If You Allow a Toxic Manager To Remain Unchecked, Your Leadership Is Failing

Part of Kathy Caprino’s series “Today’s True Leadership”?

Recently, a client called me to talk through a difficult situation that was generating a great deal of stress and fear in her job. The upshot was that her boss (let’s call him “Fred””) was outright abusive to her and several others on the team, and he was behaving this way regularly, both in public—in meetings with other staff members and senior managers—and in their private talks.?

Fred put my client down, ridiculed her, made fun of her questions and implied she and her questions were “stupid” and that she wasn’t fit for her job. Fred cast aspersion on my client’s commitment to the job as well and overall made her doubt her competence and ability.

Many of my client’s colleagues witnessed this behavior and several privately (and confidentially) reached out to her to offer their kind words of support. But Fred engaged in this type of behavior and communication frequently and treated many people this way, both on his team and in the wider organization. The only exceptions were a precious few individuals who actively stroked his fragile ego and avoided any type of discussion or comment that might challenge or threaten him. ?

He’d act out whenever the mood hit him to be cruel and demeaning, which was becoming more frequent. My client’s question to me (which I’ve heard more times than I can count in 17 years of career and leadership coaching) went something like this:?

“I’m so mad and sick about this. I’ve really had enough. I feel like quitting right this very second, but when I think about doing that, I have real concerns. There are some great things about this job, and I’m learning so much. And I really like some of my colleagues and the projects I’m working on and I don’t want to leave. But can you talk me through the options for me in terms of how I can deal with this?”?

In exploring the situation further with my client and identifying the best next steps (which include her actively engaging in looking for a great new role outside of this company), she shared with me that she’d heard from some people at work that Fred had, about six months before this, been told outright by his supervisor that he would never advance at this organization or be promoted due to his behavior. Yet Fred was allowed to remain in his position, with his damaging behavior continuing unchecked. According to the word around the office, Fred was considered a great “producer”—meaning he ran circles around the other directors in the organization in terms of sales results and made strong contributions in bringing in new business and new clients.?

This is a clear example of how “money talks,” and how, in broken and toxic work cultures, financial gain can allow abusive managers to stay in their jobs without penalty. As one would expect, other employees had quit because of Fred’s abuse, and several of these people told my client that they shared candidly about Fred’s behavior in their exit interviews with HR and other senior leaders, and discussed openly the harsh realities of working under him.?

At one of these exit interviews, one of the company’s leaders asked, “Why didn’t you say something before this? You should have told me this before you quit.”?

For leadership and career coaches like me, this type of question from a manager is deeply frustrating to hear and makes me question this leader’s capability to manage effectively.?

So, why don’t employees share a serious, potentially inflammatory complaint about their boss to HR and senior leadership, and what are the situations in which they should not??

Here are 4 typical reasons I've observed in terms of why employees stay silent (until perhaps their exit interviews):?

#1: They know nothing will be done about the abusive behavior?

In this case, my client, and everyone else, knew that absolutely nothing would be done about Fred’s behavior, because others had already complained and no serious action was taken. This means that the employee will have to risk punishment and retribution by this manager but for no positive reason or productive result.

#2: Those who complain will most likely be punished?

Further, this type of abusive manager will most likely not let the complaint stand. From what my client shared with me (and from my former training and work as a therapist and in close to two decades of serving as a career and leadership coach), it appears to me that this boss demonstrates signs of a narcissistic personality disorder. People with these types of behavioral traits cannot and will not take accountability for their actions.?

What’s worse, this boss will very likely retaliate, as my client has witnessed firsthand whenever anyone tries to stand up to Fred’s behavior in public.?

#3: Many employees are new to the organization and aren’t confident or secure enough in their roles to make a complaint?

Many people who are relatively new to their jobs and fields haven’t developed the confidence or secure enough footing to feel comfortable to complain about a boss. And they’re not sure what type of culture they’re immersed in yet and what is allowed and disallowed.

I’ve gathered evidence of this in my coaching work, surveys and research about what I’ve seen are the 7 most damaging power and confidence gaps that negatively impact a staggering 98% of professional women and 90% of men today, blocking them from reaching their highest potential and greatest, most fulfilling success. And younger folks (age 18-24) often have a deeper experience of several of these gaps as they haven’t yet had a chance to develop their confidence and self-esteem in their work and careers.? (To assess which, if any, of these power and confidence gaps are negatively impacting you today, take my brief Power Gap Survey.)?

It’s a brave and big move to complain about an abusive, toxic manager and employees know it. They often feel they need more experience and information about their work culture and leaders before going out on a limb and risking everything.?

As one who was sexually harassed and mistreated in more than one role throughout my 18-year corporate life, I know that this fear and reluctance to speak out is real and sometimes well-founded. In fact, this challenge is one of the 7 damaging power and confidence gaps I've researched, and I refer to it as Power Gap #5: Acquiescing Instead of Saying STOP! to Mistreatment. There are solid reasons why confronting abuse can be very dangerous.

