Our secrets

Paul Tournier said “Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets”.

Those moments when we felt more like Fredo Corleone than Michael Corleone. Fredo was played by Cazale, half Irish, half Italian who at one time was in a relationship with Meryl Streep (in the Deer Hunter she played a Vietnam draftee’s newlywed in a Greek marriage).

In real life, Streep stood up for Cazale so he could finish out his production contract. With cancer – unplanned but manageable - he came across on screen as ill-suited for Nam ( hence missing out on those Russian roulette wagers, a script originally pitched for Vegas).

Also appeared in Syney Lumet's Dog Day Afternoon, Godfather 1 & 2, the Conversation and the Deer Hunter, Cazale was made for second-fiddle role. Our water boy.

Like in a Jim Croce’s line “every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong “ he just couldn’t quite defend himself, physically or verbally (he froze during the shoot-out, cold-sweated with gun to the side).

Subdued and weak ( swirling around on a tiny moped in Gene Hackman's sound lab - the Conversation).

Chris Cuomo of CNN was furious when called out as “Fredo”. DJT was also mentioned in the same breath when he grandstanded ( the Divider pg 137). Reality-TV delusion.

When I turned one, my siblings were already in college: my chores for change. Why not ! Someone had to off-load my busy mom.

I know what’s it like to have my Fredo moments. I once was in tears at a friend’s father’s funeral – fellow Penn Stater's surprise. Perhaps I used the occasion to mourn for my own loss (my father was left behind in Vietnam for a good decade) while my friend’s Dad "wasted good wine" in America.

Other time, a TV producer talked shop jokingly to have me cover the melt-down live at Three-Mile-Island (an intern was supposed to be expandable = like that sound man in The China Syndrome, incidentally had been released just a few weeks earlier). When my brother got married again: “Your turn to take care of Mom” (family first). But, but….(no “but”).

It’s settled – by the new Godfather (that) Fredo does Vegas. Spined off to outer orbit, first try at self-determination and seduced by a sense of belonging (to an indulgent and decadent sub-group - his new “family”- out West ).

Fredo, our outer most electron, experienced “de-individuation” (that stripping process that molds a neglected household member into a cult member, a bi-pedalist follows herd instincts).

Strong men are quite magnetic. After all, they are “anointed”. Othering = weakling. We, on the other hand, are made great, pre/destined for bigger dreams. F*** the fear (foul language was intended to shake loosed old ethics and stoke base instincts).

“No one listens until and unless we take up arms.” “Shoot ‘m. (Thailand toddlers at a day-care ). Rape them, rob them (Thai pirates on Boat People). Results? record-high gun deaths. Killing as a way to get noticed and be immortalized.

This is for all lonely people On lonely planet and On-line world: faster connection, fewer commitment. Attention-starved. Hi-tech hi-touch. Before the internet, it's existential. After the internet, it's exponentially existential ( myriad others - just popped up per data match- always seemed to get along better - albeit photo-shopped).

Sharing petabytes of personal data on My Space and Meta, Twitter and Tik Tok. Netflix and next post. Don’t ever call me “Fredo”. It’s the “n-equivalent”. He who dies with the most "likes" wins.

When I am weak, I am strong. "Strong" Saul-turned-"weak" Paul – a 180-degrees conversion– from "righteous kill" to “love is kind”. No wonder those of a lower caste empathize more - for the meek will inherit the Earth. Beggar shows beggar where bread crumps are.

While "Genius", forsaking their stewardship, tend to exploit and extract, from Mother Nature and others - even in the name of Manifest Destiny - for personal gain.

Cazale was in four films. We (I) don’t often think of him as an Oscar-winner (Best Supporting Actor) or Meryl Streep’s boyfriend. Always a second-fiddle, he was hardly invited on stage for Ovation.

We want Robert De Niro who returned and saved his fallen friends. Rambo-like in Honorable Exit (or a banker who saved 113 Vietnamese). Yet, our uniform-clad hero hunter had his sudden “Fredo” moment, just like us (when he hid out of sight in the back seat of an airport taxi, skipping his own Welcome- Home party out of shame - the spirit of the times then was "Johnson , how many babies you kill today").

At the closing scene of The Deer Hunter, our decorated veteran got a deer in his crosshair, but then, on second thought: enough killing already! (My Lai and all).

Let Catavina track fade in - early 70’s on any Pittsburgh hillside. The feel and the fear of being viewed as weak and dim-witted, the Fredos in us – and after THE END, freeze-frame those outtakes showing him getting slapped around, tossing empty lunch boxes at each other - most wear Blue-Collar caps. Every day is Graduation Day at the School of Steel.

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.