Are you addicted to comfort? How comfort keeps you stuck

Can you recognise yourself in this story?

Let me start with a story.

Earlier on, at the dawn of my coaching journey, I had a huge opportunity that could have changed the trajectory of my business.

As excited as I was to take the next step and do something I have never done before, the stakes were high and deep down I was petrified of messing it up and looking like a fool.

I felt like an imposter and had no clue how to approach it and whether I can pull it off. Knowing it was coming up, I prioritised other more ‘urgent’ things and found myself completely unprepared with two days to go. Disappointed and beating myself over it, I started to feel unwell.

I felt relieved. I had something else to focus on. Health is important after all. Knowing I am going in with very little preparation I felt less pressure to succeed, I assumed I will not and so I cannot be too disapopointed with the outcome.

I spend the next day in the Emergency Room, I caught myself secretly hoping that I have to stay in the hospital overnight, mentally rehearsing the note I will send to withdraw from the opportunity.

Test after test in the ER, I was told there is nothing alarming going on, and sent on my merry way.

Riddled with frustration, anxiety and disappointment with myself, I comfort myself with a Netflix binge, and a mountain of snacks which made my physical symptoms even worse. I was openly making it harder for myself to succeed. In fact, deep down I wanted it to not work out because I did not now how to handle the next step.

It was scary, unfamiliar, risky. “What if I can’t deliver? What if I’m not as capable as I think I am? What if I look stupid and completely tank it? I don’t want to feel this level of embarrassed. Being glued to the sofa, binging Netflix, feels way more comfortable. It’s safe. I’ll stay here…”

Day of, I pull something together and knowing I have no valid excuse not to, I show up. But I give myself a good pep talk, and really tap into my self-trust. I bid on human connection over content, listening before I speak. And it worked. I knew my stuff and all I had to do is trust myself.

They were interested. And then I hit another wall.

What’s next? I never thought to get this far, I didn’t map out the next steps. So I procrastinate. Find distractions, TV, aimless scrolling, feeling the pain again, having to cook, tending to the dogs… “shoot, where did the time go?! The day is nearly over, I’ll do something brainless for a little longer to distract myself from the feeling of disappointing myself today. I will face it tomorrow.” Wow, how I lied to myself.

I procrastinated and procrastinated until I felt it was “too late” to follow up. So I let the opportunity go.

Humans are addicted to comfort

You might find a semblance of your own patterns in my story. If you don’t, good on you, if you do - you are not alone.

Human brain is wired for protection, our emotional system is there to keep us safe. When we’re faced with a life-threatening event, our body prepares for fight or flight response by adjusting our physiology to either face or run from the threat.

Sadly, our brain hasn’t evolved to distinguish between real and imagined threat, and whilst a high-stake presentation is not a life-threatening situation, out body and mind can act as if it is.

Doing something new, going after an opportunity that will stretch you out of your comfort zone, standing up for yourself; these are all situation that involve risk - risk of failing, being rejected, judged.

We are social creatures, so a pain of being ousted, rejected, shamed is a pain just as valid as the physical pain we feel. So of course we want to avoid it, shield ourselves from it.

We associate comfort with safety. As humans, we seek, crave, long for comfort.

Being presented with an opportunity to uplevel your life means facing something that is unfamilair, doing things differently to the way you have done them before.

Unfamilair often means uncomfortable.

It is no wonder that when we have a chance to do something new, unfamiliar, and risky, we can find ourselves retrieving back or subconsciously doing something to sabotage it. Maybe in the past you have taken a step towards something you really wanted, as much as is excited you, it also scared you, and so you didn’t give it your all and when it doesn’t work out you high with relief and get back to the familiar, your comfort zone.

Our comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there!

To truly grow, learn and fulfil your potential, you must embrace discomfort, risk, and a possibility of failure. In fact, you must embrace the certainty of failure, because to fail is to learn; mistakes are nothing but lessons.

How you might be holding yourself back

According to Guy Hendricks, the author of “Big Leap”, we all have an inner “upper limit”, an internal thermostat that determines our tolerance for the amount of success or happiness we allow ourselves to experience before we start pulling ourselves back to what we know.

Fulfilling your ambition and experiencing success might be what you deep down truly want, but it also means you will have to enter an unfamiliar territory, and that uncertainty can be quite daunting.

Success might also threaten those around you, and so you might resort to playing small to keep others comfortable and avoid scruitiny. When the “upper limit’ is reached, we can find ourselves subsconsciously doing something to sabotage ourselves, so that we can return to the old, familiar zone where we feel secure and safe.

And maybe on the surface this seems ridiculous, why on earth would you intentionally sabotage yourself to let go of an opportunity that could change everything?! The thing is, this happens at a subconscious level, and manifests itself in ways that appear to be legitimate concerns, for example you might mistake your discomfort and anxiety as a signal that you are on the wrong path.

Here are a few subtle ways you might be sabotaging your own success:

1/ Uprooting: When you find yourself starting and never finishing, jumping from opportunity to opportunity, but never following through. This might also be in life in general, changing relationships, moving frequently, jumping ship as soon as you start making some meaningful progress. This signals that you might be avoiding facing challenges and taking yourself to the next level by constantly focusing on re-starting, allowing yourself to sprout, but never blossom.

2/ Perfectionism: Striving for perfection is nothing but a protection mechanism. Procrastinating, never starting, because we are fearful that ‘the thing’ is not good enough and we might be judged for it. It is safer and more comfortable to tell ourselves that we have really high standards than it is to admit that we are scared of failing.

3/ Playing a rescuer: You might find a sense of significance from being there for others, being needed and sacrificing your own needs and goals in the process. It might make you feel like a good human, but it also distracts you from your own goals and dreams and leaves you using the excuse of “no having the time”. Brianna Wiest’s quote drives it home for me:

“When we have a goal, dream, or plan, there is no measure of intent. It is only whether you did it or did not. Any other reason you offer for not showing up and doing the work is simply you stating that you prioritize that reason over your ultimate ambition, which means that it will always take precedence in your life.”

Are you willing to stop defending your limitations?

Have you ever stopped to think what could happen if you allowed yourself to experience your full potential? With that comes responsibility, and that’s scary.

Our ego is hard at work at all times, seeking recognition, praise and a good social standing, putting ourselves on the line creates a risk.

With risk comes a possibility of great success, but also a possibility of failure. Stepping back to the familiar means you are taking your hat out of the ring, but at least you know what to expect. You feel cozy in your comfort zone.

Most of us don’t change our lives until the discomfort of staying the same becomes greater than the discomfort of taking the leap.

I learned from the situation and am no longer willing to play it small.

Are you?

Let me know in the comments and share it with someone who needs to see it today!