World Mental Health Day: My Long Journey with Anxiety Management

I originally wrote this article for an internal newsletter to help advocate for World Mental Health Day on 10th October. Given the strong encouraging feedback I received internally at my company, I figured that other people may find value in my story.

Note that I am not a mental health professional and the comments below are based on my own experiences; you should always consult a mental health professional (ie: doctor, therapist, psychologist, etc.) for your specific needs.

And thank you to the few folks that gave me feedback on this - you know who you are and I appreciate you!

Hi, I’m Zack. I'd likely be posting a link about some update about ad tech here on LinkedIn, but today I’m sharing my experience of living with generalized anxiety.

Mental health can be scary and overwhelming to talk about, but my hope is that after reading this article, I can provide a sense of comfort to those who are dealing with new or ongoing management of generalized anxiety.

Before I share my story, here are three key things to keep in mind:

1. If any of the emotions and feelings I talk about resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. Millions of people across the globe live with generalized anxiety and have happy, healthy lives.
2. You might feel scared: If you recently have been diagnosed or feel that you’re experiencing generalized anxiety and panic disorder for the first time, it might feel overwhelming & you’re losing a sense of reality. These can be scary emotions, but there are ways to manage anxiety & learn about your triggers.
3. You have resources: in the UK (ie: NHS) and online, we’re living in an age today where we have a ton of tools and support groups

Nobody should have to go through the tears, self-inflicted shame and embarrassment that I (spoiler alert) previously endured when my anxiety disorder arose in high school. 

Now that we have these out of the way, let’s take a trip back to 2007 in Mendota Heights, Minnesota (bonus points to anyone living in London who can point that out on a map).I’ll start by introducing you to high-school Zack:

High School – When My Generalized Anxiety Started

As a teenager, I embodied the archetype of an American kid who excelled at school, had a ton of quality friends, and was a leader within many student orgs & sports. At the time, I felt that everything I did was in order within my life. Anxiety and panic disorder were foreign to me, as I had never experienced the emotional and physical tolls that these disorders can have on someone…that was, however, until spring 2007 rolled around.

Here’s a photo to paint a picture:

In the US, many students take Advanced Placement tests at the end of the school year to gain free credits for university/college. Being the self-described shining star that I was, I studied for five different tests for quite a few months. For most teenagers, the relief of finishing a long set of these tests would spark an immense sense of freedom and joy while setting off a few months of carefree life before University started.

But for me, it was the opposite: my panic attacks and anxiety flared up when I knew that my tests would finish.

For those who aren’t familiar with panic attacks, here’s the best way to describe them: fear and worry do not shut off in your brain, and when you try to stop them from happening, your body responds by pumping adrenaline through you like you’ve just run a marathon. You might get so sucked into the physical feelings that you feel like you’re having a heart attack, and occasionally, you simply pass out.

If you were to ask me when I felt that something was “off,” I would spit off the exact moment when I thought I was losing my mind: in my friend’s basement on a Friday night, I was thinking about the future when a rush of numbness flooded my body, similar to when your feet fall asleep. What was more traumatic, however, were the intense sensations with my thoughts and emotions.

To me, it felt as though I was disconnected from reality and watching a movie; when I spoke, my brain made me think that my voice was slightly off-beat from when I was talking; all of my words were quite airy.

That night, I did not tell my friends what was wrong – likely because I had no idea what the hell was wrong. Ironically, I have a picture from that night. As you can see below, I masked my true fear by putting a smile on my face:

You’d have no idea looking at the photo, but I asked a friend to drive me home that night because I felt as though I would not remember how to get back to my own house. Afterward, time went by and I just brushed off the experience like something weird had happened – maybe I was tired from school, maybe I had not eaten enough.

But, a few weeks later, the feelings resurfaced; this time around, I was in the middle of my job as a teaching assistant for primary school students at my local synagogue. I can still feel the emotions like they were yesterday – a rush of numbness, followed by a feeling of disassociation, worry and the feeling that I was going nuts.

I believe that this happened one or two more times before I finally told my parents. In the perfect Hollywood movie world, I would have sat them down and told them what was up. In reality, I broke down bawling in the middle of dinner, telling my parents that I felt as if I was going insane and my life was spiraling out of control without any reason. Imagine a scene in a romantic movie where someone gets dumped, then amplify the tears tenfold – that was me.

