Are you being bullied?
My friends,
Today I write to you with a more personal connection to the topic of bullying.
The truth is that we don’t realise how damaging this is to our personality and to our core values because often this bullying is so subtle and often progresses slowly that by the time we admit to being bullied we have lost so much of who we are and what we hold dear to us - but we’ll get to that.
First, I have a small story to share - I love my stories!
One night, outside a restaurant kitchen, there was a stray mother dog with her five puppies. The little family of canines was happily minding their business within the shelter provided to them by an old cardboard box that once housed a bar fridge. Every morning, midday, and evening, the restaurant chef would gather up scraps from the unfinished plates of food and serve it to the mother so that she would be nourished enough provide her puppies with milk. One cold afternoon, a van pulled up close to the little family, and two men dressed in white coats hopped out and quickly approached them. The mother dog knew something was not right, she felt like something was about to go wrong and contemplated her instinct to bark and growl. And then the worst thing happened: their home was shaken until the family rolled out and she witnessed four of her children being carried away to the van. She was so confused, and started to step back slowly in fear as the men came back. She started to back away from the cardboard box and when her last puppy was scooped up she ran in panic. One of the men was chasing her all the way down the alley that belonged to her and her family, slowly making her lose ground on all she had left. She kept running until she reached a dead-end in the alley and she froze. Thoughts raced through her mind like distant memories. She remembered the kindness of the restaurant chef and wondered whether she would ever get those tasty meals again. She remembered her home, although a box, it kept her and her puppies warm. She thought of her puppies being taken away from her and felt sad. And now having lost all the territory in her alley and with nothing left to lose she turned around and growled at the man, threatening to bite him until he got scared and retreated to the van. Now all she had was memories, a destroyed home, and no young puppies that fulfilled her purpose. No one knows what happened to her after that. Maybe she found a new alley, maybe the men in white came back to take her away, or maybe she just sat there with memories on one side of her life and a dead-end on the other side.
The message?
The mother knew something was wrong and didn’t take action when the men started to invade her home and take away her puppies. Only after she had lost everything and with nothing left to lose did she turn around and, in doggy-talk, say “No More!”
Our need to be Valued
Bullying is a reality and it happens in many areas (contexts) of our lives.
- How many times have you felt as though your personal values were being challenged?
- How many times do you look back on a romantic relationship and remember how insignificant you felt compared to the other person?
- Or maybe you felt that same insignificance in the work place?
I know that millennials receive a lot of slack from other generations, however one aspect where I stand with them fully is the desire to feel as though you are adding value! I am not supporting the notion of being entitled as a lot of positions and titles in life should be earned. I am talking about raw, pure, amazing value!
Our time is precious and when we go to work every day from 08:00 - 17:00, we give that time for a greater purpose and, well, to get paid. But the monthly salary is not what excites you every morning when you wake up - it is the belief that you are valued as an employee, and I believe this should be mentioned to us personally as it generates bursts of inspiration.
If you are in a romantic relationship I am sure you have heard about the idea of ‘compromise’, where both people in that relationship make an effort to share interests and partake in something that excites the other - even though it may not excite you as much. Compromising on one end could be that you appreciate it so much when your partner comes with you to your company awards dinner, even though he can’t stand Susan and really finds Gary to be a bit obnoxious. The point is that it was important to you and he happily agreed to join you because he is aware of the importance and really wants to see you happy - that’s it.
This value would be similarly reflected among a group of friends choosing to go bowling even though you wanted to speed it up in a go-cart race - its ok though because the next event they agreed would be the adrenaline-pumping, cart-bumping race that you just would not shut up about!
Bullying
And here we are. The main topic where I am hoping to resonate with you a little, and what better way to get into this than to start with some nerdy-science stuff?
Monks & Coyne compiled research and findings by many Professors, Human Development experts, and Psychologists that cumulatively suggest that ‘bullying’ does not only occur within peer-relationships in schools, but can also occur within many different social contexts and in a variety of relationships. Bullying can be defined as ‘a systematic abuse of power’ and can be physical or psychological with the intention to hurt or harm another person. The defining features of bullying which distinguish it from general aggression are that it is repeated and that there is an imbalance of power, with the victim in the weaker or more vulnerable position. There are some who argue that behaviour does not necessarily have to be repeated to be bullying, as a one-off incident may be so upsetting and damaging to the target that they then live in fear of it being repeated.