Here's more on that from my Finding Brave podcast:

#4: Finally, it’s not the job of the employee to rid their work culture of a toxic, abusive manager. That’s the job of leadership.

Finally, it’s just not the job of an employee to have to do the work of ridding their work culture of an abusive boss. That’s the job of leadership, and if you’re a leader and not doing it, then you’re not successful or effective in your role.?

You need to develop a “toxicity radar” and understand what has to happen when a person below you in the hierarchy is hurting others.?

If you are a leader in any organization, and if you expect your employees to come forward to openly rat out the toxic boss, you’re simply not leading and managing the way you need to, to build a successful or healthy workplace.?

What’s essential to understand is that many of these toxic, abusive managers (and cultures) will not be open to constructive feedback, and will not be willing to accept responsibility or accountability for their actions. And they often will not (or cannot) engage in the hard work of change.?

But in your leadership role, it’s critically important to give these damaging managers the hard but clear feedback they need, and to offer them the opportunity to address and modify their negative, destructive behavior, with outside support if necessary.?

And you must lay out clear consequences that they understand if they are not able or willing to adjust their behavior sufficiently. Spell out in specific, crystal-clear ways what has to happen, and by a designated date. These necessary changes need to be spelled out, monitored and measured.

In truth, wounded people wound people, and so many abusive managers are wounded themselves. Typically, if folks demonstrating this type of behavior get even the slightest inkling that one of their employees has complained about or bad-mouthed them, the job for the individual coming forth can become a living nightmare.?

But as a leader, you must take action to address this manager’s behavior and abuse directly, and you must set up mechanisms by which employees are protected from retaliation.?

If you’re a leader and have ever said to an employee, “Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was?” under this boss, you’ll need to adjust your thinking and expectations and also implement new processes and procedures as soon as possible to ensure you’re building a positive work culture that works for all, with methods for employees to share their grievances, fears and concerns in a safe and confidential way.?

What to do? Here are some suggestions as a start:?

1) Regularly and consistently, take the pulse of your organization?

Measure on a consistent basis, with anonymous surveys and vetted and proven benchmarking processes, the culture of your organization on a number of key criteria including how employees feel about:?

• If employees and the colleagues around them feel they are treated with respect and consideration, both publicly and privately?

• If it’s an open culture of trust, belonging and psychological safety where challenge and pushback are allowed and accepted?

• If transparency, honesty, diversity, equity and difference are encouraged and embraced?

• If there is a belief and trust that abusive behavior and mistreatment will not be tolerated and will be addressed in a satisfactory way?

2) Build a mentoring community

?…within your organization (see MentorCloud.com, Ambition In Motion and other mentoring platforms) and provide new opportunities for employees to obtain influential sponsorship, mentorship, guidance, and support both inside and outside the organization.?

3) Do the dedicated work of building a culture of trust, strength, support, and growth

?…where all employees can communicate from strength, not fear of retaliation. Give employees a safe forum to speak up openly about their opinions and ideas. Don’t allow managers to crush down those who challenge wrongdoing or the status quo or who represent change and innovation. Build a strong, open organization that supports strength and honesty in its people. If you need to see the business case of what happens when you build a more open, positive culture, here’s some research. Your ROI will soar when you do.?

4) Stand up to mistreatment and understand the deep cost if you don’t?

As a leader and manager, you have the power and influence to stand up for fairness and justice and put a stop to all forms of mistreatment. (If you don't have that power, perhaps it's time to do something about it). This includes gender, racial, age discrimination and other forms of bias, pay inequity, sexual harassment, narcissistic behavior, toxic communication, and emotional abuse. Remove perpetrators of abuse or get them the help they need to change.?

Be a role model and enforcer of a no-tolerance policy of abuse and don’t be weak on this. Build avenues of communication and support for people who feel they are being mistreated. Don’t go the way of so many now infamous organizations that have made headlines by systematically allowing and sustaining the abuse of others.?

In the end, please stop expecting that your employees will rat out their bad bosses when they feel deeply afraid and reluctant to do so (and are justified in having this concern). That’s not their job and it’s too risky for them. It’s your job as a senior leader to assess and evaluate the work culture on a regular basis, with concrete data and information, and find new ways to keep employees safe and protected from mistreatment so that they – and the organization as a whole - can truly thrive and grow.?

For more about closing your own power and confidence gaps and rising to the highest level in your positive impact and influence as a manager and leader, read Kathy’s book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss and bring her video leadership training program The Most Powerful You to your organization. For in-house managerial, communication and leadership coaching, explore Kathy’s Career and Leadership Growth private coaching programs and her speaking and training services for organizations.?