Year-End Thank You!

(click for podcast) (6:10 min.)

Heading into more holidays this month, and I ?wanted to offer a thank you for the past year. That meant finding something that was as universal and as solvable as possible to share. What I saw as a kind of “root” issue underneath so many others is how we generally interact with ourselves and one another, causing ripples of disharmony. This is something we can improve dramatically.

Some of these ideas may sound familiar, but we don’t always keep things we know top of mind, and we can fall into a less-than-conscious way of being in the world. Our brains are always looking for ways to save energy (our brains use more resources than any other organ) so if something can function using nothing but procedural memory, we go into autopilot.

This can work for us as well as against us, so the deciding factor comes down to conscious intention. We can drive the process. We don’t need to think about how to walk, but it’s a good idea to pay attention to what (or whose toes) we’re about to step on. ?

One of the most common places for us to be a bit autopilot is in our interactions. There are myriad reasons for this from impatience to apathy, but none improve our interactions, and plenty of them cause conflict and even damage. The solution is incredibly simple, although as usual, that doesn’t mean easy. It means doing that rewiring dance that starts with a large helping of Mindfulness right where we got used to fast and easy.

Step one is first recognizing that we rarely “empty our cup” of our preconceptions, biases, and assumptions, and that we absolutely need to do so. We can’t simply think “if it were me, it would mean xyz,” and then operate from that projection, because they aren’t us, and we don’t know what’s in their heart and mind - yet. We need to check in.

What we don’t know yet is how they perceive things, thus how they’re motivated and how they respond. Where one person could be highly motivated to avoid a negative scenario, another person might freeze when presented with that same scenario. Where one person might be motivated by how they’ll be seen by others, another might not care in the least.

Many talk about using fear to motivate, when in fact it only works with some people, and backfires with others. So how do you know when they’re motivated by fear or image or rightness? Ask a lot of questions, and don’t have your own answers in mind; keep that cup empty.

Recognize that our impatience is all about us. It may sound harsh, but we’re being a little selfish. We’re only thinking about our own time. Why are we rushing? Is there really a ticking clock, or have we created a sense of urgency in our own mind? If we give the gift of taking a few extra minutes to really understand someone from the inside out, we could save hours, days, even weeks, not having to “fix” interactions that went off the rails. The more we look at the “we,” rather than the “I” or the “them,” the easier it is to connect.

See how they feel about things going wrong. Some fear it, and some embrace the learning. Are they all about following the rules or making them, or breaking them? Are they people-pleasing because they want everyone to be happy or because they want to be liked?

A safety-minded person is less impressed with the? status of a vehicle, and an image-minded person is less impressed with the safety of it. These may seem like small things, but they completely change how we motivate and interact.

There are so many cues we can pick up on, when we know what to look for and listen for. What’s fantastic is that this isn’t a chore. It’s really fun when we look at it as a game. That’s what’s kept me immersed in this process and study for over 3 decades. I love helping people untangle interactions and get them back on track. So my end of the year message to you is be your best, and thank you for any opportunity to help. Happy Holidays, whatever ones you celebrate, and Happy New Year in advance!