Are You the Author of Your Narrative or Living Someone Else’s Words?

“How are you doing?” is a very simple and potentially loaded question. It’s usually met with falsities. “I’m good, I’m great, I’m okay.”

So whenever someone answers honestly, it’s refreshing. It’s surprising when someone will let you see their rain cloud instead of their sunshine.

I asked a friend this question recently, and instead of getting the normal brushed off “Everything’s chill, I’m grateful I’m alive.” — she didn’t mince words and revealed she felt like absolute shit.

She recently started a small creative company. She’s trying to escalate from offering her work Au Gratis to getting some paying clients.

“I felt like it was going great, but so many business owners need someone who can also do digital art or graphics. And I can’t do that. So I’m frustrated, I’m pissed, I feel like I’m wasting my time.”

I was a little shocked. A few weeks prior, she mentioned this was going to be a potential roadblock for her company. Her plan was to explore the world of digital art and integrating it into her business model.

“Oh, I thought you were going to buy the equipment and take like, an online class or something?” I replied.

“Yeah, I know, I guess I could do that. But everyone who does digital art started when they were like 18, or 19. I’m in my early 30s, there’s no way I can compete with them at this point.”

The age thing is always a tad silly to me.

Unless you want to be a Formula One driver, where there are only 20 driver seats available and all the drivers have been racing carts since they were eight, I feel like this excuse is not valid.

With almost everything else, there’s practically no excuse if that’s truly what you want. If that’s what your heart has a burning desire to do, there is some way you can at least attempt to make it happen. You can try to embrace it as part of your reality.

My first thought when she shared this with me was — who told you this? And why did you believe it? I saw the pain on her face and knew that it was deep-seated and real. I just couldn’t believe she trusted this sentiment about her own life. About her own story.

Have you ever trusted someone else to write your story because it felt safer than writing your own?

It’s like, “Well, I listened to them and that’s why my life is such a mess.” Or “They told me it’s hopeless since I’m this age, living in this state, and I haven’t gotten this degree, etc;”

It helps us live in a state of denial. Denial is like living in a painful cocoon. It’s padded with cotton, but there are a few nails sprinkled throughout. Now and then you’ll stumble upon a nail and it will hurt like a bitch, but mostly it’s cotton. You’re safe. You know what to expect. Your low expectations cause momentary pain, but you don’t have to wonder what action you should take anymore. It’s simpler when you eliminate the ability to take the next action.

If you truly believe that you can’t do XYZ because you’re too old, or too this, or to that… you don’t really have to try that hard. You get to live in a state of complaining, comparison, and in a pile of your own BS. And why do we choose that? Because sometimes complaining is more fun than actually having to get off your butt and make the necessary changes. Complaining doesn’t feel like it costs a lot, but it’s costing you a fortune.

Sometimes we are not always the most trusted narrators of our own story — and we need to be.

We give this very important duty to other people. Our parents, our partners, our friends, our siblings, society, the media, our teachers, our bosses, and co-workers.

There’s only one sure-fire way to learn to trust yourself… through practice.

Through giving yourself the opportunity time and time again to build that muscle. Not shaming yourself when you get it wrong.

Trusting yourself to type a few words out on the page of your story. Words that are all your own. Actions completely curated from your heart and head.

For the rest of our evening together, I kept thinking how different my friend’s story would have been if she didn’t trust someone else’s words but trusted her own. I wondered how different her story would have been written if it was of her own creation.

Speed Skating

“Your speed skating in your head. You don’t actually want to speed skate.”

— My Mom, crushing my Olympic dreams when I was watching the 2006 Torin Olympics and wanted to be the female version of Apolo Ohno.

She was right. I was just speeding skating in my head, but I wish she could’ve better explained what she meant. At the time, I just thought she was being a jerk. I didn’t know what “speed skating in my head” meant. And as I got older and pursued many interests, desires, and dreams, I have this trigger that will go off, “Your speed skating in your head right now, you don’t actually want to speed skate.”

It’s when I like the idea of something. It’s attractive, but do I actually want to commit to doing it? Do I actually love it enough to put the work in? To sacrifice for it? Probably not. Sometimes the answer is hell yes, and I lace up my skates and head for the ice.

Do Not Let Fear Write Your Story

I asked my friend what she was afraid of — which was failing. I totally understand. I’m afraid of failing. Many people are afraid of failing…. But be more afraid of not trying.

By not trying, you’re failing before you even give yourself a chance to fail. And typically our failures give us such valuable information about our life and what the next step we should take.

Fail your way into success. But success is never an option if fear impedes you ever trying.

The People in Your Story are Characters, but You’re the Lead Baby

Think of your favorite Tv show — the story is told through the POV of the lead character.

The side characters will say something or do something that will affect the lead, but then they leave. We stay with the lead; we get to watch them ingest and ponder what happened and choose how they’re going to respond.

We watch them choose how their story is going to continue. It’s their choice, it’s their world, they get to respond how they want to.

Whenever you hear an opinion, ask yourself how you feel about it — what do you think about it? Don’t just adopt it as your own.

You’re the lead baby. Everyone else is just a side character in your story.

Take-Aways

This is your story, trust that you’re the best narrator to tell it.

No matter where you are on your journey, you’re the one who gets to decide how it continues. You’re the one who gets to decide the next steps you take.

You’re the lead, baby. Everyone else is a side character in your tale.

Don’t let your story be written by fear. Write with big, bold strokes and use lots of vivid colors.

When you’re at the end of your story getting to reflect on all that your life was, I hope you’re wearing a fat smile and can admire the wild ride of your own creation.

This article was originally published on Medium.