let it go at the time (much to my eventual regret), but his plans had resulted in my being saddled with completely unattainable objectives. I didn’t want that to happen this year, so I spoke up.?

It didn’t go well. Dave brushed my queries aside, instead opting to answer softball questions from his male peers. I asked again. He resisted. Finally, I suggested that we figure out how to lower the target number or add back the people and dollar resources needed to achieve it. “I’m comfortable with Dave’s plan. Thank you, Ellen, let’s move on,” the CEO interrupted. He nodded to Dave. With those two sentences, I’d been signed up for a plan I knew we couldn’t deliver before the calendar year even started.

After the meeting, I sat down with Leslie, my mentor and the highest-ranking woman in the organization. “You just got ‘Cindy-Lou Who’d’,” she said dryly. The reference to How the Grinch Stole Christmas wasn’t exactly comforting. She went on to explain. “Remember how she woke up to the Grinch stealing everything? She knew something was wrong. But the Grinch got her a glass of water, patted her head, and basically said, ‘Go back to bed, little girl, you didn’t see what you saw.’ Then he went up the chimney with all the stuff.”

I gasped. I’d been Cindy-Lou Who’d.?

The gaslighting Grinch

The Grinch wasn’t just a grouch, he was also manipulative. And while it’s pretty easy to spot the Grinch (being green and furry will do that), in real life, it can be much harder to catch this happening in real time. This kind of manipulation often comes cloaked in a smile or a metaphorical pat on the head. In today’s world, we might call it gaslighting. The term comes from a 1938 play (and a couple of great movies) in which the protagonist’s husband slowly convinces her she’s losing her mind by dimming and brightening the lights in their home. When she comments on it, he pretends it’s not happening, dismissing what she sees with her own eyes.?

Sound familiar??

While a workplace gaslighter is probably not trying to drive you to insanity, it’s only slightly less insidious. Gaslighting at work can look like a boss denying they ever gave you certain instructions or dismissing your concerns as “overreactions.” It could involve twisting events to make you question your memory or subtly isolating you from important conversations and decisions. And over time, these behaviors undermine your confidence and leave you doubting yourself.

What to do

Dealing with a Grinch at work starts with assuming positive intent—treat the actions as an oversight rather than malicious, at least initially. For instance, if you were left out of a critical email chain, you might say, “You probably didn’t mean to leave me off that list; thanks in advance for including me next time.” Correcting oversights calmly and directly helps address the issue without escalating tension. Focus on what you can control, like building relationships with your team and maintaining clear communication, while staying aware and verifying when necessary. Experiment with different approaches, such as praising their good ideas in group settings or openly questioning patterns of behavior to bring accountability. Most importantly, don’t waste your time looking for gaslighting, lest you see it everywhere. When it happens, you’ll know.

In the long term, don’t forget that our voices carry. That meeting threw me for a loop, but it also became a turning point for me. While I once felt powerless, I became determined to change the game by bringing more women and other historically marginalized or quieted voices, into those rooms and modeling what’s possible. When we pair the strengths of our past with new approaches and perspectives, we challenge old expectations, redefine the workplace culture, and inspire a better future where a variety of voices and volumes influence decisions.?

A couple of years after sitting dejected on Leslie’s couch, I faced another challenge when a senior executive sidestepped a thought-provoking question I asked as a board member. This time, I refused to shrink back. I asked the question again—and again, in different ways—until allies joined in, amplifying my voice and insisting on an answer. With collective persistence, we held the executive accountable, earned his respect, and reached a better outcome.?

Grinches may try to diminish your voice, but it doesn’t have to define your story. When we persist, find allies, and hold our ground, we shift the dynamics and open doors for others to step through. Each time we refuse to be dismissed, we model the power of resilience and create a path toward workplaces where every voice is valued.

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