A year in review

As 2023 comes to a close, I have wondered about what I have accomplished and if it is worth sharing about…

Bottom line upfront….2023 isn’t one to write home about, certainly not worth putting on a post card to mail out, but my coach said it might be something others relate to…so here goes.

Before I share much, I do want to start by saying, prior to 2020, I weighed my worth in accomplishing things. I kept my professional and personal separate. I wasn’t one put my personal junk into the world, but 2020 onward has taught me, I am the sum of who I am, not just my professional accomplishments, my education and degrees. Blending my personal with professional may have started when George Floyd broke barriers about race, conversations about fringe topics became acceptable to discuss at work. COVID certainly played its part. For me, health became the topic that broke barriers, specifically my husband's illness. His cancer and all the challenges with dealing with it and then his eventual demise. But this isn't about him, but about work, isn't it?

It's about how it changed me and my relationship to work. Between the anxiety, the stress and the absolutely despair that the events brought on, I fell into acute anxiety and severe depression. My personality changed and how I dealt with situations changed. Apathy and the realization that "nothing really matters" resulted in living my life like it is the end of my world. Living like the end of the world. After all, nothing that we do in life really matters. Work doesn't matter. Life doesn't matter. Every action we take is absolutely meaningless and after all, how much of a difference does anything I do really make. After all, when death comes knocking, what can you really do about it.

My health changed. I got sick all the time. It was almost as if every other week, I caught some illness or other. My doctor said there is nothing wrong with me physically, but the grief induced depression caused the physical symptoms.

This was only exasperated by the events at work where decisions were made to outsource. This only increased the feeling of helplessness and lack of agency. The impact to the people seemed secondary. Pithy comments like, "focus on only what you can change", or "this too, shall pass" and "the only thing constant in life is change" were frequently stated. Sure, I was living it. I didn't need people to tell me that. I was already underwater in a deep deep ocean, drowning in a current. What is a little bit more water? I was living VUCA well before the decision to outsource. Did it add to the anxiety? It should have. However, when you're already trampled by a herd of elephants, can you really feel one more?

Work used to be fun and was about challenging assignments and fixing problems. It was about making an impact and knowing I had a part in it. Now, it isn't. Now, everything is a meaningless grind. Routine keeps me going. While the days are easier to bear compared to where I started, I still find myself lost. Without someone to share life with, what is the point of everything? What is work?

I know I do not go through this journey alone. After all, I'm not the first nor will be the last person to experience grief, or the consequences of that grief. It is a club that eventually everyone joins. The deep seated depression, the utter despair and suffocation sometimes is only a comment away. I hope that changes and this is a distant memory.

My coach's advice to me is to chronicle my journey in finding joy - and with that, work will have meaning. I hope she is right. While in 2022, I was shattered; in 2023, I tried to rebuild. It hasn't gone as well as I had hoped. I was still pretty sick most of last week. I hope in 2024, I find joy - the kind that isn't just a facade.

Grief has left an empty hole in my heart. I have no idea if the suffering and pain has meaning. I do not know where I will find joy, but I hope I find something.

In the mean time, what 2020-2023 has taught me is: sincere understanding, empathy and courage for all those that go through journeys like this. It is arduous and every day is a challenge.