Worth the Wait

As a child, one of the greatest anticipated days was Christmas. The season’s excitement rose up above the other times of the year that were buried under confusion and shame. The fondest memory of Christmas Day was homemade ice cream. My Grandma Davis would have fresh cream in her refrigerator and my dad would bring up the hand operated ice cream maker from the cellar. We needed ice and was my brothers and I that went out into the winter’s cold and chipped off chunks of ice that formed around the cattle’s water trough near the barn. My youngest cousin was tasked each year with putting salt on the ice around the outside of the steel container that would eventually be filled with ice cream. All the cousins would take turns turning the crank on top of the bucket but eventually each of us would lose interest and my dad and uncle would be left to finish. Only my youngest cousin remained sitting on the kitchen floor slowly putting the salt onto the ice. Crank, crank, crank the sound could be heard from the kitchen as my dad and uncle continued taking turns turning the wooden handle attached to the metal arm of this magical ice cream making machine. 

“It’s ready” came the words from my cousin as she ran into living room with her bowl of ice cream, most of it covering her face.  There were some privileges that came with her patience. She was always the first and usually had the biggest bowl of ice cream. For the rest of us it was like someone had yelled “Fire”. We flew over the top of the chairs and the sofa and tried to push our way to the front of the line that formed at the kitchen table. My mom and aunt had already dished up some of the bowls that sat on the table and the first to reach the table had their choice of the fullest bowl. Being the youngest meant I usually was at the back of the line waiting and wondering if there would be any left for me by the time I reached the kitchen table. Finally, my time would come, and I would stand in front of my mom like Oliver Twist in the orphanage and reach out my hands for my bowl of ice cream. I would stand there with my spoon in hand and take my first bite. Just as I had remembered it from last year. All I could tell myself was that it certainly was worth the wait. 

“Dad, I have a lump on the back of my leg that I found when I was stretching at the gym” my twenty-three-year-old son Jacob told me as we were cleaning up from dinner. “Let me see, where is it” I asked him, and he pulled his leg into his chest and there under his right leg was a lump. I suggested to him, “If it bothers you, you should go get it looked at by a doctor.” Jacob had just moved to Del Mar in July, so he didn’t have a doctor yet, so I gave him my doctor’s name and number and he called him the next day. He told me that Dr. Dominguez wasn’t seeing any new patients, but Jacob said, “When I told him that I had a lump and that I am concerned that it might be cancer, he got me in right away. I am seeing him this Friday.” I was sure that Dr. Dominguez would explain it away as a fatty tissue and that this would all be settled by the weekend. However, I couldn’t help hearing the cranking sound as it began to turn on the “what if’s”. 

On Friday, Jacob came over for dinner. He had seen the doctor and the conversation at dinner turned quickly to the feedback he had received. Jacob started to explain, “The doctor is concerned that it could be soft tissue Sarcoma. He felt the lump and he told me that it felt too hard and solid to be fatty tissue. He ordered an ultrasound for next Friday morning. If the pictures show it to be transparent then I’m fine, it is only fatty tissue.” My daughter Olivia quickly grabbed her phone and started researching. She is fascinated by anything medical and wants to be a surgeon. She starts to explain to all of us that “soft tissue Sarcoma is a tumor that can be either benign or cancerous. Also, Jacob did the doctor tell you how rare this type of cancer is for adults?” Jacob only stared at her because he had already spent a great deal of time after he left the doctor’s office researching as well. 

We moved from the patio into the house and sat in the family room further discussing the lump that now is beginning to sound more like a tumor. Eventually Jacob had himself in a bad place as he started looking at the glass half empty. Olivia could sense that Jacob was going there and sat down on the couch and started researching again. “Jacob, wait Jacob I found what it is. It says here that you have Hypo-Chon-Dria, a rare disease that makes you believe you are always sick.” We all started laughing and Jacob grabbed her and began tickling her. Later that evening I called my wife who was back in Minnesota with her family. I told her the news and what Olivia had said and we both laughed. My wife’s father was ill and at that moment she could not take any more negative news, so she just told me that “I cannot go there right now. I am just too tired to think about it.” 

