Works night out...
Are you going to be brave enough to look into the shadows, then make or find a torch to shine big bright lights on the darkness?
?Walking back from the toilets, in a nameless pub in Dublin, at the work Christmas Party ~2000, I passed a colleague who said in his Australian twang, ”And there’s another one!”.
Intrigued I stopped and asked, “another one of what?” “another girl taking her drink into the toilets. It’s disgusting!”. I marshalled my face to avoid outright laughing in his. ?
“You don't leave your drink unguarded"
To this day I can't read the look on his face, shock, failure to compute, disbelief. Either way some form of bug-eyed stunned.
Clearly having his drink spiked has never been something he has had to worry about.
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Taking my bottle with me to the loo is my normal.
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Several years later back in the UK… on a different work night out, I didn't expect to have my drink spiked by a colleague. (It’s the only possible explanation from being passed my bottle by him and then never letting it go. It also puts some colour on some weird-half-heard whispers between the others.)
I don't have a clear recollection of the evening but the fragments I do have tell me that our night club destination, after the bar, was closed (thankfully). I drove someone else to a 3rd persons house. There are 4 hours missing, maybe sat in a car. They let me drive home.
You know when you drive in snow, you get that trippy 'enterprise accelerating to warp speed' effect with the snowflakes…it is truly magnificent when the hedgerows and trees do that.
Still surprised that I didn't stack the car!
(For those who are wondering – I didn’t have awareness at the time that this was going on, otherwise, obviously, I wouldn’t have driven in the first place. I didn't piece together what had happened until several days later.)
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This all happened ~22 years ago, so why bother to mention it now?
Well, it has had a lasting deep-rooted subconscious impact on me, and it’s time for the shame and humiliation to be aired out and let go. ?I was also really angry after reading the recent news about drinks tampering in a Parliament bar – this shit is still going on. …and inspired by Gisèle’s case in France to turn the tables and move the shame to the other side of the equation.
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Reports and statistics for how much of this goes on suggest that what is reported is actually just the tip of the iceberg. From a personal sample of one I agree with that – I didn’t report.
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Here are some quotes with numbers, check out the sites for much more information:
“How many women are raped or sexually assaulted every year? 798,000
That's 1 in 30 women. So, probably?at least?one woman you know was raped or sexually assaulted in the last 12 months.
(This figure is for the year ending March 2022.)”
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“In 2023 2.2% of UK adults reported having their drinks spiked in the 12 months leading up to the survey, which equates to around 1.2m UK adults.? …
Around half of incidents are not reported to police because people ‘don’t see the point.’ (2022).”
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Odds are, this has happened to someone you know.
…Odds are you know or have met someone who has done it.
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In my 50 years on this planet I don't think anything has changed. So, after getting angry at the recent news, I asked myself the question, what can I do to improve things for the next generation?
Step one, shed light on the darkness.
For my corner of the world, maybe if it’s me, someone you know, no longer a faceless nameless 'someone' in the news, maybe it will be real. A real issue that requires real societal change to be applied to it.
We can only change the things we can see... and only if we want to.
What in our culture makes it ok to drug another person? What in our culture makes it ok for a group of 3 people to collude to do it together?
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Where are the men stepping forward, using their voices, and helping to make change.
Talking of Gisèle’s case, recently on a Facebook post a lady in the group asked a question about why she was only seeing messages from women about Gisèle - was it just the algorithm, or were the men in her world silent on the subject. Where were the voices from men recognising that what happened was not ok? One reply from her male friend said, 'it’s weird talking about this stuff: ... freaky French guy”. ?(Missing the fact that it was a one freaky guy and his 70 friends.)
I want to be really clear is that this is not about men being bad women being good. Yes, it happens to men too. This is my story, so it’s from a Woman's perspective. (…and people are not all good or bad, they are complex and are usually bits of both.)
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Pretty much every single one of my male collages in the subsequent 22 years since this incident have been amazing, honourable, decent human beings in this regard. On the flip side, some others in my wider sphere have been sacked for watching porn at work.
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I've really struggled to think of a way to close this article. To find something concrete and tangible to suggest that people can do to make a difference.
In the UK we have really good human rights, much better human rights for women than in Afghanistan or America at the moment. Yet still this stuff is happening at a huge, huge rate.
I'm not going there with the 'women guard your drink' messages because that doesn't work and leads to living a life in fear. The other messages and suggestion feel limp, such as:
·???????? Call to action for those that do it to stop.
·???????? Those that know about it to call it out.
·???????? Refuse to turn a blind eye.
·???????? Look out for each other
·???????? Advocacy
…what does any of that actually look like? What does this actually mean?
All the good people are likely already doing this.
All the numpties are oblivious and won't be reading the article anyway.
And the baddies, well I assume they are getting what they want and will keep doing it regardless.
Where we have made change to big (and small) issues over the years has involved making something socially unacceptable, moving the dial. And/or, explaining the benefits (smoking).
In my lifetime there has been a big shift from people not being fussed about wearing seat belts, to it now being a habit for most. Don't think, just put it on. How many of you (like me) remember playing in the footwell of the car as children? Now we strap them in special booster seats.
Alternatively, in my lifetime homicide rates have varied, with a peak in the middle, with something in the order of 12 per million population [1], this is in the order of 600 per year.
How do you react when you hear about murder on the news? Is it horrifying and shocking?
When finding the numbers for this article I found it shocking and heartbreaking that 1.2 million people a year are having their drinks spiked. Putting them in the position of:
Why isn’t this in the news?
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It seems to be that when you get collections of human beings there's an endemic disease of murder, theft, rape etc. which is really hard to shift. It has spanned the centuries. I'm not naive enough to believe that anything I do now as an individual, will actually stop this happening forever. That doesn’t seem to be possible.
What I do believe is that we have power together, the collective strength from collaboration and community to shift the dial. If enough of us hammer a dent, with enough hammer marks may be we will shrink the thing. ?The question is what can we do individually, in our little corner of the world to make a dent?
It needs to stop.
I can't do this on my own.
The ideas that are out there are limp.
I know a huge number of really creative people - Get your game on.
What can you do? What can we all do? Our little, tiny-weeny bit and see if that adds up to making a difference.
My reason for writing this, is to cause a blip on the radar and invite you to get creative and find the change that is needed. If it’s not on your radar you can't bring your collective ingenuity to the creating a solution. My dent is to talk about it, and make it visible – something you can aim your hammer at.?
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Image Credit: Kevin Sanderson?from?Pixabay (warp speed)
Principal Engineer and Head of RS Assurance
3 周https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2m7v7e333o ...Its still happening.
As John has said, good that you've posted. Sad that you need to! We all need to call our this behaviour! Do not support the perpetrators of this vile crime! Bring up your children to call out! And of course not act in a vile degrading manner. Everyone, should be able to walk on this planet, have a drink without fear!
Speaker | Trainer | Writer | Coach | Activist | Helping companies, schools and individuals to have the uncomfortable conversations about inclusion and allyship.???
1 个月Thank you for sharing this honestly, courageously and for calling for change. I hope that this gives the right people pause for thought.
Professional Head, Rail / tram Infrastructure / Operations / Safety, currently Assurance at Ricardo Rail
1 个月Good that you had the courage to post this, sad that there was a need to do so
HR Ninja and Head of People at AEGIS Engineering Systems
1 个月I celebrate for you highlighting the subject, it IS indeed very real. I have my own story of SH in the workplace where I was attacked seriously in my own office, many many years ago now. It still always shocks me that these stories we share (all genders obviously) are more common than people think.