Yes or No?

Many of us say “yes” when people ask us to do things. Making others happy feels good, and we want to be liked. We want to be kind and help out, and we enjoy the satisfaction of doing someone a favor. We also imagine that if we are agreeable all the time, then other people will appreciate our efforts and reward us in kind. Conversely, we sometimes say “yes” to avoid conflict, believing that “no” would only lead to confrontation. Whatever our reasoning, we often say “yes” when we should really be saying “no,” and do so automatically.

But, saying “yes” all the time also comes with downsides. Some requests are truly unreasonable and should be rejected. Sometimes people ask us to do things that are outside our scope of work, would take excessive time, or should be done by someone else, including them. Some requests are actually unfeasible, in the sense that we can’t fulfill them even if we want to. If we say “yes” all the time, we eventually overcommit, become overwhelmed, work ourselves into the ground, and in the end, fail to deliver on our promises.

There are also emotional and social costs to saying “yes” all the time. We might feel the dissonance when we recognize that we’ve just agreed to a request we should have refused. We might get angry or frustrated with our decision, judge ourselves harshly for agreeing, or worry about being seen as a pushover. We might feel resentful toward the other person for taking advantage of us or avoid interacting with them in the future. Unable to socialize or relax, we are perpetually exhausted, and despite our desire to please others and be fulfilled, we apologize all the time and feel hollow.

Our time and energy are finite, and we need to manage them carefully. By saying “yes” to everything, we abdicate our responsibility to ourselves and those in our care. Instead of managing our priorities strategically and paying closest attention to the most important matters, we try to do it all, and let ourselves and others down. We need to reframe how we think of the word “no” in our minds – we are not rejecting the other person but instead selecting the most valuable investment of our energy and time. There are always more things to do and more people to please, but by saying “no” to some things, we clear the space to focus on our highest priorities and have the greatest impact.

By worrying whether to say “yes” or “no” to a request, we’re focusing on the wrong question. Instead of being guided by an internal compass based on fundamental values and strategic objectives, we define our actions through other people. “Yes” and “no” are both legitimate responses, so long as we say them for the right reasons, based on the things we value most, the relationships we cherish, and the accomplishments we wish to look back upon with pride when all is said and done.