World Mental Health Day - My dog dying was the final straw

World Mental Health Day - October 10

My dog dying was the final straw.

My Mental Health lived experience after major life trauma is not what anyone expected. But it’s very real and very positive.   My second mental health lived experience is the one that surprised me but still had a brilliant outcome.

I'm a retired police officer who was shot 14 times in less than 5 seconds with a high-powered rifle. I was lying on the ground with massive injuries for three-hours before rescue. I lost so much blood that even my vision closed down and I saw the ‘white light’ often associated with the end of life.

I was obviously close to death at this point. I had been fighting hard for my life for the entire three hours but when my vision closed down, I started fighting even harder.

The medical retrieval doctor was with me 15 minutes later. When I reached him, he estimated I was just thirty seconds from death and later said, “I don’t know how he survived, he’s an incredible human being” … “I don’t know why his heart didn’t stop completely; the textbooks all say it should have but he obviously hadn’t read the textbooks.”

Within five days of the shooting, from my hospital bed, I insisted on speaking to a ‘psych’. The obvious expectation of doctors, psychologists, work executives, family and friends was that once therapy started, I would be in therapy for decades.  However, I had a different agenda for the meeting.

I knew there was a good possibility the shooting may give me nightmares, flashbacks, depression or PTSD. I knew other people had had these challenges after lesser trauma and there's no reason to believe that it couldn’t happen to me. I also knew psychiatrists and psychologist have insights into how people have managed massive trauma well or managed it badly. All I wanted to do was pick the brains of the psych about what 'might' happen to me and if it did, what is the best way to manage it so I had the best chance of an optimal outcome.

Within three months of the shooting, I met with world-renowned post-disaster trauma psychiatrist, Dr Alexander (Sandy) McFarlane. We spoke for about three hours. Questions, answers, discussion went backwards and forwards from us both. I was laughing during the session and really quite enjoyed it. At the conclusion, he diagnosed that I had zero depression or PTSD and he would never need to see me again unless I thought it necessary.

After physically and psychologically surviving the shooting I thought I could handle anything and didn’t see the signs that in reflection were so obvious. Sometimes it’s the little things that can sneak up on us, chip away at our mental health and cause us the greatest challenges.

Three years after the shooting my dog died, and I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD.  My doctors my depression and PTSD had nothing to do with the shooting. My dog dying was just the final straw in a recent series of seemingly 'little' events by comparison to the seeming 'enormity' of the shooting.

For R U OK? Day, 2019, Naval Group Australia invited me to share my mental health lived experience with their staff. My core message was, "Monitor the little things because they sometimes become the biggest challenges".

My aim is for people to be more aware and responsive to what’s happening within themselves. Life will always have some sub-optimal times – the death of a family member or pet, a relationship doesn’t work, an investment goes sour, someone hits our car, we make a bad decision, we do something embarrassing, we get shot or metaphorically take a bullet at work or a million other things. The most important thing is to understand that intermittent sub-optimal is normal and acceptable. However, if that experience or emotion continues too long, has too much effect on other parts of our life or is happening for the wrong reasons; we need to act and act quickly to reverse it.

For years, I’ve been speaking at conferences, seminars and workshops about my story of the shooting and the value of resilience; the ability to bounce back after sub-optimal performance, mistakes, breakages or catastrophes. Recently I developed a new philosophy I call Human Durability. Human Durability is the ability to sustain optimal performance.

Optimal performance is the very best you can do in the circumstances you find yourself in. This includes in our family life, love life, business life, sporting life, community life, spiritual life and any other aspect of life.

The University of South Australia’s School of Psychology sees the difference between resilience and Human Durability is so significant that they have collaborated with me in research.

The Human Durability philosophy, model and processes help good performers to be great but also help people who are struggling to improve themselves too.

In relation to mental health; the Human Durability philosophy relates to building mental fitness, agility and strength.