Friday came and Jacob went in for the ultrasound and called me once he left the office. I could tell from his voice the news was not good. “Dad, it is not fatty tissue. The lady that did the ultrasound showed me the tumor and explained to me that it was solid and had a distinct rim”, Jacob told me. “Ok what else did she tell you, could she tell if it is contained or has it spread” I asked Jacob. “She could not tell from the ultrasound, she thought I would need an MRI, but she said I would have to talk to my doctor” Jacob responded. “Well then it is too early to tell what it is Jacob; everything will be ok” I tried to console him, but it wasn’t working. “Dad when I left the office, the technician gave me a big hug, like the kind of hug that said that it wasn’t good.” Jacob shared with me. My mind went blank I didn’t have anything to say back this time. “Why would anyone do that”, was all I could think but it didn’t matter the damaged had been done.  I could hear another call coming in, it was my wife. Her flight was scheduled to leave in ten minutes. “Jacob hold on its your mom” I explained. I clicked over to Barb and she was in tears. “I missed my flight, I thought I was supposed to leave at 1:00 and I am still at the hospital with my dad” Barb cried out. What do I do? I don’t want to tell her about Jacob, but I can’t leave him hanging on the other line. “Barb, you are going to have to go to the airport and rebook the flight, I’m sorry I am on the other line right now.” I hung up and clicked back to Jacob. “Ok just come home let’s talk, I love you Jacob and everything will work out.” I texted a friend of mine who was a cancer survivor and Jacob’s boss. “Jacob has a tumor”. I waited and seconds later the bubble appeared on the screen. Her response was simple but spot on to what I needed to hear. Three words appeared on my screen, “Breath, just breath.” My mind began to work, I could feel myself grabbing the metal arm, crank.

Jacob was already at home when I got there, and I walked up to him and we just hugged. “Hey, have you eaten anything yet this morning” I asked him. He shook his head “No” so I suggested we go have A?ai in Solana Beach. As we drove, I tried to talk about almost anything other than the ultrasound. “Your sisters believe that this A?ai is the best in San Diego” I told Jacob. He was quick to tell me that Northside Shack was the best, but he will wait till after he tried Pure Bowl this morning to cast his final vote. We sat outside and I started to ask Jacob some more questions. “Were you crying or upset when you were talking to the technician this morning before she hugged you” I asked him. “No dad, I swear all I was doing was talking to her and asking questions about the scan. She even let me take these pictures of the tumor.” I looked at them and asked Jacob to send them to me. Moments later I got the beep on my phone and I looked closely at the images. “It looks like from the images the tumor is about 5 centimeters long and 3 centimeters wide, is that right” I asked Jacob. “Yeah she said it was oblong and was deep in the tissue in my leg” Jacob responded. I tried to change the tone and the topic of the conversation as we got back into the car.

Later, I sent the pictures from the ultrasound to a friend of mine who knows one of the top radiologists in Los Angeles. Thirty minutes later he pasted the response into a text. “He needs an MRI with and without contrast... followed by a biopsy... it’s a deep tumor... unlikely to be a lymphoma probably a Sarcoma ... the hope for it to be benign (not cancerous) if it’s a Desmond tumor. Sorry if it’s not something you can relate to but that’s the best way I can explain it." This was confirmation that we were on the right path to discovery. It also confirmed the initial diagnosis, Sarcoma.

On the way back to the house the doctor called. I watched for some type of emotion from Jacob as he listened to the doctor; nothing. Jacob finished the call and told me that he is scheduled for an MRI next Wednesday in Marietta, an hour and half drive from Del Mar. “That is the earliest they can get me in. If I wait for an MRI around here it will be two weeks.” Jacob told me. So now we wait for five days while I try not to grab hold of the thoughts that wonder through my mind. I called our doctor back and we talked through things and he shared with me “Tim, the wait will be more difficult than the outcome. It is the process you now have to go through”. I can hear the cranking sound in my head as it grows louder, doubt starts to form.

Wednesday finally arrived and my wife Jacob and I drove the ninety miles to his MRI. We knew that we would not learn anything today, but we wanted to be there together. The MRI took an hour and half. Every time the door opened into the reception area, we expected it to be Jacob. Finally, he came out and Barb gave him a hug and we got back into the car to and drove home. We stopped, ate lunch and laughed as we shared stories of Jacob when he was young and for a moment everything felt normal, until the next day. 

The next morning, the doctor called Jacob and shared with him the results of the MRI. Jacob called me and I drove over to talk with him. “Dr. Dominguez called in a referral for me to see a surgeon at UCSD oncology. I have already called their office and I am waiting for them to call me back.” Jacob told me. He shared with me that Dr. Dominguez did not like what he saw in the MRI and it was now time for the next step in the process. “He really didn’t have much more to say other than the tumor is very deep and attached to the tendon.” Jacob added. I hugged him and told him “I believe in a God that is bigger than cancer, I believed you will be healed.” “Thanks dad” was Jacob’s response, he said it because he knew that it was what I wanted to hear not because he believed me. As the daylight hours began to fade, I called Dr. Dominguez and he said “Tim I am not going lie to you, it’s not great news. The tumor is deep and it’s large and it’s solid. Jacob needs a biopsy. UCSD has an oncologist that specializes in Sarcoma tumors. If you don’t hear back from them by end of day tomorrow, call me.” Crank, the sound began again, crank. This time it echoed inside my soul.

The next twenty fours Jacob was transferred from one department to another with no one taking responsibility of getting a date for the consultation with the surgeon. Jacob left five messages but never heard back from anyone.  I finally called Dr. Dominguez late Friday to ask him for his help, but he had left for the day. “Please give him this message. Jacob is getting the run around; can you please just call in the biopsy.” I asked his assistant. She promised she would call him. So, we spent the weekend not knowing when we would meet the surgeon nor when Jacob would have his biopsy. “How long?” This question went through my head and I remembered what the doctor had told me last week. “The waiting will be more difficult than the outcome”. 