- Monks, C., & Coyne, I. (2011). A history of research into bullying. In C. Monks & I. Coyne (Eds.), Bullying in Different Contexts (pp. 1-11). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
I will not be discussing the more common types bullying but would like to focus on areas that are often overlooked. From the above paragraph, two rather opposing ideas really stand out for me:
- The Systematic abuse of power or the Imbalance of power.
- Physical or Psychological (sometimes emotional) damage where the target is vulnerable and lives in fear.
Wake Up! You are being bullied at work.
I personally have nothing against deadlines and I have never missed one in my life. I have stayed at the office until after midnight, sometimes even on a Friday night, and I have worked on the weekend to finish a project that was urgent. I have assisted colleagues with their deadlines so that collectively we produced a great project and my assistance got them home to their families one or two hours sooner. How many times have you been made to feel like you were useless at your job because of a mistake that you made, or that you had to work extra hard to manage unreasonable requests just because you were made to believe that it would improve your chances of getting a bonus? Maybe you feel judged by colleagues in the workplace who choose to stay later because they do not have other commitments that are vital to their well-being?
The bullying worked! You felt bad for your decision to leave on time so you skipped your yoga class and chose to stay at the office for two more hours.
Remember that idea of adding value in the workplace? Well now you feel like you have to work harder, not through inspiration or passion, but out of fear. I won’t go into ways to resolve this because I would like to keep some secrets for my coaching, but I am sure you nodded your head and perhaps resonated with some of those instances.
Wake Up! You are being bullied in your relationships.
Romantic or common - relationships are super important to us. Remember that dinner party with Susan and Gary? I bet you do! Susan’s voice sounds like a drill and Gary needs to learn basic table manners, but that’s ok because you made your partner happy and that’s all that counts.
Hey guess what? Its almost the weekend and you have that family lunch with your Mom’s cousins - its going to be an amazing day out there at their house by the lake, maybe you’ll even get to go out on the boat for a sun-downer - its going to be amazing! Its a real pity that Carla would rather stay home because she had a hard week at work and needs to just relax at home, but that’s ok - she reminded you of how lucky she was to have such an understanding man in her life and she feels blessed.
I surely hope you had fun at the bowling with friends because it is important to spend time with them and they really did like the fact that they were able to enjoy the Friday night bowling those strikes and feeling great in the comfort of their favourite activity. Did you ever manage to speed it up in the go-cart day as promised or did you, being the nice guy, agree that it was too loud and it would be better to rather have lunch at Plaka?
Why is it that Kelly and Brian always get their way?
A quiet response
The topic of bullying does relate to me personally and I have let it devour me slowly over the years. Through realising the pain caused by other people, often unintentionally because it is basically an abuse of power, I have developed the back-bone that I should have had years ago and I am not ashamed to admit that. When you are bullied, you believe that speaking up will cause more punishment so you keep it in and take more bullying. well, I am no longer going to be tolerating the emotional and psychological damage caused by the actions of other people. I have adopted empowering responses that are professional, non-violent, and most importantly: aligned with my core-values and framework of self-worth. While I like my stories, they always have a message. Think of yourself as the mother dog - your values and your self-worth could be compared to the cardboard box, that alleyway, the warm meals, and the dear squishy puppies. All of these were taken from her by people in positions of power and, out of fear she ran away until she had no choice but to stand for herself at the end of the alley. But she had already lost her core-values and once she did take a stand it was too late because all she has are memories of those values and she will always be haunted by that moment when she should have barked and stood firm but chose to slowly step backwards.
I am not eliciting violent responses nor do I wish to discourage performing well at work and I certainly love bowling. But what I want you all to do is to recognise when your value-system is being challenged and to take a stand for yourself. You are allowed to have a life after work and go to the gym or have plans with your family to watch series when you get home. You are allowed to express your dissatisfaction with your partners in your relationship - but be sure that you have done your part to compromise. And guys, friends are amazing, yes they can get moody but to voice your desire to do an activity that you would love to do is ok too. If a friend can’t make it, don’t make a big scene because life does happen - just make sure you get to do something that makes you feel valued among your friends.
You are incredible. You are important. And you are entitled to feel valued.
With Love,
ML | LD