My parents took me to my GP and we discussed a game-plan. As the first order of business, I started seeing a therapist about once every two weeks, and we had an initial onboarding session so he could get a baseline understanding of my life, thoughts and any acute, clear issues. After quite a few sessions, we mutually decided that I should go on an SSRI in conjunction with my therapy to help me overcome the anxiety issues during the transition period to University.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, known as “SSRIs”, are classification of medications that help the body modify the amount of serotonin within the brain. The drugs - such as Zoloft, Lexapro or Prozac – are used for different mental health conditions such as depression, OCD, PTSD, etc. and, in my case, generalized anxiety.

It took about a year before I was in a very good place - in my world, everything was about the anxiety. I lived in fear of telling my friends because I thought that they would not understand or would judge me. Luckily, with each incremental person I told about my challenges, I found they were very compassionate and willing to help.

The Long Road Ahead

Let’s flash forward to 2017. Ten years have gone by, and I was thriving after moving to the UK in 2016. Day to day, I rarely thought about my anxiety. Instead, I was doing well in my job, I had great new friends and I was enjoying the pleasure of European travel.

Towards the end of 2017, however, I started to spiral again. Living abroad caught up with me and I started to process that I was not living a vacation – my entire life was in a different country, away from my family and best friends.

Panic started popping up with my sleep. Typically, I sleep like a rock and hit my pillow snoozing within five min. Towards the end of 2017, there were some nights where I would get one to two hours of sleep because I was in a perpetual cycle thinking that my lack of sleep would cause me to perform poorly at my job, which would then keep me up at night. Note that this was nowhere as bad as 10 years prior, but something was wrong and I knew I needed to fix it.

In 2018, I restarted therapy with a psychologist to dig deeper into some of the issues that cause me to have periods where my anxiety goes up. For me personally, transitions (ie: moving, finishing a gigantic project or changing a role) and the fear that I will not be able to control some elements of my life (ie: my health) flair up my generalized anxiety.

How I Live a Happy, Rewarding life with Generalized Anxiety

Wisdom comes with age, and I’m happy to say that while I manage my anxiety, I do not let it manage me.

With time, I’ve learned that certain factors, including getting proper sleep, limiting alcohol, exercising regularly and eating a healthy diet, influence my wellbeing heavily. When I let any of these things slip, I run the risk of having an increased level of anxiety & know that it could, potentially, lead to a panic attack. By actively managing these variables, I've actually developed some positive hobbies like running and baking (ie: me running a half marathon in Geneva last year as seen in the cover photo), which has made me a better person.

Every so often, I still have a day where I feel a bit off; however, I now have the skills and tools to mostly accept it and move on, knowing that everything will be fine even if the anxiety is not gone from my life. I have not had a panic attack for quite a few years, in part, to my anxiety management skills.

My day to day management, along with seeing a therapist, has made me a much better version of myself where I continually embrace my generalized anxiety vs. running from it. About two years ago, I started telling co-workers that I consistently visit a therapist - to my shock, they responded with admiration and curiosity. I’m at a point now where I have no shame in telling others and will often bring up my therapist and my generalized anxiety in any conversation without hesitation.

Eventually, this led me to help with my company's mental health awareness team & become a certified Mental Health First Aider. What I’ve found is that when I support others and empathize with their mental health issues, I feel a sense of value and happiness.

Empathizing For Those Who Feel Off

For folks who are reading this and resonate with the fear and panic that I referenced during my time in high school, there are a few things I’d like to share. Again, keep in mind that I'm not a trained professional, so these are just my personal thoughts.

First and foremost, if you think that something is off, tell someone. Whether it’s a family member, friend, close co-worker or doctor, I believe this is a necessary first step. Society still casts a shadow over mental health conversations even though 1 in 4 adults in the UK faces some form of depression or anxiety. If 25 percent of people reading this article suffer, statistically speaking, then why are we not talking about it? The stigma is so frustrating to me & can be difficult to process at times given that the UK has so many resources to provide support.

The hardest part, in my opinion, is telling someone for the first time; talking with a person about your mental health is like opening Pandora’s box because once you say that you have an issue, it’s acknowledged by others in the real world and not just in your head.

Secondly, know that you might go through ups and downs when starting a treatment plan, but think about the long-term journey. If I had a time machine, I’d tell 2007 Zack that in a few short years, he’ll be at a point where he has the perspective and the strength to crack self-deprecating jokes about his anxiety, instead of being controlled by it.

If you have any questions related to generalized anxiety as well as resources, here are some good resources in the UK to visit:

• "Can I get free therapy or counselling?", NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/
• Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk/
• Mental Health Foundation: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/
• Young Minds (for youth and young adults): https://youngminds.org.uk/
• Rethink: https://www.rethink.org/
• CALM: https://www.thecalmzone.net/