The World wants you to Live

As part of a campaign caled #Openminds, LinkedIn are promoting the idea of members (that’s us) sharing their experiences with Mental Illness, as a way of showing that it's normal to discuss your Mental Fitness as much as talk about challenges to your Mental Health. This will help the next person who has a real challenge to know they are not alone, they are not different or weird, and they can survive.

I wrote this article 2 weeks ago and have struggled with posting it as I was embarrased about my experience, and I was scared that people in my professional sphere would judge me, or think I'm damaged goods. Then I caught up last week with Gus Worland from Gotcha4Life, he talked about the importance and value for us if we share our experiences

So here’s my story which I have never shared publicly before.

?I grew up in an extraordinarily happy upper middle class family, I was loved by my family and I loved them in return. I went to a school that was an amazing environment to learn in, my fellow students were kind and supportive (Mostly, it was the 70's & 80's after all). I found out later there was some sexual abuse going on in that school and at least one or two of my fellow students were almost destroyed by that, a few students never made it into full adulthood because they took their own lives, I don't know why.

Although I lost my mother to Cancer when I was 23, I was lucky in life generally and became a parent in my mid twenties, unfortunately my relationship with my first wife broke down as we were both so immature and we both made mistakes everyday. I felt sad for almost the first time in my life and I came to realise that losing a relationship involved a form of grieving. Engaging with a Psychologist was the most valuable lesson I learnt from that experience, it showed me clearly how to deal with emotion, good and bad and it also allowed me to start to develop self love, something I would say a Catholic upbringing in the 70’s & 80’s didn’t promote. I had certainly followed my Irish heritage in developing a very healthy drinking habit to deal with life generally.

Apart from losing my mother, which actually felt like a relatively normal experience, something we all have to go through one day, I’d found my way through my thirties with little more than a little sadness about my relationship, losing a parent and the guilt that maybe I hadn’t provided the best life for my two children. What I had also developed by my mid-thirties was the tools to manage my thoughts and trust myself – that was extraordinarily powerful. I went onto find love again and my life was looking up, personally and professionally.

Then the Universe punched me in the guts. As I stood on the side of the road in Stanmore in Sept 2010, I felt sorry for the young Policewoman who had to tell me my 18 year old son Alex was dead. I felt sorry for the train driver who was the last person to see him alive, and I even felt sorry for the passengers who were still sitting quietly on the train looking down at the scene of utter tragedy playing out below them on the roadway next to the tracks. A father, a mother and a sister all dealing with the loss of their beautiful son and brother. Alex had taken his own life on the railway line right next to his mothers house, and I had arrived not knowing what had happened, just that something had happened.?????

I still believe I am lucky that I managed to get through to my forties before having to face a real tragedy, greif and the depression that followed. As my greif developed into depression, the words “Black Dog” or “Black Cloud” suddenly made sense to me, my eyeline changed, dropping by 15 degrees, my shoulders stooped and I didn’t see hilarity in everything I saw previously – up until that point I could laugh at literally anything, I was always the life of the party. It was like life slowed down and some days I literally slowed down when walking through crowds, I used to stride about town with my long legs, carving a path through crowds. I was the slow one now as crowds moved around me like water around rocks. I saw things everywhere that reminded me of my son, shapes in the shadows & clouds. For the first time in my life I was truly sad, and depression was with me as a constant companion.

Something I took several years to realise was that Depression had also robbed me of some of my confidence. Maybe I had too much confidence to start with, but I had started doubting myself, in my professional as well as my personal life. Late one night I admitted this to a good friend and he said "I know we've all noticed it...", it was like a light switch, I realised I need to do something or at least be concious of how my brain was working.

?Depression is still with me today and will always be with me, you simply can’t lose a child and ever go back to being who you were beforehand. How I have learnt to deal with it though, comes from working with other people including being lucky to have a loving wife and family around me as well as professionals – in person and online. I see those very first interactions with a Psychologist when my first marriage broke down, as an invaluable lesson - it is possible to deal with crisis’s in your life by talking to someone, particularly a professional.

?I think everyone’s journey to understand their own mind and how to better manage their mental fitness is different for each person. We all face challenges but they vary for each person, even a skinny kid from Turramurra who was happy and loved and given every opportunity to succeed, will have to deal with a punch to the guts one day. The lessons I have taken from my own experience which I believe are Universal include the following: ???

?·??????Don’t be frightened of addressing your Mental Health & Fitness – drinking to excess is a great way to put everything on hold, but then you simply need to deal with your thoughts, but with a hangover.

·??????The cost of seeing a Professional – Psychologist for example – is by far and away the best value for money exercise you can ever undertake. The ROI outstrips, Gyms, Clothes, Holidays, Drugs/Alcohol, Trinkets by many many times over. Today you can get a minimum of 12 sessions a year heavily subsided under Medicare

·??????Don’t judge people because they recognise their own challenge and choose to deal with it, that might include talking about their Mental Health challenges. Judge people on their actions and especially on their willingness to support others.

·??????Helping others is a great way of helping yourself. Interestingly the Catholic guilt some of us suffer from includes the guilt of feeling good for being generous and kind. If you have a friend or family member who needs your time – give it up, even if it’s not convenient (especially if it’s not convenient). That friend you haven’t heard from ? Call them, catch up for a coffee or a drink, let them know you are listening. There are some people who will abuse this, that’s life. If you are lucky to have happy friends and family – join a Charity, don’t just throw money at it, actually put your time in, you will learn many life lessons, regardless of your age.

·??????Learn to like yourself. This is a must, everyone has redeeming features, yes even you. Unfortunately we all have someone in our lives, maybe no longer, who will tell you what’s wrong with you. Their voice feeds the internal voice we all have, the self doubt and fear that only we can expunge. Its ok to spend a little time regularly thinking about what you’ve done right in your life and then how you can do it again.

?Combine those last two points and tell your friends what’s good about them. In 2022 no one is going to make fun of you (too much) for telling a friend you love them, or what you like about them, and ask them to keep doing it.

?This is a Business forum so let me relate this back to Business.

?In my career as a Partner Manager, I often ask prospective partners about their failures and learnings from those experiences. I put a heavy weighting on experience, both personally and professionally. Mental Health challenges are just like that – they are simply experiences that we learn from. I’m a much better husband and father today than I was in the 1990’s.

?I hope someone reading this finds some value in it. Maybe you face a challenge or maybe you’ve suddenly realised what someone else is going through and how you can support them.??

?Lastly, remember you are loved, possibly by people you don’t even know. Whatever is going on around you right now is passing, the world wants you to stay in it, the world wants you to thrive.?