You Aren’t Learning While You’re Talking

The Power of Deep Listening

I had a boss early in my career who, after what was probably the thousandth time I cut him off to state my opinion, said to me, “Melissa, remember you have two ears and one mouth. It would serve you well to use them in that proportion.” Wow - but he was right.

In our fast-paced world, you may find yourself distracted, multitasking, or not fully present in your conversations with others. Like my conversation with my boss, you may be impatient to jump in with your brilliant perspective rather than trying to understand theirs, and then you miss out on the awesome power of deep listening.

What is deep listening? It is the act of fully focusing on the person speaking, setting aside distractions and judgments, and giving them your undivided attention. It involves not only considering the words and ideas being conveyed but also any underlying emotions and motivations. In doing so, you not only have an opportunity to craft a more considered response, but you also create a safe space for the speaker to fully share their thoughts and feelings, be vulnerable, and to feel heard and seen. This often leads to both parties forming a deeper connection and more productive, creative outcomes.

Like any skill, deep listening requires willingness, commitment, and practice - lots of practice. The next time you have a conversation, try the following five tactics:

1.??Focus: Take a deep breath (or several) and remind yourself to actively listen. Check your body language - maintain eye contact, uncross your arms, lean in, and try to keep your expression passive. Control your breathing, emotion, and tone.?

2.??Acknowledge: After the speaker shares a thought, acknowledge that you heard them and you understand, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. This provides validation, shows you were paying attention, and ensures that they don’t have to repeat what they said. Perhaps nod and say, “I hear you.”

3.??Reflect: Once the speaker has finished stating their perspective, take a moment to share what you heard. This doesn’t have to be word for word, but rather a summary of their key points - “This is what I heard you say…”

4.??Clarify: Despite your active listening, there may be some amount of misunderstanding or the speaker may want to revise their ideas slightly based on your reflection. You may want to ask, “Did I miss anything?” or “Did I get that right?”.?

5.??Summarize: At the end of your conversation, it is helpful to sum up the speaker’s key points. This helps create alignment and allows you to respond more thoughtfully. It may also give rise to more creative thinking or alternative approaches that you hadn’t considered.?

When we practice deep listening, we show the speaker that we value them and their perspective. This can strengthen our relationships, build trust, and foster a deeper sense of connection. Additionally, we glean insights into the speaker's emotions and motivations, which can lead to greater empathy and compassion.

Interested in learning how coaching can help you live with greater authenticity and joy? Schedule your free introductory call today or visit Cross the Road Coaching and Consulting.