The Yin and Yang of Conformity

??The yin and yang symbol represents the concept of dualism in ancient Chinese philosophy, describing how seemingly opposite forces may actually be complementary and interconnected.1 Depending on your outlook on life you may have a knee-jerk opinion on whether conformity is good or bad. My personal immediate reaction is to not look at conformity favorably given I am somewhat unconventional and I have not followed the yellow brick road in life. However, upon greater reflection, I realized there is a harmony that exists between conformity and individualism in our interconnected social world and that I actually value both depending on the context.

????The highest vibrational expression of conformity is cooperation for the greater good and safety of all living beings and things. When we conform to and obey traffic laws, we all have a better chance of arriving safely at our individual destinations. When we all do our part to reduce our carbon imprint by recycling, picking up litter (or not leaving any behind, to begin with), carpooling, walking or riding a bicycle instead of taking a vehicle, using reusable bags for shopping, and participation in other green living practices, we all benefit. Green living can offer the individual a sense of pride that s/he is doing her or his part to keep our planet healthy. In many situations, we benefit as individuals and as a society to participate in these forms of conformity.

????On the flipside, conformity can also be stifling and prevent the full expression of an individual’s talents and desires watering down their contribution to society and suppressing their own potential for self-fulfillment. I self-identify as a square peg and have spent most of my professional and personal life trying to live by square pegging it in a round hole. My nature is to be accommodating and I am a recovering people-pleaser. Until recently, I have often compromised my authenticity by having one foot in each camp, not fully committing to conformity nor giving myself full permission to be myself. The only way to fit a square peg in a round hole is to diminish it, to chip away its boundaries, and force conformity. And yet, all that remodeling still results in a fit that is loose and not secure.?

My journey to no longer hide the parts of myself that are different or less mainstream and to set and enforce boundaries has been a tumultuous adventure. It has caused me to discover “new pains and new joys.”2 It has caused rifts in long-term relationships. It has caused me to care more about my own opinion and well-being than the opinions and convenience of others. It has taught me that some of my relationships were based purely upon my willingness to say “yes” consistently when I would have been better off to say “no” at least 50% of the time to those requests. It has taught me to pay attention to how people react when I do say “no.” It has also helped me to evaluate whether to continue on or switch directions when fitting in requires me to be smaller, speak softer, or not at all. I have done a lot of “unbecoming” in the past couple of years and sometimes that has come with loss and painful consequences, but it has also given rise to self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-love. It helped me to reduce my need for approval from other people and shift my mindset towards seeking and participating in activities that inspire self-approval.

????I recently resumed a sociological experiment that I unwittingly began in 2017. The beginning was not in the least intentional; it began by being fully present in the moment, oblivious of the need to conform. I was walking down the streets of Atlanta listening to my iTunes when a song came on that made me want to dance; so I did. I dance–walked to Sara Bareilles's King of Anything in complete bliss, at first unaware of the commotion it was causing until I heard a car horn beep. I looked in the direction of the honk and saw a man fist-pumping in approval with a huge grin on his face. So I flashed him a grin and a peace sign in return. I continued on my way and crossed paths with another woman walking who giggled at my non-conformity dancing display. I then passed another man who did his best to avert his eyes from me. I laughed at the range of reactions and continued on grooving until I reached my hotel. It compounded my joy and what a wonderful thing that is I thought.

????When I was in Chicago the next week, walking before dawn I let the music take me over once again with Stevie Wonder’s Hold on to Your Dream, but this time I was more mindful of watching other people watch me. I received the same range of reactions. One reaction, in particular, made me howl in laughter. Up ahead was a homeless man panhandling assertively and the handful of pedestrians ahead of me either ignored him or quickly declined to contribute to the paper cup that he jangled in his left hand like a rhythm instrument. I was next up and when he caught my eye and my dance moves, he just shook his head in a profound knowing way and did not even bother to ask me for a contribution. Well, crap on a cracker, I had discovered a new way to deter panhandling!* I looked too crazy to approach for a homeless man. While this gave me a huge laugh it also gave me pause to ponder the grips of conformity on all people no matter how diverse on the spectrum of “normalcy” they might individually identify. I am always saying that everyone is somebody else's weirdo.

