A Year Older. A Year Closer. Wisdom From My Older Self.

Its the fear of it that makes me bolder. Its the unavoidable loss of them that makes me humble. The timing is perfect.

1st Jan (01.19 AM)

I tried to find a perfect picture that can encapsulate visually the thoughts running through my mind right now. A photograph that captures the duality of life and death, movement and stillness. A picture that captures hope and despair, light and dark.

And why you might wonder are thoughts so sublime racing across my mind right now?

I assure you it is just the opposite. A feeling of gratitude.

I am so grateful… to be alive. I haven’t really understood why I’m chosen to be put on this wonderful rock. With all its beauty and ugliness, therein lies the essence of my existence.

A year passes by. I know for certain that this time I have spent, 42,048,000 heartbeats have not gone to waste. Or has it? How do I know that it was time well spent? What have I truly put out into the world that satisfies me, if right now were to be my last heartbeat?

Every day I’m running at a constant pace towards my death. The curse I have been blessed with to carry till the end.

“Mors certa,  vita incerta”

A day will come when I won’t be able to feel the warm sun on my face, a cacophony of kids playing outside my window, listening to the wonderful notes of Vivaldi, the sweet pain of missing my family (if I do survive that long), feeling the sand sticking under my feet..

..That day will come. I’m a year closer. And it humbles me.

Time is a liability, not an asset. It must be paid in full, as we have borrowed it.

I feel like I’m am a nobody. The man-made names bestowed by society — an indication of social status — won’t hold any worth below a pile of mud. So what’s the true worth of time that I have left? Might I borrow some wisdom from my older self? I can’t advise my younger self as it's passed and I can’t help him change anything.

But if I were to live long enough and be wise enough to advise me today, through the prism of time, what would they be? Could I still be a better version of, ME?

Perhaps this is a good time not to make resolutions but spend some moments reflecting on the past as there are important lessons, clarity, and insight that can be gained by looking back, thereby helping me look further.

Dear Younger Abi —

My memory isn't what it used to be. I can’t make mental notes of everything I must say. Nevertheless, time is of the essence, here are some thoughts I wish to share. If I sound a bit harsh, well, I’m certain you will forgive me.

I have been hurt. I have hurt them moons ago. I have resented and if I could wish the worst for some people, I would. And so would they. I couldn’t forgive but you must learn to forgive. They are only human. And so are you. Now is not the time to hold any grudges. Let them go. You don’t have the luxury of time for resentment and hatred…

..but do stay away from toxic assets. You don’t have time for shenanigans as well..

Share your knowledge and experiences with anyone willing to listen. Return the favor by giving them the gift of your listening ear. In the end, it wouldn't matter how wrong you are. It wouldn’t matter how right they are. All that matters is we, together, cared to share. In your own small ways, contribute to society. Only that what is shared is passed down generations in one form or the other. Like energy, it cannot be destroyed. It's timeless…

…So is this advice.

Take good care of your health. You might live long enough to feel the warm sun, reminiscing both good times and dumb choices with your closest friends, a heartbreak… and those wonderful moments you shared with people who care about you and you care about. Give yourself, as much as possible, the chance to live healthily. You just might be lucky what life has to offer — before it’s glorious end.

Oh… and don’t forget to pay for health insurance.

Abi — Don’t have any regrets. Be bold. Be courageous. Nothing will last forever — even the bad times. Do face the consequences of your own actions and don’t fear the downside. Harness fear. It will be the ultimate test of your life. And you must pass the test — as beyond the walls of fear lies immense satisfaction. A sense of fulfillment.

Take a leap of faith — and if possible, strap a parachute.

Mediocrity, ego, and laziness will be your downfall. Strive to be better than what you were a year earlier. Conquer your ego and never let it get the better of you. It's not personal. Work hard and focus on things that matter. Remember, success is a journey, not a destination.

Finally, realize that you can’t have it all. There are sacrifices you will have to make, especially if its the right thing to do. True wisdom gained from sacrifices is the wisdom you must seek. The laws of the universe will guide you to endure the pain.

You would have done well. You will have wise stories to tell. In the end, everything will just go swell.

With love,

From your older self

1st Jan (02.19 AM)

I trust we have shared an hour in thoughts together. And I will be judged someday for what I have done — not by you — by a better and wiser man looking in front of the mirror.

A humble bow

Abi.