Year of Firsts

The other day I had a session with my therapist and I'm finding each one unearths another experience, another emotion for me to try and navigate. I revealed to her that day I hadn't thought of my dad. He is always in the recesses of my mind, but between work, school, and home life, the reality of him not being present had escaped me. That didn't sit well with me at all. It made me enraged, and guilty, and I felt I had done him a disservice that day. I know if I would have been the one who passed, he would never forget about me. I would always be at the forefront of his thoughts no matter what!

This is yet another phase, another stage of this journey I know I have to go through. She mentioned perhaps this is my way of accepting his death and that everyone arrives here, differently. Perhaps these are my moments where the pain isn't as heavy and unbearable as before. I'm learning that grief is intricate, evolving, and often feels, upending. She told me to give myself some grace because this is my year of firsts.

When she said that I had to sit in it for a moment. I hadn't thought of it deeply until she brought it to my attention. He passed away on 8/18/23 so yes, this will be my year of firsts. The first year without him within reach. First year of not being able to call or visit. First year of my kids graduating or me graduating and him not being in attendance. A lot of firsts! Too many to try and digest or even accept right now.

I'm wondering if anyone else is in or has been in this stage of grieving/healing or am I alone in this? Are there days where your loved one is at the center of your thoughts and other days, not so much? How does that make you feel and what do you do with all those emotions?

This life is truly a journey of losing and finding ourselves...

With Love,

Gabriel