The Yellow and Black Butterfly: A Story of Loss, Belief and Hope

In college, my friends and I had a sort of catchphrase. We used it whenever one of us felt sad or discouraged…”What number are you?” To which someone would reply, “You’re number one!” The whole tradition started with Jennhead. She had this way of making you feel like you were right where you were supposed to be at all times. When we graduated, she gave me a golden jewelry heart inscribed with “You’re number 1.” For over 25 years it has been one of my most cherished items.

I miss Jennhead. You see, she died suddenly, and it shook me to my core. I will always remember the phone call. After I heard the news, I went outside and just sat there in a daze. I felt hopeless and lost, and amidst my heartbreak for her family and friends, I felt impossibly sorry for myself. I had lost the friend who always believed in me, who told me time and time again that I was important. The world felt small without her. But then, something magical happened. I saw a yellow and black butterfly.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the metaphor of the butterfly. For generations, it’s been a symbol of transformation, transcendence, and new life. For me, though, it’s more than a metaphor. It was real, right there in front of me. I called one of our mutual friends to tell her, and when she went outside (living in an entirely different state), she saw one too… a yellow and black butterfly. 

At Jennhead’s funeral, I watched the same kind of butterfly follow behind her casket. Then, one week later, during mass, a little girl I’d never met gave me a hand-drawn picture of what? You guessed it! A yellow and black butterfly. 

It appeared again and again throughout the years, and not just to me. When my grandmother passed, we found a yellow and black butterfly pin in the pocket of her dress selected for her funeral, and it allowed me to believe there was someone waiting for her on the other side. After Jenn’s husband passed from pancreatic cancer, there were two butterflies at the funeral instead of just the one.

If you look around my website, you’ll find that same butterfly hiding on its pages. I wanted it to appear there like it’s appeared in my life, as homage to Jenn and her legacy of kindness. When I went through my divorce, the butterfly was there. When I wanted to change jobs, the butterfly was there. When I opened myself up to love again, the butterfly was there. Seeing it reminds me to believe in myself and something bigger, and I want it to be there for anyone who comes to me looking for help. 

As we get older, our beliefs transform into something complex, beautiful, and strange. Just like the butterfly is more than a metaphor, “Believe” is more than a mantra. It brings me back to my college days, hearing Jennhead tell us that we’re all number one, and that everything will be OK. She’s saying, “You’re exactly where you’re meant to be.” And I believe her.