Writing this made me feel sick

My relationship ended in 2019.

Completely out of the blue.

I didn’t expect it, I didn’t have any warning and even he couldn’t explain why he’d made the decision.

My confidence plummeted in an instant.

The confidence I'd been working on creating for the past 9 years.

I sobbed into my mums lap for hours: I can’t do this again.

After what I’d been through at 21, I couldn’t face dealing with the pain of heartache all over again.

Old patterns of self doubt returned with a vengeance + I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.

I questioned everything.

Every decision in my business.

Every decision in my personal life.

I judged myself so fucking hard.

Every time something happened, I blamed myself.

When a post I shared in a group got deleted, I thought the owner (my coach) had it in for me. She didn't.

When a client ended their agreement early due to personal circumstances, I convinced myself it was all my fault. It wasn't.

When I went to group therapy and was told that the way I manage my anxiety is wrong and that I should be doing things differently, I felt like a failure and a fool for sharing my story in the group. I'm not.

Looking in the mirror, I hated what was staring back at me. After years of working on loving my body, I despised it. I couldn't bear to look at myself.

Doubting every decision, blaming myself for everything and feeling so disgusting in my own skin made it hard to show up in my business.

After months of increased momentum, of signing new clients, of building my audience, of stepping up as a leader, I felt like I'd fallen down fifty flights of stairs, back to the beginning.

I didn't want to be on video.

I didn't want to do stories.

I didn't want to post photos of myself.

I didn't want to talk about insignificant things like pricing your services + signing clients when all I could think about was how much pain I was in.

The less I showed up, the more I criticised myself for not making the effort.

What a shitty business owner, letting my personal life get in the way of business.

The week before the breakup, I'd signed 5 new clients & if it wasn't for them, I can't promise my business would still be here at all.

The few hours a day I worked with them on their business was an escape + I did a pretty good job of masking my hurt from them, to the point I'm not even sure they knew about the breakup at all.

In between client work, I'd sob over my keyboard, the screen blurry from all the tears.

As my work day ended, I'd spiral into a pit of negativity, sadness, hurt, anger, overwhelm, pain & confusion.

So. Much. Confusion.

When he said it was over, the first words that came out of my mouth to my mum were: "I can't do this again. I can't get through this."

Hiding amongst the sadness was a tiny little voice, barely audible, saying "You can Rebecca, you know you can".

Amongst the negative voices, the criticism of my body, the brutal self-judgement, I searched for that tiny little voice.

Every time my mean girl told me I was fat, ugly, disgusting, I'd focus on finding that voice.

Every time my imposter told me my clients were disappointed with me, I listened with all my might to the whisper telling me I was awesome.

Every time the negative nora said I wasn't good enough, I strained my ears, searching for the quiet one telling me I am always good enough.

It was always there.

Sometimes I chose to ignore it, opting to throw myself a pity party with my duvet + the Sex and the City boxset for comfort.

Other days I wiped away the tears, picked myself up and tuned into what it was saying.

You can do this.

You are strong.

Nothing is your fault.

This isn't about you.

Look at what you've achieved.

You will get through this.

You are beautiful.

You are confident.

You are powerful.

As I stopped to listen to the voice, it started to become louder.

As the weeks went by, the pain was no longer constant.

The point of me sharing this with you: We can overcome any obstacle, no matter how unexpected.

At an event the other week, one of the speakers said this: "Without pain, how would we know what happiness feels like?"

The situations that challenge us the most are the ones we learn from and the ones we grow stronger from.

You may be doubting yourself right now, judging yourself, lacking self confidence but that doesn't have to be the way forever.

You have the ability to trust yourself, love yourself and be confident in yourself again.

Just because you faced a setback - and that doesn't have to have been a big setback - doesn't mean it's game over forever.

You are a strong, beautiful, powerful woman and you can achieve anything you set your mind to. Never forget that.