You are not alone

You may, some time, find yourself seated in a chair. You may contemplate on your life awhile, and as you do so, you may delve deeper within yourself for answers to life's pressing questions. Those answers may seem painfully far from your grasp. The world has become more complicated than we ever realised was possible. Pressure from within ourselves. Pressure from others. Pressure from society and pressure ... from our own expectations of ourselves, others and life itself. Do I stand, do I kneel, am I left, am I right, am I pro, am I con, am I flyer, am I worker, do I accept financial benefits, do I abhor taking money from others, is my life fixed, is my life flexible, am I victim, do I have control ... what am I meant to feel right now?

Everyone has an opinion on how we should be. Often the only ones to be uncertain, are we ourselves. As men we tend to endeavour to show steadfastness, confidence and surety. Many women may seek to share their feelings and connect with others to gain a foothold on the proverbial rock in the midst of a rushing stream. With so many opinions, so much input to our senses, is it any wonder that at times we feel isolated. We have responsibility for ourselves, for others, and this burden we carry, borne out of honour, dignity, duty and love, leaves us feeling adrift. We physically may be surrounded by others, but yet our dilemmas, our individual cravings for a morsel of certainty to cling on to, sets us apart from others. We feel alone.

Under the bridge

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner

Sometimes I feel like my only friend

Is the city I live in, the city of angels

Lonely as I am, together we cry

Red Hot Chili Peppers

?As a licensed Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway instructor you'll not be too surprised that I have a few thoughts for you to mull over.

• Don't compare yourself to others. Others carry their own burdens in very unique and individual ways. What is right for some, may not be right for others.
• Following on from this, do not judge yourself by what others may seem, or appear to have achieved. We all have a persona we wish to project. It may not be real but we feel it protects us. We may never know what happens behind other people's closed doors. What you see is not necessarily what you get. Set your own standards.
• People are stronger than you give them credit for ... including yourself. Confiding in others is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength, of self knowledge and confidence, hence "confiding". Those you seek to protect may simply want you to open up to them, to be emotionally available. Your "protecting them" may simply feel like pushing them away when you are needed most. To express yourself honestly is not weakness. It is an act of love given from a place of strength. You have that strength.
• When your feelings overwhelm you, take a tip from a dyed in the wool worrier... Don't forget to breathe. Yes you heard right! Stress drives us to take fewer shallower breaths. Take at least 3 deep breaths from the lower belly and feel the calm wash over you. You no longer exist just in your own thoughts, with a clearer head you return to the world.
• Why don't you simply stop for a moment, and get out of your own head! No, I don't mean have a long drag on a spliff. I mean sit calmly, and literally analyse your surroundings. What do you see around you? What is its texture? Does it have a smell. What sounds can you hear? Can you hear your own breathing? Analyse with fascination the surroundings you may have never perceived to this level of analysis. Take a few moments to look at your surroundings and breathe deeply. At this moment you are safe, secure, there is no need for flight or fight, you are calm. At this very moment there is no past, no future and no pressure. You are balanced. This is an example of living in the moment. I highly recommend it to you.
• We imagine that our problems are our own and unique. Whilst taken literally this is true, but is it not also true that much of the world shares problems at least similar to yours? There is a rather patronising phrase being bandied around that we are "all in the same boat". Might I maintain that this is not true. We are all subject to different effects of the same malaise, so can I propose, that we are not in the same boat, but we are all adrift in the same sea of poo. The rest of the world struggles in their own unique way. Like the song says :

Nobody Knows The Troubles I've Seen

Louis Armstrong

But yet we all struggle. Lack of certainty and direction is universal. Are you truly alone?

• We often talk about the fight or flight effect of shock, trauma and fear. We speak less of the third option in our stressful lives which is the:

Freeze Response

This reaction refers to a situation in which you’ve concluded (in a matter of seconds—if not milliseconds) that you can neither defeat the frighteningly dangerous opponent confronting you nor safely bolt from it. And ironically, this self-paralyzing response can, in the moment, be just as adaptive as either valiantly fighting the enemy or, more cautiously, fleeing from it.

Psychology Today

This response, much more common than you might imagine, can make us feel unworthy. Sometimes the over-analysis of a situation can lead us to experiencing the paralysis of analysis. Inaction due to too many or confusing options. Not taking action until you have made a cool, calm analysis of your situation is admirable. Failing to take any action over the longer term can however be prejudicial. A decision that may ultimately prove to have been less than optimal, yet made with the best information available at the time, can still be better than no decision at all. Action puts you in control. In the driving seat. No longer the isolated victim.

Talk with others. Remember the old adage that a problem shared is a problem halved.

And finally, when you see others who feel lonely, adrift and isolated due to the burdens they carry, remind them :

You are not alone

But you are not alone

I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart

You are not alone

Michael Jackson

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As a fully licensed instructor and life coach for the Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway organisation, I provide one to one online support for those who would benefit from a helping hand to a new way forward in these changed times.