World Childless Week: Three ways to be a workplace ally

Warning: contains mentions of childlessness, infertility, and pregnancy loss.??

About this time last year, I sat on a park bench with my husband and discussed whether I should write an article for World Childless Week. I ran through all the worst things that could happen. As a writer my biggest secret worry was that no-one would read it, followed closely by the fear that people would read it and hate it. But my more sensible husband pointed out that we would have felt less alone if we’d read an article like this - and if it helped one other person, wouldn’t it be worthwhile??

And so, I wrote and posted on LinkedIn. This might seem like a weird place to bare my soul, but I felt that pregnancy loss, infertility and childlessness were all issues that needed to be discussed much more in the workplace. I’d silently struggled to keep it all together at work and I was sure that others had too. ?

The reaction to the article was overwhelming. The kind words and understanding, but also the number of people that shared and trusted their stories with me – including total strangers. And what struck me repeatedly was how much this is still a silent workplace struggle. Hence why I’m writing again this year and will keep going. If you know me, you know I am relentless!

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I think things are better than a decade ago in the sense that pregnancy loss is less of a taboo. More companies also have miscarriage and IVF policies. But companies also need a culture that supports these policies – so people feel able to take the time they need – and to provide a supportive environment for anyone returning to work or working through issues around infertility and childlessness. It’s this second area that seems more lacking.?

I like to think that most companies mean well, but they might not realise that there is a problem because much of the time they won’t know who needs their support. Many people won’t share their stories of pregnancy loss, infertility, involuntary childlessness, or their choice to not have children widely at work – understandably, given the personal nature of the subject – and so we often don’t know who is hurting. ?

If you’re wondering exactly how many people this affects, the numbers may surprise you. Between 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and one in eighty in an ectopic pregnancy. One in five women don’t have children at the age of 45. It’s harder to track the numbers for men, but it’s thought to be a similar figure, and these are topics that affect all genders. Those with children can also experience secondary infertility or the loss of a pregnancy or child. Anyone unable or choosing not to have children can also feel excluded from child-centred conversations. ?

What can you do to help??

Because it’s often hidden and because it’s not an easy topic for discussion, there is still very little conversation in workplaces about how to support and protect those that are vulnerable. Can we change this??

I recognize that these are difficult subjects to bring up at work. It took a long time before I was ready to talk and sharing experiences in a workplace setting can be especially hard. Also, no one wants to be accused of making it difficult to share the joy of a new baby or of ‘cancelling’ children. One of the reasons I stayed quiet for so long is because I didn’t want to cause upset or make anyone feel guilty.?

But I refuse to believe that there isn’t a middle way between sharing good news and protecting the vulnerable. Which brings me – after this long preamble – to the three things I shared with my team in EY for this year’s World Childless Week. They are three relatively easy actions we can all take to make us better allies. They don’t replace the need for company policies, but they could make life easier for a group of people who may never be able to tell you how much it meant.?

I share them here in the hope they might be useful and spark conversation in your teams and workplaces. Please let me know if you have any comments or suggestions. There is a vast array of experience out there and I know I cannot hope to speak for everyone, but I know these would have helped me – would still help me.?

Be inclusive: If you have children, you'll know how easy it is to start a conversation and build a relationship by talking about them. So, it may feel natural to ask someone you meet for the first time if they have children. But alternative first questions, like asking about holidays or what people got up to at the weekend will naturally bring up children – if people have them – and avoid a potentially painful topic for those who might find the subject difficult.

If you have children, obviously it’s fine to keep talking about them. If I’m interested in you, I’m interested in your life and that includes your kids. But please be mindful of conversations where someone could feel excluded.

I think we do this naturally with most topics; but, because interest in children is considered universal, people don’t seem to have the same filter.?

Share joyously, but mindfully: Keep sharing good news! No-one should feel anything but joy in their baby announcement and I’d never want to diminish the delight of announcing a pregnancy or the birth of a baby. ?

But baby news can bring up complex feelings that are hard to process in public for anyone who has suffered pregnancy loss, who is struggling with infertility, or who is coming to terms with involuntary childlessness for whatever reason. And I think there are ways to approach these topics sensitively, whilst still celebrating happy events.??

My suggestion is, where possible, to supply a little 'heads-up' first. This can be done cheerfully, but in a way that makes sure that no-one is blindsided. ?

A note to announce when someone was planning to bring in their new baby gives me time to think about whether I felt able to be there. A newsletter headline that tells me it contains baby news allows me to decide if I open this at work or not, e.g., ‘ABC Newsletter, edition 2, 1 Oct 2022 – including baby news!’??

In my experience a message before the main announcement is really appreciated. ?

Be aware: If you want to understand more as a manager, counsellor, or a friend about the impact of pregnancy loss, there are several brilliant online resources. I particularly recommend the Miscarriage Association’s guide for colleagues and their leaflet for employers. If you want to understand more about childlessness and the issues around that, the Full Stop web site and podcast are also excellent. ?

And of course, the World Childless Week web site has lots of useful and insightful content, with webinars going on throughout the week – including “Employers and Policies: How to bring Childlessness into the Conversation” ?

A year on from sharing my story and I truly feel that a weight has lifted. Before then I wasn’t my full authentic self. There was a big part of me hidden from view. Now I can be noisy on behalf of the silently struggling and be open about what challenges me. I think both are good things.?

I should also add that, for all the grief associated with baby loss and the challenges of childlessness, I love my life! I don’t want anyone to think that being childless is the worst thing that can happen and that it’s not possible to build a meaningful, happy life without kids. It’s not the life I would have chosen and sometimes I need understanding. But there are many joys in my life and I have certainly been able to contribute to society and enjoy myself in a way that I probably would not have done if I’d had children.?

The media portrayal of the childless ranges from crazy cat lady to feckless unempathetic people with wasted lives that should pay more tax. That’s a whole other post…but I hope when people look at me, they don’t see a wasted life.?

Other support numbers?

Miscarriage Association: 01924 200799??

Ectopic Pregnancy Trust: 020 7733 2653 (call back service)??

Samaritans: 116 123???