Would you confront a bully?

I seem to have embarked on a series of pieces on negative workplace traits. This was not by design but I hope you agree that the issues are worth discussion. Previously I put some thoughts on apathy down and now I have moved on to bullying. 

The above may seem a stupid question as I have never met anyone who thinks that bullying is good thing. However, finding bullying antisocial and unacceptable and actually confronting a bully are two very different things. You may want the bullying, whether of yourself or of someone else, to cease, but standing up and confronting the bully can be too big a step for many to take.

Bullying at school is unpleasant and I do not condone it in any way nor belittle it, but in this piece I want to look at workplace bullying. The school stereotype of the larger kid bullying the smaller ones is not reflective of the workplace. As adults we are expected to deal with awkward situations ourselves. The phrases “man up” or “deal with it” are often heard when someone mentions a problem at work. I stand 6’1”, am a former rugby player, confident and willing to stand up for myself, and I have been the target of a bully. I have heard of men and women bullying others of the same and opposite gender. I have heard of age acting against youth and vice versa. I have seen bullies act against people a foot taller than them. It is a mental process rather than a physical process in most cases, and thus harder to deal with. We are not all confident enough to take on all challenges, but not confronting bullying is, to my mind, not an option. Ignoring bullying, hiding it as “just banter” or just telling people to sort it amongst themselves are all unacceptable. It may be a tough ask to confront a bully, but consider how much tougher it is to be bullied and not have any help.   

The words of Edmund Burke, the Eighteenth Century MP, Statesman and Philosopher, are about as pertinent as you could find;

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”

And

“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little”

Bullies target those who they believe will not fight back. Bullying behaviour in the workplace, especially from someone senior to you, which is sadly not uncommon, can take many forms. There are more obvious things like sending you to get coffees when you are not the junior person; leaving you out of team meetings; openly shouting at you; taking your ideas as their own and taking credit for them, etc but some other behaviours might not seem like bullying at first, but if they are part of a pattern, then they most certainly are.

-        Intrusion on privacy. Emails and/or texts or even phone calls after work hours, sometimes demanding immediate responses 

-       Questioning of competency. Eg, “I would get them to do it, but I’m not sure they are up to it” or “I gave the project to them because I didn’t think you were right for it”

-       Undermining your work. At meetings or in passing comments such as “They were late again with that report” or “ there were so many errors in their report that I had to get …. To rewrite it”

-       Spreading Rumours. Eg “I’m not sure if …. has problems at home” or “Their work has dropped off recently, I cannot trust them any more”

-       Verbally abusing in front of or in earshot of others. Eg “That last piece of work was substandard and it isn’t the only time that this has happened, you need to improve” or “You are letting the team down”, “Was that really your best work? A first year intern could have done better”  

Bullies like an audience and like to demonstrate their “superiority”. It can thus be very uncomfortable not only for the person being bullied, but also for any others present. It is hard to confront a bully, but harder still to be on the receiving end. If the person being bullied is clearly not fit or willing to stand up for themselves, then please examine your conscience and step in. After all, you could become the next target.

Confrontation is a tough ask and confronting someone who has exhibited bullying behaviour can be potentially both courageous and dangerous but the alternative to confronting bullying is to let a toxic workplace culture fester and thrive. Direct open confrontation, ie in public, is probably not the best option. Bullies like an audience because they can demonstrate how “right” they are and how “wrong” their victim is, so a more private chat is advised. Do not fall into the trap of flying solo though, a witness or third party is a must, otherwise the descent into “he said she said” arguments are almost inevitable.

When confronting a bully, you must be calm, factual, as confident as you can be and build your case on what you can control, ie company policy, situations that have been witnessed etc. Basically take away as much room for manoeuvre for the bully as you can. It is likely that you will initially become an additional target for the bully because you have had the audacity to challenge them and their version of reality, but your witness/third party should be able to counter any of the more fanciful accusations that arise and, once you have shown yourself to be someone willing to challenge the bullying behaviour it is likely that they will back off, at the very least temporarily. Reminding them of the workplace policies and acceptable behaviours can remedy their actions, but I would also warn them that further instances of bullying will not be tolerated and action up to and including dismissal could be the result.

For an individual to take these steps to address a bully is brave, but not addressing the situation will only lead to greater problems. If there is an HR Department, then use it to report the bullying. If that does not resolve the situation, there are Unions and Ombudsmen and even the Law available to take further, more serious action against the bully. But hopefully it would not come to that.

Bullying and bullies should never be tolerated or ignored. The damage they can do to the individual they target, both mentally and in physical health, is unacceptable, but the damage they can do to the bottom line of a business is also significant.

If you feel uncomfortable in reporting a bully or bullying when you see it, think how much worse it is for the person being bullied. If you are the victim, there is no justification for someone else to make your life a misery. You have the right to enjoy being at work and to be left alone to do your job. Bullies may be doing it because they have issues or problems that they don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with themselves, but that is no excuse for bullying others and by reporting it or confronting them you could be helping them get the help that they need.

If this post has interested you, made you think or has made you more aware of something, then please feel free to connect to me on Linked In (linkedin.com/in/david-peace-careerscoach). I do not have instant solutions to such problems, but a community of people who are aware of issues means that those issues are more likely to be addressed.

David Peace