Yes, and...I just lied to you even though I didn't want to.
A "yes" without full truth is like a handshake without eye contact. Two hands physically make contact but one individual is otherwise lurking in the shadows, out of integrity.
I am the first to admit my guilt in giving partial or entirely false "yesses" in the past... and, okay, yes the present too. We've all done it, and for all kinds of reasons: incomplete evidence, personal fear, fear for the business, fear of hurting someone else, even fear of fear. Lots of fear in that false "yes" isn't there? Funny thing is, our true self wants to share the truth, we're often just afraid to do it.
Below are 10 scenarios when the "yesses" I’ve given and received have not equaled yes and 10 reasonable alternatives that have strengthened my trust and outcomes with colleagues. My experience is that these alternatives require more courage to be vulnerable than to say "no" itself.
The upside to vulnerability? With the right colleagues, vulnerability breeds vulnerability. Over time, that points a much straighter, reliable line to truth- and trust-based outcomes.
If any of the reactions below resonate with you, I would be grateful for your sharing in comments/DM.
Yes, because I don’t know the real answer.
(I’m unsure at the moment but will find the answer and get back to you.)
Yes, because I don’t want to disappoint you.
(I don’t want to disappoint you with an insufficient or unfortunate truth, so let’s talk through this.)
Yes, because I insist that it is so.
(I feel compelled to defend myself here. I want to say yes, even though that might not be the answer. Can you give me space to explain myself or the situation? My hope is that we can then arrive at a conclusion together.)
Yes, because I know it’s what you want to hear.
(I have a feeling you may want to hear yes, and I am compelled to give you that. Let me share how I arrived at this no and where we can go from here, together.)
Yes, because I’m afraid to be wrong.
(I’m fearful of failing you here by being wrong. But the truth is, the answer is no, and here’s how I arrived at this conclusion.)
Yes, because everyone else is saying “yes.â€
(I realize the group believes the answer is “yes,†but here is what my data tells me about why the answer may actually be “no.†Let’s game plan how we can move forward on this together.)
Yes, because everyone else is saying “no.â€
(The inverse of above. IE: I realize the group believes the answer is “no,†but here is what my data tells me about why the answer may actually be “yes.†Let’s game plan how we can move forward on this together.)
Yes, because I just want to end this conversation.
(I’m finding myself eager to exit this conversation. However, my real goal is to get to a better place on this and move forward together. May I share why I feel this way without receiving judgement from you?)
Yes, because you probably won’t verify anyway.
(My data tells me the answer is yes. However, you bring a unique insight to the subject and we would benefit from getting your perspective, and verification of the data. I/we feel this would be a more prudent approach than you accepting the answer is “yes†on our data alone.)
Yes, because I’m afraid of what will happen if the answer is no.
(I’ve got some fear about the meaning of this "yes," and whether I will disappoint you or lose your trust by owning it. My belief is the answer is “yes†but I want to ensure you’re feeling confident about how I got there. Let me know what I can do to back this “yes†up so that you’re comfortable with the conclusion, regardless of whether the right answer is “yes†or “no.â€)
That last alternative, “regardless of whether the right answer is…†epitomizes what we’re all striving for. Irrespective of the content of the conclusions we share, we want to know that the context underneath will remain the same: I’m trusted, people want to collaborate with me, people want to keep me around.
I try to pull my team towards this context of trust regardless of the content by being curious about the motivation behind their yes, especially when it comes fast, or too easily or without data. I try to start those call-outs with an acknowledgment that the colleague and I both care about the business and its collaborative spirit (itself a possible false "yes" assumption...I'll admit to making it to protect my leader-character ego).
My belief is that the verbal grounding in a desire to understand the team member’s motivation to contribute, regardless of the content, improves future trust and clarity.
As for managing my own false "yesses," I try to take a beat before giving a yes to assess where within me it's coming from - does it come from a desire to please or to not disappoint or to impress? If the answer to THOSE questions is yes, then I walk it back and find evidence and full faith in myself to deliver the "yes/no" regardless of the outcome of sharing.
If you've read this far, I'm grateful for your time. If you'd like to share your personal experience on the topic, I bet we'd all benefit from hearing it, so please do!
Mental Health Clinician and CEO | Inclusive Change Expert
5 å¹´Love the sentiment about what we really want - honest, vulnerable connections - and how a false yes takes us further from that; but like with anything, it's those moments of discomfort we have to get through, to get to the good stuff. And it's hard to stay in it!
Strategy for social change | Using the tools of human-centered design to drive impact
5 å¹´Good article Dave. Funny how often we let expectations guide our responses in all sorts of scenarios. I've realized that people will always try to meet their expectations, no matter what they are, so might as well set them high. You could also write a follow up about how "maybe" is the worst answer you can give as a leader!~?
Director of Sales Enablement @ Akamai | Certified Coach & Trainer
5 年This article is great, very well done. It's interesting how our hidden motives -- ?needing to be liked, keeping the peace, wanting to win, etc.. --- show up in different ways when we say yes but mean no. "Yes, because I’m afraid of what will happen if the answer is no" resonates most with me and is where I probably struggle the most. Thanks for the alternative option here - I wrote it down on a sticky :)
Creative. Impact-driven. Entrepreneur | Consultant | Author | TED Speaker | Humorist
5 å¹´Dave?thank you so much for writing and sharing this article! I loved the reframes and suggestions for how we can say "yes, and" be more descript as to what's going on for us. I have started doing this when people ask me to go to an event or hang out and though I want to go and am so grateful I was invited, I am not always able to go, and it used to lead to so much fear of disappointing someone if I said "no". I realized that it's a gift to tell people honestly and that I could do that compassionately -- For example, "Thank you so much for inviting me. Though I'd love to come, unfortunately, I won't be able to make it this time around. Please keep me in mind for future opportunities" was like me saying "yes" I'm interested, and unfortunately, it's not in the cards this time! I think many people could benefit from reading your article and start thinking about times these situations arise and they're saying "yes" without honesty OR even worse, avoiding saying anything at all. Sometimes we fear to say anything unless we have a YES to say, and once we realize that saying "yes" is about acceptance and honesty, it's game-changing!