Workplace Bullying (Almost) Ruined My Life

By Angela Thoma | November 28, 2016

Have you ever been at work and felt beaten down, never at your best, and that you could do nothing right in your boss's eyes? Have you dreaded having to work with that controlling, unforgiving person who makes you question even wanting to keep your own job even though you have done nothing wrong?? Have you ever thought you were the crazy one? I have and it was all because of workplace bullying.

The good news is that I am now in a much healthier situation and I did not permit this situation to ruin my life. The reason I am writing this is that you don’t have to either.

Workplace bullying can take place in many different forms. Peer to peer, supervisor/leadership to subordinate, among many other ways. During my personal bullying experience, I found myself questioning myself for weeks thinking that I was overreacting.

My boss was a senior level executive who was generally held in high regard. After 3 months of working together, my boss began behaving in extreme ways. For example, she had the firm belief that whatever happened in her office when the door was closed, stayed in her office. No exceptions. This meant yelling, using profanity, and insisting on unrealistic expectations without clear instructions. She was so loud that the rest of the office could hear pretty much everything but my boss didn’t seem to care. The atmosphere in the office became extremely tense with everyone on pins and needles.

My turn behind the closed door came. I was in charge of her Outlook calendar which included scheduling times for new recruits to come for their interviews. During a particularly hectic time, I asked another very capable EA to help me with a part of the scheduling process. My boss did not agree that the other EA could be trusted and so she became furious and to my surprise yelled, “Forget it, just forget it. I will do all my own scheduling from now on.” My boss then proceeded to not speak to me for several days. She communicated only by email and I worked right outside her door. When recruits would come for their interviews, my boss acted like I was not there.

That’s just one of many daily examples.

 I'd go at home at night completely exhausted with a headache that just would not quit. I had many sleepless nights replaying the events of each passing day through my mind over and over again, trying to figure out what I had done and/or what I could have done differently. My boss played mind games and used her authority in ways that were just not right.

As my bullying situation progressed, things began happening even more out of the ordinary. Calendar and scheduling mishaps occurred which I later discovered and was able to prove that my boss was adding and deleting things to make it look I had done it. She withheld pertinent and vital information with me which would make completing my job successfully nearly impossible without it. My boss was constantly calling me on the phone to speak to me - even though I continued to sit right outside her open door. It was humiliating and demeaning as the other Executive Assistants observed with looks of disbelief on their faces.

I decided it was time to take some action of my own. I resigned from my position after 6 months and told my boss why. To my complete astonishment, she apologized. “Angela, I had things happening outside of my professional life that I brought into work. Without even realizing it, I took it out on those around me and you most of all. I hope you can forgive me.”

I wished we had had that conversation far earlier. I won’t let that happen again.

Here is my advice for anyone being bullied.

1. Know your value. First and foremost, recognize that you have value and lots of it! After all, you were hired at the company for good reasons, right? Your bully will try to do whatever it takes to break you and minimize your worth (both in your mind and the eyes of others). Whether it is making you look bad, or worse - physically & mentally making you feel bad. Don't let them wear you down! 

2. Document Everything. The second most important thing is to not stay silent! Document all these instances in detail. The moment you become uncomfortable in a situation and know something is just not right, start documenting. Perhaps it all ends up resolving itself and if so, that’s great. But in case it does not, you must have situational examples and proof of the events (with dates) that have happened prior to your complaint. Without documentation, it is merely a “he said/she said" situation that is easily dismissed by HR in favor of the high ranking leadership employee. From what I have seen, many companies tend to look the other way on issues such as this because this high ranking employee "couldn't possibly be behaving that badly." I believe that HR needs more training to support them to handle these issues in a more proactive way.

3. Talk to the bully. You must show that you have tried to address your bully and work the issue out with them before taking the situation to the next level (unless it presents a dangerous situation for you). If you go to report this, your manager and/or HR will almost always ask what you have done on your own to try to resolve the issue and if you have directly addressed the person you are having a problem with. Companies expect their employees to address their own issues first, before involving any manager or HR. 

When talking to the bully, keep your cool and speak in calm tones. Choose your moment and ask, “What’s wrong? Can I help?” Do not cry or yell. Speak the facts without apology. Know that you are strengthening your case with HR as these conversations show that you have done all that you can to work this out if the bully chooses not to cooperate. Be proactive and seek support from mentors to confront the bully.

4. Don’t be a silent witness to bullying. Bullying is really hard to watch. Don't allow yourself or others be bullied in the workplace. There are those who are not strong enough to stand up to bullies on their own. I wasn’t. Learn to recognize when you or someone you know may be being bullied and be sure to take the appropriate actions. You don't deserve to be the one out of job because you let the bully get the best of you and you just could not take it anymore.

Bullying is not acceptable under any circumstances. As I found out, the pain of it lasts for a very long time. My confidence, self-esteem, and my health were all negatively affected. I truly hope you will learn from my experience which is the reason I have written this.

I am 34 years old and in a great position now working with a manager who respects and values me. Tolerating being bullied will never happen to me again and I hope it never happens to you.

Recommended Resources

www.speakuppledge.com

www.betheultimateassistant.com

Book “Taming the Abrasive Manager” by Dr. Laura Crawshaw