Is It Worth It?

“Always remember that to argue, and win, is to break down the reality of the person you are arguing against. It is painful to lose your reality, so be kind, even if you are right.”

~ Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki

What does it mean to be “right”? The dictionary defines the word in a number of ways. As an adjective it means morally good, justified, or acceptable (e.g., that was the right action to take). As a noun it’s defined as that which is morally correct, just, or honorable (e.g., he had every right to be angry). Unfortunately, neither of these definitions actually answers the question of meaning.

A meaningful definition of “right” is: “Any action or any thing that behaves or is present in a manner that is consistent with my beliefs.” This is an operational/functional definition of the word and it is one that leaders need to pay particular attention to. Everyone wants to be right…I have never met anyone that likes the experience of being wrong. Even though I can rationalize the experience by looking for the lesson in the experience the feeling associated with being wrong is something almost everyone prefers to avoid. Being wrong violates my sense of how reality should be constructed, it violates my values and what I value and, most importantly, it will always create resistance. The need to be and to feel right is one of the most powerful drivers you will encounter in a relationship.? It’s so powerful in fact that most people would rather be right than get what they say that they want. As a simple example of this imagine a recent disagreement you had with your significant other. It’s likely that what you say you want is a loving, nurturing and respectful relationship with this person. Now review that disagreement in light of this want. Chances are very high that continuing to argue for the rightness of your position compromised your ability to achieve that want. This happen all the time.

Far too often the focus is on being right. We end up arguing to “win” versus to understand. The challenge for leaders is to remain focused on what they want. In so doing, the need to be right about how something is done, about how someone should behave or think, about preferences of any kind will begin to be less dominant. This shift in focus is a very powerful way to continuously connect with and vet what you say are your most sacred values. It is also a way to keep others connected to you and your outcomes. Co-creating coordinated movement is an exercise in manifesting a shared and valued reality. It is the opposite of invalidating another’s reality.

This week become aware of how strongly the need to be right informs your thinking and behavior. What’s more important…being right or having what you say you want?

To master anything, we must first master ourselves—our emotions, our thoughts, our actions. In times of uncertainty and disorder, self-discipline and self-mastery are not just essential but are your competitive advantage.

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