I believe there are five key areas of life to monitor for optimal mental health. If we monitor and merely recognise changes in them, assess whether the changes are positive or negative and respond appropriately as soon as we see the change, we may recognise and respond to the early signs of mental health challenges and have great outcomes in the same way I did.

My presentation to Naval Group Australia started by describing the experience of the fourteen bullets hitting my body and the trauma I experienced while waiting three hours to be rescued. Some moments were quite emotional, some had them on the edge of their seats with anticipation and some moments had them cracking up laughing.

Surviving the fourteen bullets and the three hours waiting for rescue was every bit the physical battle one might imagine. I was managing the injuries, managing my blood flow, controlling my breathing and more. I was dealing with pain while constantly trying to monitor where the offender was in case he came out to shoot me again. The most important thing I did was manage the state of my mind - my attitude, my mindset, my panic.

The one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world and the one thing that kept me fighting for my life for that three hours was just wanting to get back to my children and interact with my children.  I accepted that, with injuries I had, I may interact with them from a wheelchair but that was OK.  Wanting to get back to my four children was all I needed to keep me fighting for my life.

As I discussed earlier, one visit to psychiatrist, Sandy McFarlane, three months after the shooting and I was psychologically cleared to return to full duties with the SA Police STAR Group.

The physical battle to return to work was next. There was just as much professional doubt about whether I could ever build up the fitness and strength return to police work and then to the levels of counter-terrorist operative, sniper, recovery diver, high-risk arrests, VIP protection, and more. Doctors predicted that I would have trouble merely walking properly, let alone everything else I needed to do in STAR Group.

It was a two-and-a-half-year roller coaster ride of pushing and testing myself to get back to fit. My initial aim, the bottom line and ultimate driving force, was just to have as good a life as possible with my children. Anything more than that would just be icing on the cake and returning to STAR Group would be a complete dream come true.

Even in the early stages of recovery, I was happy just to be alive and if that’s all I achieved then I would still be very happy. But I did also have my eye on the dream of returning to STAR Group on full duties.  I knew it was always little steps first though.

I managed to get back to having a good life with my children after about 12 months even though I was still struggling to move properly or do anything major. However, what I had achieved gave me a taste of success and a glimmer of hope. I started looking toward the next big challenges. I started getting back to basic sport and then back to some basic work skills. There were successes and failures in merely walking, success and failures in the gym, successes and failures in dexterity and fine motor skills, test and trails in work environments and lots more tests and trials in every area of performance.

Fortunately, and as a result of consistent great advice from a brilliant physio and hard work on my part, there were more successes than there were failures.

I always expected there would be a lot of testing to show I was good enough to return to STAR Group; that didn’t upset or phase me. It was intense testing and I really quite enjoyed the intensity – that what STAR Group was all about, intense and demanding work. However, when I had passed the tests, there was another lot of test to pass. Then another. They seemed to be relentless and draining.

Despite the struggle to prove myself, two-and-a-half years after the shooting, I finally made a triumphant return to STAR Group on full duties - no restrictions. I was elated.  This was a true triumph over adversity, and I should be celebrating.  I certainly had a couple of enthusiastic mates who took me out for drinks and celebrations, but it actually just seemed a little hollow for me.

At the same time, other circumstances in my life were changing for the worse.  I recognised them but I didn’t recognise how they were affecting me.

We all change to some degree after major life events. Some changes will be negative but there is also Post Traumatic Growth which is very positive. I don’t believe I changed negatively, as a person, after the shooting and this is supported by Professor McFarlane and, much later, the Police psychologist.  However, I did assess my marriage as being quite mediocre. It wasn’t terrible but it certainly wasn’t what a positive, supportive, loving marriage should be.

My wife and I worked at trying to save the marriage but were unsuccessful. 2 years and 10 days after the shooting, before I returned to STAR Group, I left the marriage, moved out of the family home and essentially moved away from my children. My now ex-wife always gave me full and unfettered access to our children. She was still wonderful in that way. However, I still couldn't be with my children 24/7. When they weren’t at my house, I couldn't check on them in the middle of the night if they had a bad dream, I wasn't playing games with them after school, they weren’t cooking with me and all the other things parents and children do together.

