The X-Factor: BIG UP YUSELF!

“Dear Summer Body. How are you? I hope you are fine. I’m writing to let you know that we won’t be seeing each other this year. Unfortunately, I have been on a See Food diet since late March, so when I See Food, I eat it. All of it, repeatedly. I’d like you to know that I think we had fun last year and I can’t wait for the day when we get to hang out again. Yours sincerely, Bigga.” I suppose a large proportion of us can relate to this type of primary school letter to ourselves. Truth is, our bodies probably needed the pit stop; a chance to just let go of our hang ups and waistlines, and just hit the reset button on most everything we’d habitually do. It takes a high level of discipline to stay active under home confinement, even for those who had exercise and other more fun workout alternatives as part of their weekly routines. Without something other than Netflix and social media to occupy the usual productive hours of the day, one tends to get bored easily, and the absence of work invites the presence of not only binge-watching but binge eating as well. A snack here, a slice there and some sugary drinks to wash it down all while diligently leasing space on the couch or bed. It all adds up and it’s simple math really; caloric intake > caloric burn x low physical activity = Bigga. 

Cancelled: Summer 

No Frenchmen, weekly parties, blockbuster movies, Carnival, Sumfest or DREAM weekend. And ‘Tan Ah Yuh Yaad’ means no trips to farrin either. Instead we have online mix sessions on Instagram and Facebook. Yeahhh. Not really. Right now lots of folks have learned the art of music selection since if they didn’t learn how to entertain themselves, dog nyam dem suppah. They would drive each other crazy in those tight quarters with the same people day-in day-out with hardly a break to do anything away from them, and no plausible alibi to get away for a minute or 180 (i.e. 3 hours). Imagine what interaction between the sexes will be like when outside start keep again. The new party paradigm. Boy sees girl and thinks he likes her. After all, body look alright considering badmine Corona, outfit on point considering no recent Fashionova purchases and her mask is colour-coordinated. She likes him, she thinks. I mean, she can’t see his face really, but again, he’s in decent shape, doesn’t dress like a country bumpkin and yes, the Adidas mask matches his new Adidas kicks. Here we go. He walks over, nodding to the music, she turns towards him, body language welcoming him up to 6 feet. He then proceeds to reach into his pocket, for his phone presumably but instead comes out with a thermometer and proceeds to check her temperature and squeeze Purel hand sanitizer into her hand middle. Now that the unpleasantries are out the way, they both remove their, phones from they kept places and proceed to show and share contact details. After connecting via WhatsApp, he asks her for a one dance, to which she replies ‘Sure, ok’, and he assumes the stereotypical and COVID-19 compliant one dance position behind her and they proceed to groove, move and text to the latest Buju Banton chune. After a few drinks and some more ‘conversation’, they part ways thanking each other for a nice night and hopes of connecting, and actually getting to see what each other looks like. Maybe at the end, they both shift their masks to show their faces before parting. Aww, how romantic! 

Having Guts

I’ve always heard the frankly cheesy quip about men needing to have guts in hard times. It’s supposed to justify having a big beer belly in a lighthearted manner. Well, it ain’t cheesy no more, even if those extra cheese pizzas and parmesan chicken dinners added a bit more girth to the mirth. Man, I never thought the day would come when terms like ‘living off your own fat’ would have a literal meaning. But then again, who can afford to be splurging on fast food and delicacies? We can, that’s who. Seriously, KFC and Burger King lines never looked longer than they do now, and to some extent that’s understandable. I mean, who wants to slave over a stove every single day and night. Not me, you? Didn’t think so. At least back in the day (that’s 3 months ago) we would dine out, somewhere, anywhere - just as long as it wasn’t home. Logic would suggest that having less disposable income would cause us to band our bellies and buy and consume food that can stretch; meaning we can eat from it more than one time, unlike the one and done purchases we make outta road. But hey, in typical Jamaican fashion we be like, “hear mi nuh man. Life short and if this ting aggo kill mi, might as well me go out happy yaah man.” Straight bredda, inna real life! Granted, we can’t just throw caution to the wind and go on silly spending sprees just because. When all the philosophizing and justifying is digested and expunged from our minds and bodies, the reality is, this thing right here, is for the long haul and not months, years. So, securing basic human needs over the next 12 to 18 months is everybody’s priority - from government to businesses to households. It’s going to be rough, but that’s why we have guts.

Big and Strong

As usual, Jamaicans never waste a good crisis. The usual suspects like deno_crazy and majahhype keep us cracking up and preeing some everyday and topical subjects on social media. Don’t know what some of us would do without IG and FB in these times. Naturally, Jamaican men being the lyrical wizards we are also take advantage of the opportunity to create and present some innovative new pick-up or just plain complimentary lines for the fairer sex. Take for example, “my girl, look like Corona gree wid yuh, yuh just fat up and look trong and healthy so.” Now, there are very few women I know who like to be referred to as fat. There are specific attributes that some refer to in that manner, but that’s another story. To our credit, a large contingent of Jamaican men seem to prefer their women with, how do we say, a little meat on their bones. More on the fluffy than the skinny side. Still, this is common assault for most any woman who traverses even from her office to the parking lot much less those who brave the streets and byways of our fair country. In these times when sexual harassment is topical and both genders have to be cognizant of what constitutes harassment and its ramifications, men who would normally try to hold her hand or say certain often lewd things in public will now have to think twice about how they interact with the fairer sex. Stay deh, some women need the lessons too. I digress. It just means that if in fact you want to impress or get her favourable attention, then maybe being mannerly and respectful while being creatively endearing or witty is a safer, higher percentage option. Just a thought. Big up all healthy body, strong minded, resilient, ever sexy and trendy Jamaican woman! B+ Email comments to [email protected]