Yes, tells you nothing, no is the doorway to everything!

A Coachee recently asked me, “how do you deal with someone who says no?”

My off the cuff answer was, use the active listening skill of reflection, ‘no… followed by effective pause’ or ‘no…(pause)…tell me more.’

Then I got to thinking about the whole concept of why people seem to find the word ‘no’ so difficult to deal with. Some thoughts…

My Centre for Effective Dispute Resolution (CEDR) CEDR colleague, Dr. Andrzej (Andy) Grossman reminded me, many people don’t like saying ‘no’ to avoid potential conflict and/or feeling that they will hurt or offend the other. So, we hesitate, choose weaker, ambiguous words, stay silent or say yes when we should say no!

Receiving a ‘no’ can also conjures up a feeling of rejection, an emotional blow, an attack on our identity; not liked, don’t belong or incompetent.

‘No’ also triggers my favourite topic of ‘loss’; a primeval powerful influencer, designed to nudge us away from behaviours that might cause serious injury or death. The challenge when saying ‘no’ is that the brain for both the deliverer and receiver, registers more acutely the risk of a loss than the opportunity to gain; hence we feel uncomfortable, unsure, or discombobulated as a former colleague used to remind me!

'Yes' also has its challenges. More and more in the news, media and advertising there are examples that remind me of the dangers of saying yes…especially in terms of our growing need for immediate gratification on so many aspects of modern life…the desire to have it now. ?It reminds me of an experiment conducted by Walter Mischel in the 1960s with young children and marshmallows. In the experiment children had a marshmallow put in front them and were given a choice to eat the marshmallow straight away or wait for 15 minutes, after which time they would be given two marshmallows. The children were left on their own in the room with the marshmallows in front of them. Some said “yes” and some said “no” for 15 minutes. The children were monitored over several years and the research found that the children who said “no” achieved better exam grades and less likely to show impulsive behaviour. I wonder whether the proliferation of social media and the growing need to have a mobile phone from birth is fuelling the, ‘I want it now’ culture and making it hard to say no!

And yet, there are many situations when we quite happily say, ‘no’ and feel very comfortable – so why is that?

I would say, because the greater loss is somewhere else!? My podcast Find the Loss will tell you more.

And there are positives to saying ‘yes,’ whether that is because we are super clear why or tactically we appreciate the benefits it can bring. The power of reciprocity, is a social value we learn from a young age whereby agreement to do something earns us the right to claim back something of equal or better value. It comes with the bonus of no ‘best before date’; it is timeless.

However, as Daniel Kahneman, author, psychologist and Nobel prize winner points out, the twist to saying 'yes' is that the decision making is more naturally linked to the automatic and sub conscious thinking part of our brain, (System 1). As such he has a rule to never say 'yes' to anything on the spot. People-pleasing had him making too many commitments. Instead, he says something to the effect of, "Thanks for the invite. I don't say yes to anything on the spot, but I'll let you know if I'm interested." Turning the choice into a rule lowers the pain of rejection for others and makes the decision easy for you as well.

I am sure you can add to this scattering of thoughts, however, in the spirit of my ‘3am rule’ – if it is 3am, pouring with rain and I am on top of a building trying to save a life; can I remember the techniques, apply it in the moment and does it work.

…is there an easier way to think about the word ‘no’?

No, is always about an interest or need not being met!

Kahneman makes a good point on pausing before a ‘yes,’ and I would suggest the same for a ‘no.’ I’d be the first to put my hand up and say, I act instinctively! And yet, when you do pause to consider why, it can be revelatory.

If we don’t do it for ourselves, no wonder we struggle when others say ‘no!’

Homework for 2024.

The next time you say, ‘no’, pause, breath and ask yourself why? This will reveal the interests below the surface of the position you have just adopted.

Then ask, ‘why the whys?’ This will reveal your need(s) and what is really driving your behaviour.

Good supplementary questions to help you dig into what the needs may be are:

• Why is this so important?
• Why does it matter?
• Why does it mean so much?

BEWARE - this homework is more challenging than you think:

1. You won’t give enough time and attention to truly identifying your own interests and needs for your own no’s!
2. You will rush ahead and try to do the same for others when they say no.

You can only become good at (2) when you truly achieve (1).

• How will you know when you have achieved (1)?
• When the revelation from your own ‘no,’ unexpectedly changes the outcome.

Why is this so important?

Look at the title!