These were the children I thought of when I was lying on the ground and fought so hard just to be with.

When I moved out, my faithful Rottweiler dog came with me. He was already 13 years old.  He and I lived together, and he was my only company, the only ‘person’ I was talking too, and then he died of old age.  His death wasn't unexpected, but it was definitely devastating.

Around the same time, it seemed that some of my managers were encouraging and supportive of my efforts to return to STAR Group.  However, in reality, it felt like they were putting up roadblocks instead (maybe my expectations were too high). As I said, the testing to return to STAR Group was almost relentless. I didn’t understand what was happening, but everything was getting tougher and lonelier.

My life had started to spiral downwards in ways I didn't recognise. Despite a massive success of returning to STAR Group, I lacked enthusiasm at work and with friends, I wasn't sleeping well, my standards of personal hygiene dropped, I wasn't eating properly and more. I was fortunate that I eventually noticed the negative changes and knew I didn't like them. I thought I was lacking enthusiasm and energy merely because I was lacking appropriate nutrition due to not eating well.

12 months after leaving my marriage and 6 months after returning to STAR Group, I went to the local doctor to insist on a blood test so I could 'fix my lack of nutrition'. The doctor diagnosed me as having mild depression and PTSD.

However, the mild depression and PTSD was not caused by the shooting, the injuries, the rehab or returning to what can be described as the most physically, mentally and emotionally challenging work environment you can imagine. I revelled in that environment and couldn’t be more positive about wanting to perform at my best.  The work and my workmates were the most positive thing in my life at that time and they weren’t causing me stress.

It turned out that my mild depression and PTSD were caused by the series of seemingly 'little' matters by comparison to the seeming 'enormity' of shooting. But as the old cliché says, it's sometimes the little things that cause the greatest challenges.  These seemingly little matters included; not being with my children 24/7, bursting into tears when they drove away after a visit, only shallow connections with people outside of work, struggling with understanding management attitudes, lack of feeling I was achieving anything worthwhile, lack of a major future goal and a few more. My dog dying seemed to be the final straw that really hurt me.

Despite discussions I had with Professor McFarlane, three months after the shooting about knowing the signs of depression and PTSD, I didn't recognise them now. It may have been that I was so run down and depressed that I didn’t have the energy or care factor to do a deeper analysis of my behaviours.

I was very fortunate though, to realise my current behaviours and habits were different from the behaviours and habits of the person I liked to be.  I was determined to work out why.  Due to my lack of energy and ability for deep analysis, the first thing I thought of was a lack of nutrition and I didn't bother to think any further. When I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with mild depression and PTSD. It was massively deflating to a proud and strong man.  I sank in my chair in disbelief.  How could this be?

It took only a few seconds, literally a few seconds, and I sat back up in my chair and looked at the doctor and said, “OK, how do we deal with this?”  I sought the opinion of an expert to solve my lack of energy and enthusiasm and he had given me an answer.  It was not the answer I wanted but it only took me those few seconds to realise he was perfectly right.

It all fell into place and I knew the person who could manage it was me.  I definitely needed the advice of experts like the doctor but it was me who needed to accept my position and manage/deal with it.

I did everything the doctor told me to do, to the letter. I had been diagnosed with mild depression so, to me, that meant I had caught the depression early and before it became a major challenge.  I didn’t try to fight or deny the diagnosis. I embraced it, as much as one can embrace depression, because it gave me an understanding of what had changed in my life.  Now that I could understand it, now that I could name it, I could proactively deal with it. The doctor had given me a plan.

One month later I went back to the same doctor.  I did feel better.  I was more relaxed, had my old spring back in my step and the smile on my face.  I had been proactive during that month.  I didn’t think the depression was gone, I was just keen to find out what I had to do next to manage the depression and PTSD.

