Are You 100% of the Problem? Are They?

In any relationship, you will inevitably experience a range of feelings from complete and total awesomeness to complete and utter frustration. Whether as a significant other, sibling, parent, professional, etc.; if you share space with another person long enough… it’s coming! When it does, be careful not to fall into the trap of your righteous pain that they are 100% of the problem.

Logically, you know this is not true but your feelings and the world can trick you and lull you into a state of Finger-Pointed Thinking. YOU have been hurt, so YOU get angry, YOU behave in retaliation by either attacking or disconnecting, YOU share YOUR side with your team of people or anyone who will listen, and they tell YOU how right you are, what they would do and not put up with… and send you back righteously pumped for round 2, 3, or 3000! The problem with this is it excuses you from any and all responsibility… notice the amount of YOU’s that are in this paragraph. It becomes all about you… and that can’t work in a two-person relationship. As long as there are two or more people involved… one person cannot be 100% of the problem.

So, what do you do? Understand why the other person is upset… not focusing on what they are saying, but rather what their biggest need is. Keeping your calm and staying on course will be the biggest challenge! Next, accept your role in the situation. The truth is… that person needed something from you and it was not fulfilled. Can you accept that as a truth and with as little defensiveness as possible?

Speak with the person with the intent of positivity, healing, and moving forward; in whatever way it’s best for the relationship to do so. At this time, feelings will be raw. Be honest, but careful not to go counter-point for counter-point; leading to a rethatching of who was more hurt, more wrong or right, etc.  If you need… take time to cool down and revisit tends as it’s better to discuss with EVOLVED heads! Throughout this process you have acknowledge your role, apologize for your role… the final step is to brainstorm better ways and EVOLVE your relationship; understanding the deepest need of the person, how best to proactively meet the need, and create a new great! So many people drive themselves crazy trying to get back to the way the relationship was… that’s gone! There is nothing wrong with starting from where you are… taking the great from the past… but adding the wisdom from your now… and creating a new and better relationship!

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