Xylox’s Guide to Voting (or Vaporizing)

In a sleek, cloaked spaceship disguised as a comet, a super spy alien named Xylox from the planet Octet observed Earth with a mix of curiosity and disdain. Her mission was simple: infiltrate, observe the human election, and decide if Earth was worth sparing or should be zapped into cosmic dust. The Octet High Council was upset—humanity's constant noise was interfering with their intergalactic podcasts, and they took that sh*t seriously.?

Xylox, a master of disguise, transformed herself into the most inconspicuous form she could think of—a middle-aged man in a business suit with an "I Voted" sticker. Her research indicated this would render her nearly invisible during the election frenzy.?

When she landed in Arizona (she enjoyed the heat), Xylox blended in effortlessly. She stood in line at a polling station, silently scanning voters' minds. Xylox was baffled by the strange human ritual of choosing leaders based on loud arguments and colorful signs, saying completely inaccurate things, and then globally broadcasting them.?

“Democracy,” she muttered to herself, “seems to involve much screeching and yelling.” She felt a deep ache in her body that was similar to a human migraine, only multiplied by the fire of a thousand suns.?

As Xylox listened, she learned that humans were deeply divided over issues like the economy, healthcare, being able to kill anyone or anything they wanted, and whether pineapple belonged on pizza. She made notes on what looked like an iPhone: "Humans appear to base some life-altering decisions on snack preferences and memes. Fascinating."

At a local diner, Xylox sat next to a group of voters passionately debating the merits of their chosen candidates. She leaned in, trying to decode the complexities of Earth politics.

“I’m voting for the one who promises to send us all a check,” said one, sucking down organic, ethically sourced coffee with oat milk and coconut sugar.

“Well, I’m voting for the one who said he’d make space great again,” countered another, attacking their breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, cheese, bread, and lard with vigor.??

Xylox raised an eyebrow (which she didn’t have in real life—hair made no sense). How rude. Space is already great. What could this human possibly mean? Also, oat milk? Honestly, everyone knows that coffee goes best with Moo-Tant? tentacle milk!

“Excuse me,” Xylox interjected, her man's voice tone flat. "What is your leader’s plan to stop comets and other such planetary weapons from destroying your planet and the race you call human?”

The group stared at her, baffled.

“Is that on the ballot?” one asked, flipping through a pamphlet. “I must’ve missed it.”

Xylox sighed internally. These creatures were exhausting and, frankly, had too many annoying thoughts. Her decision was becoming more apparent by the “human time” second.

She wandered to a park where activists held signs like “The End is Here” (because they didn’t know how to spell ‘nigh’) and “Change or Bust!” Xylox found a bench, sat awkwardly down, ate an Arizona Sonoran hot dog, and pondered the Earthlings’ knack for catchy slogans and doom-filled prophecies.?

As the sun set and the polling stations closed, Xylox transmitted her findings back to the Octet.

“Council, humans are a chaotic species, easily upset, and prone to making important decisions based on minimal information and maximum emotion. They are disorganized and noisy, and believe in the power of creatures called X and TikTok? And headlines, streaming video, and people called influencers who make money on telling them what to do.”

The High Council of Octet deliberated for a moment before responding.?

“And your recommendation, Xylox?”

She paused, then sent her final report.?

“We do not need to destroy Earth. They are doing a fine job on their own. I suggest we monitor their progress for entertainment purposes. I propose a new show: ‘Earth: The Ultimate Reality Disaster.’ It will be a popular hit across multiple galaxies and definitely kick that 'Quasar Quench' series planet ass.”

The Council’s laughter echoed through the transmission (which sounded like a million dolphins). “Excellent work, Xylox. Return home. We shall proceed with the pilot episode.”

As she slipped out of her man suit, she shot away from Earth, still disguised as a comet. Xylox glanced back at the tiny blue dot that would be completely brown soon due to the dramatic effects of global warming. She had to admit that Earth was a mess, but it was the most entertaining and beautiful mess in the universe. Maybe she’d tune in to the next election cycle. Or perhaps come back, run for Earth Leader, and win.

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Here's some music! Also, VOTE!