I completed the testing for depression and PTSD again.  I was transparent in my all answers because I wanted to know exactly what was happening with me.  The doctor determined that the symptoms of depression and PTSD had passed. We then sat and discussed my post-depression future.

My future was bright, and my life was back on track.

I can now identify five key things we should monitor as a basis for continued good mental health. This is not an exhaustive list. I would readily refer you to the Mental Health First Aid Manual (Third edition, Kitchener, Jorm and Kelly) or any other reliable text as the certainly identify many more things to be aware of.

However, these are the Big 5 for me.

1. Healthy Connections - we need to maintain close and meaningful connections with family, friends, work, sport, community etc. Surface or cursory connections are not good enough. We need to be able to have someone we can confide in and we need to have a sense of purpose in our work or our community. My dog was never as good as a real person to get real feedback from. Having my pet was invaluable but we need real people and real connections.
2. Sleep - We need consistent good sleeping patterns. For me, it needs to be more than six-and-a-half hours a night. A single night or a couple of nights bad sleep is not something to get too concerned about. However, I was having five nights of falling asleep in front of the TV and avoiding going to bed. I was sometimes getting just three to four hours sleep. I'd then have one or two nights of seven to eight hours sleep due to exhaustion and back to falling asleep in front of the TV again.
3. Exercise – some people don’t enjoy exercise because they tend to think that it needs to be intense.  I see exercise as essentially just moving outside of the normal day to day activity. This can be going for a walk around the neighbourhood, going for a slow bike ride, throwing the ball with the kids, kicking a footy with a mate or shooting a few goals at netball. It doesn't have to be intense exercise. A little exercise becomes a little reward of its own and there are heaps of chemical and emotional rewards from even just a little exercise.  I definitely like intense exercise for myself but that merely reflects my baseline fitness regime prior to being diagnosed with a mental health challenge.
4. Healthy Eating And Drinking - We need to have the right nutrition for our body and our mind to operate optimally. Don't get me wrong, I love a little chocolate, some junk food at times and a glass of wine but I definitely keep it all balanced with fresh fruit and veggies too. This doesn't have to be an obsessive focus on health but when we look at the balance of good food and junk food, there definitely needs to be more good food and lots of water.
5. Enthusiasm and Mood - I know what my level of energy and enthusiasm has been throughout my life. I know what my regular mood is like too. We all intuitively know these things. We also all know how we would like to interact with the people around us. When our enthusiasm and mood change, it's 'rarely' the other peoples' fault. So, when the low energy, enthusiasm and negative mood becomes a regular way of interacting, we have to consider there is something negative happening inside ourselves.

When we notice any of my Big 5, or your own keys, changing negatively, it’s time to chat to a mate or a professional. We need to be open to finding out there is something out of order and needs to be better managed.  The more we proactively and positively manage our minds and bodies the more chance we have of maintaining the life we love to live.

I still have times in life when I have low moments.  Things make me sad; some things make me mad and others just disappoint me.  However, I’m now more aware of monitoring the Big 5, recognising the changes and proactively ensuring they don’t hang around too long or have too much effect on my life.  If they do, I either change my thoughts and behaviours or get together with a good friend and have a chat about it.

The philosophy and models I have created for Human Durability reflect the way I change my mindset and develop a plan for an optimistic future. It was this way of thinking that allowed me to have zero depression and PTSD after the shooting.  It was also the same way of thinking that allowed me to bounce back so quickly after being diagnosed with depression and PTSD.

Feedback from participants shows that the Human Durability processes help to change the way people perceive their own challenges, helps to increase efficiency and effectiveness while also reducing stress.

I now travel around the world sharing this model and process with everyone from 10-year-old children to CEOs and University Professors. My research and development collaboration with the University of South Australia’s School of Psychology will continue next year. I now love working with teams, leaders and whole organisations to change the culture of thinking, problem-solving and designing the future.