Woundology - Holding Us Back From Embracing Change and Growth

'Script for Mrs White', I called out in my 'I don't know anybody here, but one of you must be Mrs White' voice.

I was a locum in a pharmacy - a locum is somebody who comes in to look after the pharmacy whilst the owner or manager is away, or a qualified staff member has time off and their qualification needs to be temporarily filled in. It involves quick thinking for the new and foreign systems that need to be adapted to and the ability to quickly identify the quirks of the regular customers.

Mrs White came forward and I handed over her meds. As I was new she told me they were for her migraines. (Being a beta blocker, they had a range of indications). I asked her how her migraines were getting on after being on these meds for such a long time.

Well, the flood gates opened and she soon had a sympathetic audience listening to her awful story of regular immobilisation most weeks, unable to move, have the curtains open and vomiting regularly. A horrid story indeed. Certainly limiting in what she can do with her life.

I asked her if she would be interested in looking at alternative therapies - I had been studying many of them myself for my own unceasing questions I had around health. I had also gathered together a list of great practitioners - from acupuncture, to homeopathy and kinesiology and naturopathy, and was always giving out names and numbers of these people. All in the bid to achieve greater health, when many people seemed to be stuck at their level of ill health.

Mrs White went very quiet and got a panicked look on her face. She stuttered that she would see how this month's worth of tablets would go and then definitely consider it and turned and (all I can describe it as) fled.

Woundology is a term that Caroline Myss, speaks of in the very first section of her book 'Why People Don't Heal and How They Can'. She describes that a wound - be it a physical illness or an experience - has a 'street' value, a social currency. And the value of the problem is greater than what the actual problem is. She states that the wound can also be manipulative, causing others to behave in certain ways around them or say/not say certain things. It is a form of 'scapegoatedness' and blame.

A health wound or emotional experience can indeed, become the basis for close social connection and support groups are wonderful support for sharing that can free some people and lift them up beyond their problem. That is great and even a positive purpose for the wound unless that wound and the resulting attention is addictive and effort in life can go to getting the attention they need in order to stay in this loop of stuckness.

Years ago I was at a Step class at the gym. We were 20 minutes into a high intensity group workout and I was feeling on top of the world, when my calf muscle 'blew out'. It was intense pain and took all I could to leave the class and get to the car. A trip to a physio the next day and I was on crutches. The following Saturday morning I was supporting my son at his soccer game and hobbled over the field on the crutches. Wow! People were so sympathetic. Suddenly they were giving up chairs for me, offering to go and buy me coffee and anything else I may have needed. They were fascinated at how I came to be so incapacitated.

I remember a flicker of 'I could get used to this' before feeling horrified that I needed a pair of crutches to receive such care. That was how secondary gain sneaks in. It was a lovely, warm and caring feeling directed towards me and I basked in it. But just for the weekend.

In Neuro Linguistic Programming this is termed as the secondary gain. Every time a client wants something to change, we must look at what they will have to give up and it can be the trickiest part as this secondary gain is usually unconscious.

*Grass allergies - I will have to start mowing the lawns myself; *Dog allergies - I will have to say 'No' to the kids about getting one; *Depression - I like it that I am supported and that I don't have to work; *Being traumatised means I won't have to go through that again - common in childbirth; *Getting rid of the crutches - I will have to get my own coffee! (The lady with the dog allergy - the process didn't work as we hadn't identified the real secondary gain. So after looking at that part again and ways to deal with how she would tell the kids 'No', the process went very smoothly and now the family dog sits all of their friends dogs when they go away, instead of owning one. No allergies and happy family).

When there is more value in having the problem than the solution!

Physical and emotional wounds are the same and some are seen and some are invisible and we are all advised against picking the scab, rather, subtly accepting that the person has it. But does having a wound give us a reason to be unreasonable, to demand certain behaviours of others, to be able to blame the condition rather than the person. It is the reason for reason for leniency in crime.

I realised at that moment that if Mrs White didn't suffer from her migraines ...... what would she have? Who would she be? Her illness was her very identity. She was identified as a suffering migraine with the name of Mrs White. She would have had to have given up too much as she had invested so much time and effort into her illness. Her discomfort gave her comfort. She actually received a positive result from the 'poormeism' and the pity party. There was no way she was interested in finding her health. But she didn't actually know this. It was unconscious.

So many of us are walking around nursing and nurturing our wounds, when it would be so much better to be free of the wound and living a more empowered and compassionate life - physically and emotionally. This means stepping up and taking responsibility, being brave and embracing change and wow is your life better for it.

NB: We all have wounds and oftentimes the wound is not a conscious one. There is always a benefit to carrying a wound and the part that wants to nurture that wound is doing it for various purposes - often protections and safety and connection of you to others, maybe old beliefs that in order to be successful one must suffer, or maybe to avoid addressing emotional or physical needs. However if the wound becomes too much or you feel that something is holding you back, maybe your health is suffering we can have a look at this. The part of you that needs to hold on is welcome, as is the part of you that wants to let go. Change can be embraced.

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