The 'Yes' syndrome - Just say NO!

OVERCOMING THE ‘YES’ SYNDROME (WHEN YOU JUST CAN’T SAY “NO!”)

 Wow...this was a HUGE problem for the first part of my life. Being the third child in an unwanted situation...I immediately became the ‘pleaser’... the one who was always searching for confirmation of love and acceptance. I wanted to be ‘needed.’ I wanted to be ‘liked.’ I couldn’t stand it if someone thought poorly of me. I wanted to fix everyone’s problems. I wanted to be everything for everyone. I wanted to ‘be’ what others thought I should be. I had a ‘peer pressure’ issue...where if someone was upset with me...I just HAD to make it right! And my biggest problem...was that I couldn’t say ‘No!’ for the life of me. It just wasn’t in my vocabulary! My brain was wired like a pet monkey...to imitate what my master wanted of me. If someone told me I was ugly...I took them at their word, and said, “Yes.” “I am ugly.” 

If someone asked me to pick up their garbage, I would reply... “I’d love to.” As a child and growing up...when my step father pressured me into performing sexual relations with him...I would think to myself that I must do what he told me.  Well...I have just one word now...for how I look back and view my perception of all that I did because I didn’t have the courage to say “NO!” SICK!  Sick...sick...sick! Thank God I finally learned that “YES” can be a very bad thing for me...and that “NO!” can be a wonderful, liberating, and healthy word! You see...the problem with saying “Yes”...is that it can create resentment, anger, confusion, jealousy, self hatred, and other issues which lead to VERY unhealthy relationships with family and friends. The wonderful thing about saying “NO!” can open up a whole new world of empowerment and happiness for you!

 I have a long-time girlfriend who has a VERY difficult time saying ‘no.’  She reminds me of how I used to be...placing other peoples needs and desires before her own. Only....it almost destroyed our relationship completely. Back when I was in Los Angeles recovering from a couple of surgeries and trying to figure out what I wanted to do next in my life, and where I wanted to live (I just HAD to get out of Los Angeles! The city life was driving me crazy!)...I used to visit my girlfriend in New Mexico. 

She lived in a lovely home in Santa Fe. For years, she had always been encouraging me to visit her more often...and telling me that ‘her home was my home,’ and that she would love to have my company. Well now that I had the time, I began to take her up on her invitation to stay with her. So on occasion, I would fly to New Mexico, rent a car and stay with her for three-four days. We always had a great time visiting and laughing together, and I always enjoyed staying there, sleeping in the guest room and driving around New Mexico exploring the area. Well every time that I visited (maybe once every three-four months), she would insist that she buy groceries, cook dinner, and otherwise be the ‘perfect hostess.’ And every time, I would insist that I buy the groceries and that she didn’t need to cook for me and treat me like I was a guest. So I would tell her, over and over again, that

 “I was a friend...and a grown woman. I had money and I could help foot the bill for groceries. I could fend for myself in the kitchen. She didn’t need to cook for me. I could clean up after myself. She didn’t need to take care of me. LET ME HELP!” 

 Yet, time and again, we would end up arguing endlessly about these trivial things. I never could understand it. And after awhile...I began to learn that there was just no ‘winning’ in those arguments and I didn’t like to disrupt the harmony and our friendship by continuing to object. It got to the point that, after going back and forth about three times or so...I would just give in. And then I would try and do things WITHOUT asking her. I would buy groceries and bring them home. And/or I would often leave cash hidden in a drawer when I left. And being a polite and caring person myself, I always tried to make sure that I picked up after myself while I was there. Only, I did know that my own standard of cleanliness was NOTHING compared to hers. 

 What I did not know...was how she apparently began harboring resentment against me for having to clean up after I left...for having to spend extra money on groceries (because she insisted on cooking and eating some fine meals), by feeling the need to prepare meals for the two of us, etc., etc., etc.. Well...on one of my visits...I stayed longer than usual. I was thinking of moving there, and I had discovered a really nice guy that I was interested in. Then, at my friend’s insistence....I invited him over for dinner, which, of course she insisted on preparing for us. A few hours after dinner she retired to her bedroom, and my date and I continued chatting and laughing and playing some music. Of course, we were considerate, and tried to keep the noise down.

 Well, it was the next day when I had just come in from buying some groceries, that the phone rang and I picked it up. My girlfriend had gone out to the gym. The lady on the phone was her friend, whom I had just met a few days before. 

       “...well tell her to call me when she gets in. But I’m glad I got you on the phone because I needed to tell you something! I am tired of you taking advantage of her! She’s been buying food for you...cooking for you...doing EVERYTHING for you. And what have YOU done for her!? You dirty up her place, you bring your boyfriends over for all hours of the night...keeping her up! She needs her space and quiet! How DARE you take advantage of her! You need to GO!”

 Speechless, I hung up the phone in dismay. I had NO idea that my girlfriend had apparently been so upset with me, that she had been complaining to her other friend! Wow! How horrible that I had been so thoughtless. I should have realized that she ‘needed her space’ and such. Horrified that I had been such a burden on my good friend, and humiliated at the berating I had just received, I immediately packed my things, went out and got a hotel room. Hoping to find my girlfriend home, I returned to her house...only she still was not back. Afraid that she would object to me staying somewhere else, and INSIST that I stay with her...I then decided to just leave, and I began to write a note of explanation. Just as I got the pen and paper...she walked in. So, not wanting to upset her, I put a smile on my face and told her that I had been visiting for so long, I felt that she could probably use some ‘space’ and time to herself, and had decided to get a hotel for the remaining two days of my stay. 

 Immediately, she did a ‘Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde’ act...and began to berate me about how, “It was about TIME, that I realized she needed her space!” It was like fireworks had just gone off in her head...and she went on and on about how I had been taking advantage of her and her friendship. The anger and hatred spewing from her mouth stunned me, and as I listened silently to her tirade....my heart caught in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. As she ended, I quietly picked up my keys and left. Later...in a follow up email, I tried to apologize...for what, I was not sure. But I realized that she was still furious with me for being such a bad friend. 

 That was the last time I saw her for quite some time. Because....why? Because I had given in to her insistence on ‘taking care of me.’ Because she could not set her own boundaries and inform me of her needs. Because, much like I used to be...she had the personal handicap of the ‘YES’ syndrome. And the more she said ‘YES,’ let me do that...her resentment and anger would raise a notch or three. Fortunately, it had finally become obvious to me that, although she ‘said’ yes...she really didn’t mean yes. Because, it was now obvious, that the more she did for me...the more that anger built up. And the more she kept those feelings inside...they grew into a seething hatred until it spewed forth like an erupting volcano.