???????I began to think of all the ways we mindlessly follow and adhere to social norms like not talking in an elevator and facing forward. It made me both sad and happy to think that some people could not conceive of themselves dancing anywhere except in socially accepted locations and that I was self-confident enough to not let it stop me. I continued my dance-walking experiment in Boca Raton, my hometown (since 1986). I frequently walk the sidewalk along A1A between Palmetto Park Road and Spanish River Boulevard and as such you see other walkers and runners exercising at the same time of day. Some people will say good morning or hello and some don’t. But what was really interesting to me was the people who would normally offer an audible greeting would completely avert their eyes and quicken their pace when they encountered me dance-walking, as if they couldn’t get away from me fast enough. It didn’t hurt my feelings; it amused me. The spectrum of reactions was wide no matter what city I did it in.

This past Saturday, I was walking this same A1A path and was inspired by Mark Ronson’s Uptown Funk to get my groove on and the same range of reactions ensued. This time it led to a soulful conversation with Fernando who was walking in the same direction as me. He enthusiastically said good morning to me when his stride caught up with mine. He told me he was so happy to see me so happy. He thought it was great that I was enjoying myself, not caring what other people thought of my dancing. He totally got the joke; that joy is in short supply and you must seize every joyous moment that presents itself. I told him about the homeless man in Chicago and he laughed too. We had a beautiful moment that gave way to a soulful connection and conversation about the innate desire to be true to oneself and still belong to our families and communities. Thank you, Fernando, for being willing to connect; I so enjoyed our conversation over that mile we walked together.

????This serendipitous exchange gave way to more thoughtful reflection on my current goal of being a speaker on topics of emotional and mental wellness and suicide prevention and education. I realized that the spectrum of reactions to my dance-walking is much like the spectrum of willingness to engage in uncomfortable conversations surrounding mental illness and suicide. So I decided that I am going to use my dance-walking as a way to bring attention to these very important issues. I hope to open up the conversation, make it more accessible for those suffering and those who support, love, and work with those suffering. I have found a little levity goes a long way to making the conversation less uncomfortable.

????We have not moved the needle on suicide prevention for a number of reasons and my vision to change that is to start a either a B Corporation or a 501c Non-Profit that pays those with mental health diagnoses to speak candidly on their experience to students and adults. There are many reasons people are staying in the shadows with their struggle and one very real risk of being open and in the spotlight is the risk of losing your financial livelihood. It is very difficult to prove workplace discrimination in the United States; most cases are dismissed as the onus of proof lays on the discriminated to substantiate their claim. The laws in place offer more protection for the employer than the employee. Depression is considered worldwide the leading cause of disability and employers are starting to realize the significant impact on their bottom line. Yet for meaningful change to occur, an employer mindset shift needs to happen beyond looking at the dollars and cents of mental health in the workplace.?We have to value employees beyond their day-to-day performance on the job and see they are worthy of assistance because of their inherent worth as human beings not solely because companies desire to improve their bottom line.

????So my thought to help shift change is to offer a financial incentive to become vocal. I know the power of sharing my story and how it helps other people open up about their own. On May 17, 2019, I did a Facebook Live celebrating the 25th anniversary of my best failure--my suicide attempt. I actually filmed my Facebook Live from the location of my suicide attempt when I was 21 years old. I prepared myself for negative reactions, but I did not receive a single one. I received a lot of praise for being brave and even shock from people I was friendly with, but who did not know of my struggle with bipolar disorder and chronic suicidal ideation. I also received private messages from people who were silently suffering.

????Starting a business takes money; money that I do not currently have alone. However, I am curious if moving the needle on suicide prevention is worthy of a small donation from everyone who is moved by this essay and inspired by my vision. I am wondering if you would host me at your community center, church, synagogue, mosque, healing center, university, brewery, or coffee house to share my story and hopefully open the dialogue in your community so that we can begin to move the needle on suicide prevention and gain more access to care for those in need of mental health services in your community. Perhaps a basket could be passed around at the conclusion to help establish and fund the work of Dance Walking Fool.

????I have started a GoFundMe campaign to raise funds to cover the cost for material and travel expenses related to giving these awareness workshops across the United States and to recruit and pay other speakers to do the same by telling their unique story.

Please contact me through Linked In or at [email protected] for speaking engagement and sponsorship opportunities.

????I sincerely hope to be dance-walking across our country and in your hometown soon. I hope bringing a little levity and joy to a difficult conversation will help open us up to seeing there are a number of options available to decrease suffering and stigma and increase wellness and awareness.?

Resources:

1.????The definition of yin and yang symbol: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang

2.????Avery, Scott Why Dance

* This line was written for the purpose of humor, not judgment. Although I don’t give to every panhandler I meet, I give often. I actually engage in regular conversation and assistance with the homeless community in Boca Raton, Florida and I have been homeless twice myself.