Single mom, leader, traveller - is there a conflict?
Remember when job applications have those “are you able to travel” questions? I used to feel so personally attacked.
I grew to travel frequently pre-pandemic, professionally and personally. You know the people who complain / humble brag, “I travel so much now I have a conscious dreariness when I see the approaching Changi air tower yet again?” Not me. I treasured every opportunity. To me, the ability to see and understand more is a deep privilege, one that many might not say they have the opportunity or the resources to.
However, what I felt and experienced was, beneath all that, was that can I actually say "I’m a mother of two"? And later on in my career, can I say I’m a “divorced single mom of two”?
However, what I felt and experienced was, beneath all that, was that can I actually say "I’m a mother of two"? And later on in my career, can I say I’m a “divorced single mom of two”? It annoyed me incessantly that I felt unsafe to say that, because it’s an important part of my life and energy - and it is part of my journey of me. I've come to a point where I no longer apologise for who I am and it has a lot to do with why I embrace travel as part of work, whenever I can.
It's part of the process - not a sign that you are doing something wrong.
Shifting perspectives: Are you allowed to structure a system that works for you?
My experience has been on how I fit my world around what works for me, rather than being led by a system or a work schedule. Granted I've made a few mistakes figuring out what works for me and my family, I've had to keep reviewing and changing what works or doesn't since my kids grow with different needs, and my needs change as well. It's part of the process - not a sign that you are doing something wrong.
Some of us may feel like we aren't of the right "authority" to dictate our own travel and work schedules, that the company dictates that for us. I would suggest looking deeper, to see if its a misaligned leadership style or company work environment. I've made choices to shift roles, functions and even companies based on what was available, with appropriate preparation and search time. If it's a misaligned leadership style, there would likely be more issues from a leadership angle. In that case, it would not be a long term environment that supports your growth, or a space you can effectively grow. The adage holds true despite changing environments: "people don't leave companies, they leave managers".
In the long run, if your work environment, schedule, systems cannot work for you and family, it is not sustainable for you to continue to excel or be successful.
My kids are not my excuse to play small
I watched a TED talk by Larry Smith "Why you will fail to have a great career" in 2014. It's on my favourite playlist. And his note about our children hit me really hard, because in some ways, I felt the pressure of that as an only child in my childhood. I made a decision there and then, I will not play small on my dreams, my creations, my career and my business and then later turn to my children older and tell them, "I didn't play big, I didn't follow my dreams because of you." They are not our excuse. Neither are the people around us, especially those we love and hold close.
In fact, to show them what is possible, or what potential looks like - failures, trial and error, success, hustling, dreaming and making - I keep going.
Another way to put it, how do you tell someone you love "I believe in you and your dreams." but don't show the same for yourself?
Understanding human connections across the world is more important than ever with technology growth
The difference between great regional / global leaders and those in name, are those who truly understand it is more about "managing" multiple countries. We can't learn that without travelling, seeing, absorbing and learning to understand. Your team doesn't have to conform to you and your "style" just because it's your culture, the same way they don't have to follow your leadership if they have other choices. Businesses work better when we understand how the culture shapes demand and behaviour, that impact product creation or solution delivery.
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Let technology work for you and build systems around you
We aren't in the house with our kids 24/7. They have to gradually learn independence and to be able to navigate situations outside the home by themselves. Equip them with those skills and confidence (I'm still learning how to). Stay connected to them by doing quality time check-ins, rather than just checking what their grades at the end of the term are. Sometimes that involves face-to-face quality time spent together, sometimes it involves chatting on the phone.
Managing a co-parenting arrangement, I schedule most of my travel (if any) during the time that they are their father's place. One favourite memory had my ex-colleagues sing happy birthday to my son on FaceTime when learning that his birthday was coming up (I scheduled the return date to be in time for his actual birthday). Another favourite memory was having my kids see various landscapes and attractions when I FaceTime them from choice locations. If it helps, I schedule on my calendar check-in points to contact the home base, which is important especially when we are dealing with timezone differences.
Businesses work better when we understand how the culture shapes demand and behaviour, that impact product creation or solution delivery.
Have a little trust. Have a little faith. Have a community.
To wrap it all, I've also had to mentally and emotionally allow my children some form of independence and trust that they can take care of themselves too. Building a support system and community around me was something I focused on with the divorce, to ensure that my children always had more than one or two people to rely on. I saw it as "packing their environment with as much love and support that I could". It was initially so that they could transition better into the new co-parenting arrangement, but I realised it worked for their childhood and the changes that come as a result of growing up.
A last note about what else great companies and leaders can do
Rarely though, for all the above, was it effectively navigated into company policies to support employees structure any of the above approaches. So kudos to any company that figures out to make the experience easier for both employees and their family. I’m still looking for examples - drop me a comment or private message if you see one or what it should look like for you. I've definitely had good mentors and managers who supported my mindset and developing confidence in navigating some of these tough conversations. As leaders, I encourage you continue to develop the opportunities to have these conversations and guidance for your employees.
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