Monday morning my cell phone rang, I looked, and it was before 7:00 a.m. “Hi Tim, this is Dr. Dominguez, what happened last week?” He asked. I explained to him the challenges Jacob had run into and he apologized. He said, “Ok, let me text a friend of mine and see if she can see him this week, hold on.” I waited and moments later he came back on the phone and said, “Alright I am sure she will get back to me today. She is an oncologist with Scripps MD Anderson.” I shared with him that one of my neighbors works at Scripps and recommended over the weekend that I call MD Anderson Cancer Center. “Well there you go it was meant to be” Dr. Dominguez replied. “Hold on, she’s is texting me back right now.” So, I waited, as he read through her text. “She can see Jacob this Thursday. I will take care of getting all his files sent over to her today just have Jacob call her office this morning to confirm 9:40 this Thursday. And Tim remember what I told you, the process of waiting will be difficult, just stay positive.” I thanked him for stepping up and helping our family and Jacob. “Tim, this is what I do, I would want the same for my child, I get it. You never have to thank me for doing my job.” Dr. Dominguez replied and then he hung up and for a brief moment I felt some level of peace knowing that we had the consultation set up with the oncologist.

Throughout the week, I received calls of encouragement. One friend of mine texted or called me each day and his message was always the same, “Jacob is healed.” He believed that by speaking in terms of what has already been done for us we call on the angels of healing and they will already predetermine Jacob’s outcome. My mom called and shared with me that her bible group was praying for healing. I corrected her and told her that my friend Michael had asked that we pray in thanksgiving because Jacob had already been healed.

During the week, my mind drew back to Sunday’s sermon. The pastor spoke of the many miracles of Christ and that we tend to only recognize the physical needs of those that were healed. The pastor then went through many different stories of healing and each time the spiritual need was addressed before the physical need. The pastor shared that “Christ is much more interested in our spiritual needs and sometimes we need to look beyond the physical need and search for the spiritual need.” Could all of this be true for my son? Jacob told me over a couple months ago that he was indifferent in his faith. Now as my friend Michael reminded me every day that “Jacob is healed”, I realize that maybe I had been focused only on my son’s physical needs. Could Jacob’s real need be spiritual?

We road over Thursday morning to Scripps MD Anderson Cancer Center. We checked in and then went in an exam room and waited for the oncologist. My wife tried to be positive and sat next to Jacob reassuring him that everything would be fine. The oncologist finally came into the room. She greeted each of us and then turned her focus to the results of the MRI, first the compare then the contrast. Then she layered the two images on top of each other and stared at the screen. Finally, she turned to us and said, “I think it is a myxoma tumor”. I still wasn’t sure if what emotion we should show. “What does that exactly mean?” I asked her. She said, “A benign tumor, but we still need to do a biopsy to rule out cancer completely.” She then explained how tumors are the result of abnormal cell splits. The whole thing was fascinating, but the most important part of the visit came when she asked if she could dictate her notes in the room. I said “Sure” and she spent five minutes speaking back her findings. I left the room feeling confident that she would not have sat in front of us dictating her notes if she felt that the tumor was cancerous.

She told us the next steps would be the biopsy. “Can we do the biopsy today or tomorrow,” I asked. She explained that the insurance would first have to approve the biopsy first, then she can call the order in and then the radiology would call Jacob to schedule the biopsy. “Also, the findings are not immediate, with a myxoma tumor it can take up to ten days before we get the results” the doctor told us. A week passed and the doctor’s office finally called Jacob. The insurance approval process had taken longer than expected and he would not be able to get in till the following Thursday. Two weeks after our meeting with the oncologist he would finally have the biopsy, ten days later we would know if the tumor was cancer or benign.

I cannot lie to you that the cranking sound of doubt and uncertainty still plays in my head especially in the silence of the middle of the night. But I have learned so many things during this time of waiting. I have learned that my role in my family is to be the cornerstone, the strength that they can depend on. And when I am that rock, my wife loves me even more for it. Also, I have learned that my network of family and friends is my strength and in this time of crisis they have been there for me. But the most important lesson I have learned is what Oswald Chambers describes when he wrote, “God engineers circumstances to see what we will do. Will we be the children of or Father in heaven, or will we go back again to the meaner, common-sense attitude? Will we stake all and stand true to Him?” I have drawn closer to the Lord and grown to trust in Him and believe that He is first concerned about the spiritual needs of my family then their physical needs. I know in two weeks when my son gets the phone call from the oncologist, I will stand before my Father with my bowl out and He will pour out His blessings on my family as Jacob tells us, “I am healed!” I will look back over the last two months and realize that it certainly has been worth the wait.